Hopelessness

I'm at the worst point of my life.

I cried 4 times in a single day, everything has gotten so unbearable to a level where I don't even know if therapy can help me anymore.

I was always alone since childhood.

Always felt an ache looking at other kids parents hugging them.

My father left home when I was 5, and even before that he was always a horrible human being, hurting my mom.

And my mom took it out on me, blamed me for everything.

My brother went to prison when I was 8 for a year.

My father wasn't here.

My older sister was always alone in her room, she pushed me away whenever I tried to spend time with her.

I was all alone in my room, on my computer, all the time.

I've pushed away my relatives, cousins who came to befriend me, hurt them with words an arguments because I was jealous of them.

Then my father told us where he was, and we went to live in a different country from ages 9 to 18.

Father was indeed a horrible person, often argued, blamed, guilt tripped, and insulted every one of us.

I lived in that craphole till I was 18.

Since 16, I've had two horrible long distance relationships where we were both mentally unstable, with extremely damaging attachment.

First one ghosted me (my guess was because I was always complaining)

The second one cheated on me(Not a guess, but with real evidence and her admitting), then came back, gave her another chance, then she blocked me for good.

That's phase one.

At 18(Now 19), I came back to the same country I was born in.

Willingly, despite being offered a good opportunity in the second country.

Why?

I wanted to be with my cousins, my relatives.

And the thing that gave me hope was discovering that I have more real siblings I wasn't told about.

4 whole siblings besides the first two.

An older brother, older sister, younger sister, youngest brother.

I've craved, and prayed to have a little sister, I always wanted it, my personality leaned into being affectionate, and thus having a little sister was everything I've ever wanted.

That was my absolute last lifeline, and every inch of hope.

I came back for them.

Just so that I'm not alone anymore.

Accepted them, bought them gifts when I didn't have to, spent good time with them.

Allowed the 4 of them to play on my own playstation.

Never judged any of them despite witnessing several flaws.

But it's all gone.

I was humiliated, insulted, got told that I'm creepy.

Talking to my new little sister was misunderstood heavily, she was comfortable with it untill her mom came in and ruined it all, told her that I'm not a good person, then I was pushed away.

Then by my new older brother.

My little brother is still young for these things, and he still has a bit of trust in me because children respond to positive treatment with transparency.

I wanted to belong, deeply.

Be called family.

I've never truly wanted a girlfriend, I was never that type, but I just wanted to be loved.

Nobody loves me.

Not in feelings, not in actions, none at all.

Nobody talks to me.

For months and months, nobody cared enough to say hi to me, I'm treated like a stranger, not the "Him" who finally got back after 9 years of being away.

I'm back to square one.

To the place where I was a 5 year old boy looking at other happy families with a pain in my chest.

But this time, it's with a family who was supposed to be my hope.

All gone like that.

I'm losing it, I'm terribly losing it, therapy doesn't feel like it would solve any of my problems, most of them are cash grabbers anyways, they might create problems out of me for them to solve.

I came here first during my break ups, vented to listeners often.

But it makes me feel guilty because everyone here is going through something too.

I don't know what I need, whether it's to vent, have someone to talk to, be given an advice, or if I'm doing this for attention.

I don't know what can help.

Love was always my fuel to wake up and be a good human, chase success and all.

Without being loved or belonging, I don't wanna do anything but rot in my bed.

My jealousy went skyrocket, now I feel so jealous from all my new siblings that when I hear them laugh in a different room, I get so angry that I punch the wall several times.

These people were supposed to love me.

I loved them more than anyone else.

We're family.

We're supposed to be close, I did more than I could.

But it's all a terrible mess now.

And I'm lost.

It's worse than the breakups, at least with my exes I can easily block them and never see them again.

But the new worst wound is of family.

And I'm forced to watch them love each other without me.

All alone.

Like always.

No skills, no real intelligence, barely any muscles, no humor, attending college at a facility of education when I don't even wanna be a teacher.

Just the creep who thinks that he's one of the family.

Without any fuel to keep me going.

And as I said, I keep crying over and over.

It's al hopeless.

No one to talk to.

And those who do talk, they might not know what I need, or maybe they're doing it out of their own ego or pitiness.