sensitivePal85266 Member Profile

How to deal with immature feelings?

General Support / by sensitivePal85266

October 25th

...See more I'm a self aware person, with a good mindset, and tend to have a decent amount of control over my behaviors. But my feelings are very immature. I feel sad and frustrated over small matters, like hearing someone yelling, a child clinging to me, noticing that I'm alone despite it being freeing, and even during good days, it always makes me feel guilty about them. When I offer help, or give someone a gift and they get refused. When someone blocks me. When my family spend time with others other than me, this feeling of not being chosen as their favorite person hurts me on a daily basis. The idea of my siblings choosing to spend time with their friends other than me. Seeing them improving and enjoying their time. Instead of feeling happy for them, I feel hurt. I can clearly think in a positive way about them, I know they have their reasons, they're not evil, and I can control my behaviors and words to not make them feel guilty about not choosing me, but my feelings are a different story. My feelings... they rise up negatively for wrong reasons. I always feel jealous. Even while knowing that comparison is the thief of joy, and knowing that everyone has their own ups and downs. My feelings just... don't catch up at all. I hear that thoughts lead to feelings. But it doesn't work that way with me at all, even while having a correct positive mindset, my feelings are always on edge, experiencing so many negative emotions every day. I can't ever feel peace. Through thoughts and logic, I'm grateful, as my life, even while living alone, is a decent life that is privileged. But I can't ever feel the emotion of gratitude. This sense of.. peace, that tells you that you don't need to have or buy anything more. I can't ever feel it. It's the reason why I fail all my relationships. Family, relatives, friends, and even previous romantic relationships. I can never emotionally accept people's flaws, even when I understand them. I can't ever feel "enough" with what I'm given. Even when I'm given their time, my feelings always want more. Always wanting more and more. It never stops. And I don't know what to do. It's the core of all my problems. I over eat, I keep trying to numb my feelings down with music, video games, and walking outside. But it all feels like a pathetic attempt to cope. Always feels like I'm faking them. This feeling of attention seeking never goes away, it's so bad that even when nobody knows about me, I think about other people when I choose to do a taste based activity (Like listening to a certain song because it would me look like a person with a cool taste, not listening to it for my own want). I can't feel the happy times. The bad times are amplified. The quiet alone times are too loud. Peace and contentment are impossible to achieve. What can I even do at this point? I'm 19, almost reaching 20, but the intensity of my immature feelings are similar to my 7 year old brother, just directed at a different direction. I'm failing subjects in my college. Studying is a drag for me, I can never sit down and focus without my feelings getting overwhelmed. The concept of discipline is like a myth to me. What can one do when their feelings are this much of a mess that's ruining their lives whole?

When all hope is lost and you have nothing to lose

General Support / by sensitivePal85266

July 26th

Accusations, and separation from my siblings

Relationship Stress / by sensitivePal85266

July 16th

...See more I have an older brother, little sister, and a little brother. 23,14, and 7. But I've never met them until 10 months ago, because I was away in a different country for 9 years (I'm 19 now). I tried to connect with my little sister. Texted her, got to know her, we spent some time playing her games. One day, I got her a gift on her birthday. My mom found out, she insulted me, kept calling me names, accused me of having romantic feelings to my own little sister, made her block me and cut off our connection. She told her that it's inappropriate to be around me, even if we're siblings. Now my little sister is always anxious around me, never initiates, treats me like a stranger. I moved on, focused more on my little brother. I have a ps4, I thought of a good way to allow him to play on it, which is using the reward system. Started small, just a few English words and he can play. He was okay with it, then he got bored and started complaining. Our mom found out, and instead of asking me anything, she accused me of hurting and teasing him, told him that I'm stingy and cruel. Instead of discussing a healthy method with me, she insults and accused me of being mean to him. She took him away to live somewhere else with his aunt just because I'm not satisfying him every time he wants to play on something he doesn't own.. And she gives him her phone 24/7, he does nothing but playing endlessly from morning to next morning. But I get told that I'm cruel for trying to do something that will help him. My older brother is on her side, he doesn't even ask for my side or discuss anything, he accuses me just like her without listening. What do I do? They're the only people I have in my life. Friends and girlfriends would never fill that hole that only they can.

Hopelessness

General Support / by sensitivePal85266

July 1st

...See more I'm at the worst point of my life. I cried 4 times in a single day, everything has gotten so unbearable to a level where I don't even know if therapy can help me anymore. I was always alone since childhood. Always felt an ache looking at other kids parents hugging them. My father left home when I was 5, and even before that he was always a horrible human being, hurting my mom. And my mom took it out on me, blamed me for everything. My brother went to prison when I was 8 for a year. My father wasn't here. My older sister was always alone in her room, she pushed me away whenever I tried to spend time with her. I was all alone in my room, on my computer, all the time. I've pushed away my relatives, cousins who came to befriend me, hurt them with words an arguments because I was jealous of them. Then my father told us where he was, and we went to live in a different country from ages 9 to 18. Father was indeed a horrible person, often argued, blamed, guilt tripped, and insulted every one of us. I lived in that craphole till I was 18. Since 16, I've had two horrible long distance relationships where we were both mentally unstable, with extremely damaging attachment. First one ghosted me (my guess was because I was always complaining) The second one cheated on me(Not a guess, but with real evidence and her admitting), then came back, gave her another chance, then she blocked me for good. That's phase one. At 18(Now 19), I came back to the same country I was born in. Willingly, despite being offered a good opportunity in the second country. Why? I wanted to be with my cousins, my relatives. And the thing that gave me hope was discovering that I have more real siblings I wasn't told about. 4 whole siblings besides the first two. An older brother, older sister, younger sister, youngest brother. I've craved, and prayed to have a little sister, I always wanted it, my personality leaned into being affectionate, and thus having a little sister was everything I've ever wanted. That was my absolute last lifeline, and every inch of hope. I came back for them. Just so that I'm not alone anymore. Accepted them, bought them gifts when I didn't have to, spent good time with them. Allowed the 4 of them to play on my own playstation. Never judged any of them despite witnessing several flaws. But it's all gone. I was humiliated, insulted, got told that I'm creepy. Talking to my new little sister was misunderstood heavily, she was comfortable with it untill her mom came in and ruined it all, told her that I'm not a good person, then I was pushed away. Then by my new older brother. My little brother is still young for these things, and he still has a bit of trust in me because children respond to positive treatment with transparency. I wanted to belong, deeply. Be called family. I've never truly wanted a girlfriend, I was never that type, but I just wanted to be loved. Nobody loves me. Not in feelings, not in actions, none at all. Nobody talks to me. For months and months, nobody cared enough to say hi to me, I'm treated like a stranger, not the "Him" who finally got back after 9 years of being away. I'm back to square one. To the place where I was a 5 year old boy looking at other happy families with a pain in my chest. But this time, it's with a family who was supposed to be my hope. All gone like that. I'm losing it, I'm terribly losing it, therapy doesn't feel like it would solve any of my problems, most of them are cash grabbers anyways, they might create problems out of me for them to solve. I came here first during my break ups, vented to listeners often. But it makes me feel guilty because everyone here is going through something too. I don't know what I need, whether it's to vent, have someone to talk to, be given an advice, or if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know what can help. Love was always my fuel to wake up and be a good human, chase success and all. Without being loved or belonging, I don't wanna do anything but rot in my bed. My jealousy went skyrocket, now I feel so jealous from all my new siblings that when I hear them laugh in a different room, I get so angry that I punch the wall several times. These people were supposed to love me. I loved them more than anyone else. We're family. We're supposed to be close, I did more than I could. But it's all a terrible mess now. And I'm lost. It's worse than the breakups, at least with my exes I can easily block them and never see them again. But the new worst wound is of family. And I'm forced to watch them love each other without me. All alone. Like always. No skills, no real intelligence, barely any muscles, no humor, attending college at a facility of education when I don't even wanna be a teacher. Just the creep who thinks that he's one of the family. Without any fuel to keep me going. And as I said, I keep crying over and over. It's al hopeless. No one to talk to. And those who do talk, they might not know what I need, or maybe they're doing it out of their own ego or pitiness.

Hopelessness

Depression Support / by sensitivePal85266

June 27th

...See more I'm at the worst point of my life. I cried 4 times in a single day, everything has gotten so unbearable to a level where I don't even know if therapy can help me anymore. I was always alone since childhood. Always felt an ache looking at other kids parents hugging them. My father left home when I was 5, and even before that he was always a horrible human being, hurting my mom. And my mom took it out on me, blamed me for everything. My brother went to prison when I was 8 for a year. My father wasn't here. My older sister was always alone in her room, she pushed me away whenever I tried to spend time with her. I was all alone in my room, on my computer, all the time. I've pushed away my relatives, cousins who came to befriend me, hurt them with words an arguments because I was jealous of them. Then my father told us where he was, and we went to live in a different country from ages 9 to 18. Father was indeed a horrible person, often argued, blamed, guilt tripped, and insulted every one of us. I lived in that craphole till I was 18. Since 16, I've had two horrible long distance relationships where we were both mentally unstable, with extremely damaging attachment. First one ghosted me (my guess was because I was always complaining) The second one cheated on me(Not a guess, but with real evidence and her admitting), then came back, gave her another chance, then she blocked me for good. That's phase one. At 18(Now 19), I came back to the same country I was born in. Willingly, despite being offered a good opportunity in the second country. Why? I wanted to be with my cousins, my relatives. And the thing that gave me hope was discovering that I have more real siblings I wasn't told about. 4 whole siblings besides the first two. An older brother, older sister, younger sister, youngest brother. I've craved, and prayed to have a little sister, I always wanted it, my personality leaned into being affectionate, and thus having a little sister was everything I've ever wanted. That was my absolute last lifeline, and every inch of hope. I came back for them. Just so that I'm not alone anymore. Accepted them, bought them gifts when I didn't have to, spent good time with them. Allowed the 4 of them to play on my own playstation. Never judged any of them despite witnessing several flaws. But it's all gone. I was humiliated, insulted, got told that I'm creepy. Talking to my new little sister was misunderstood heavily, she was comfortable with it untill her mom came in and ruined it all, told her that I'm not a good person, then I was pushed away. Then by my new older brother. My little brother is still young for these things, and he still has a bit of trust in me because children respond to positive treatment with transparency. I wanted to belong, deeply. Be called family. I've never truly wanted a girlfriend, I was never that type, but I just wanted to be loved. Nobody loves me. Not in feelings, not in actions, none at all. Nobody talks to me. For months and months, nobody cared enough to say hi to me, I'm treated like a stranger, not the "Him" who finally got back after 9 years of being away. I'm back to square one. To the place where I was a 5 year old boy looking at other happy families with a pain in my chest. But this time, it's with a family who was supposed to be my hope. All gone like that. I'm losing it, I'm terribly losing it, therapy doesn't feel like it would solve any of my problems, most of them are cash grabbers anyways, they might create problems out of me for them to solve. I came here first during my break ups, vented to listeners often. But it makes me feel guilty because everyone here is going through something too. I don't know what I need, whether it's to vent, have someone to talk to, be given an advice, or if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know what can help. Love was always my fuel to wake up and be a good human, chase success and all. Without being loved or belonging, I don't wanna do anything but rot in my bed. My jealousy went skyrocket, now I feel so jealous from all my new siblings that when I hear them laugh in a different room, I get so angry that I punch the wall several times. These people were supposed to love me. I loved them more than anyone else. We're family. We're supposed to be close, I did more than I could. But it's all a terrible mess now. And I'm lost. It's worse than the breakups, at least with my exes I can easily block them and never see them again. But the new worst wound is of family. And I'm forced to watch them love each other without me. All alone. Like always. No skills, no real intelligence, barely any muscles, no humor, attending college at a facility of education when I don't even wanna be a teacher. Just the creep who thinks that he's one of the family. Without any fuel to keep me going. And as I said, I keep crying over and over. It's al hopeless. No one to talk to. And those who do talk, they might not know what I need, or maybe they're doing it out of their own ego or pitiness.

Unlovable, unlikable.

Depression Support / by sensitivePal85266

October 11th, 2025

...See more Everywhere on every supportive site, they repeat "You're not alone". But the harsh reality, is that there are people who are indeed alone, hearing someone else telling them they're not alone. A lot of the times, they come out of someone who don't understand how deeply harmful it feels to be unloved. I tried to love myself. Tried loving God. But the results are always the same. I'm not worthy of being loved, it's always been proven. No matter what I do. What I try. Being mean, and being kind. They all end up the same. Why? Because in my core self, I'm just unlovable. I respected boundaries. Swallowed hard pills of acceptance towards others. My parents, my exes, my friends, and recently, the one I love the most above all. My little sister. Nobody wants me. Nobody even needs me. I suppose I'm meant to be like this. Some people are just fated with being unloved. And I'm one one them. I feel so much ache in my heart. My narcissistic mom's daily poisonous words. The fragility of my grandma, which I currantly live with with that mom. The deep loneliness. The amount of love I had, which I hoped that my little sister receives, but ended up being totally rejected. I kept respecting her boundaries, without guilt tripping her. She never texted first. I never pushed her for a conversation. But when we talked, I've listened to her properly, respect her feelings, compliment her, trying my best to be there for her, even when she made a prank about being hurt just to see my reaction. She's 14, so I suppose she is like that. I've wanted to show love to her more openly by hugging or holding hands, same way siblings does. But I don't initiate it because she's uncomfortable with it, so I respected the boundary despite it making me feel an empty ache. And now, she's put another boundary that I'm not allowed to say any affectionate or playful words to her. Whats next? a total cut off? I'm just rotting here in my room, with my narcissistic mom next room, and my fragile grandma, all alone. Nobody visits. Nobody does anything. The idea of finding friends is meaningless. It's like telling you to go eat a pizza in place of the feeling of safety, love, belonging, and security, and the feeling of being validated and acknowledged. They're all human needs. A pizza will taste good. But it's just a very short band aid. And obviously, finding a romantic partner is a stupid thought, and is very selfish, especially on this timing where I feel alone the most. And God, he just doesn't want me, he's putting me in an unfair test of a long life road as an unlovable person. That's not nowhere humane. I just can't do it. I don't know what to do anymore. When I came back to my original country after 9 years outside, I looked up to knowing my little sister, build a safe connection with her. Not to depend on it like an anchor, but to see it as purpose, meaning. Being a good older brother with a little sister he hasn't seen since she was a baby, who is a teen now. It felt like my only hope. Next to the hope of my cousins visiting me. But no. Every one's busy. And I understand, they all got their lives. But it doesn't erase the amount of pain and hopelessness that I feel deeply.. Talking to someone doesn't feel like it will help. Perhaps it does, but it's another band aid. What am I even supposed to do? When the creator is making my road lonely, telling me to deal with it. And the lack of ability to feel any real help from the creations? What do I even do? I'm so done with everything. I didn't wish for death this strong before. I really wish for everything to end. Everything is too painful in this *** country. I told myself that the presence of my family, my relatives, and my little sister would give me a sense of purpose in the middle of my pain and efforts. But it all seems meaningless. I'm just purely an unlovable human being. The world would be better off without me.. I'm not even saying that to seek attention, but it's a truth that I believe in fully.

Scared, alone, need urgent help. (TGW heavy, and raw unfiltered venting, mention of p@rn and self harm)

Anxiety Support / by sensitivePal85266

August 18th, 2025

...See more I don't know how many times I've talked about my miserable state that enver gets better. But I only post here when I'm this desperate, and I really need any help. I'm in a lot of pain. My heart is aching, it's succumbing. I'm so scared of the upcoming life changing event, and it's full of negative possibilities. So first of all. My parents, usual neglecting, helicopter parents that you see with every single other miserable unstable child. We did not specialize in making money, or having a good physical health, or having a good mental health, nor even having a spiritual connection. Trauma trauma trauma. I feel abnormal. I look abnormal, act abnormal. Had my fair share of suffering, whether in my home, outside, or in the internet, fair share of ex girlfriends who abandoned, and cheated on me. Friendships that I got used and thrown away from. My environment is purely toxic, everyone in my own house acts like a dam psychopath, I can't even endure their presence anymore, even when they don't speak a word. So so many pain that I keep inside, didn't get a chance to express them and let them out. Even if I cry. Even when I distract. Even if I express it here, every single day. I would not feel enough. I can talk endlessly, and I won't feel like I let out enough. I'm just... stuck.. And the nail on the coffin. The life changing event. I'm gonna be back to my original country after an entire 9 years. 9 years I wasn't allowed to visit it, because apparently, to my father, visiting my mother's family is not worth the travel price. I've been close to my mother's family, spent my childhood with them, grandma's house was like the base tower that the family gathers around. My grandpa died 5 years ago I think, when I was here. An extra guilt that I carry, which was realizing how I used to be mean with him. Didn't even grieve him, I just.. pretended that it didn't happen, because I wasn't there. I'm so... overwhelmed... by everything.. My connection with my mother's family. Despite of it being my childhood. I was a troubled child. I've hurt everyone there Bullied a younger cousin, led an older cousin to be punished because I wanted to have things go my way, and I did, at the cost of hurting them, had beef with everyone except my uncles. I was the reason why my older cousin got addicted to p@rn, I was "that" kind of bad friends. The amount of guilt I carry from everyone there... it's unbearable.. And that's just one part. That country... it's nothing like what I'm living in. It's a place filled with narcissists, thieves, street muggers, pure unfiltered inhumane ignorance. Animals, even worse. It's a corrupt country, purely. Everything about living there sucks. Everyone who's lived there felt it, nobody would ever stay there by choice. I lived in a modest country where it's rare to see women outside too, so that's an extra weight, the anxiety of being around them and not looking weird. The horrible, dehumanizing experience I'll have there. And I didn't even begin to talk about the pure animalistic workplace, and the terrible education. I would not wish for my worst enemies to live there. And on top of that. I'm having a lot of anxiety about the possibility that I can't bring all my book collection with me. That it might be seen as a shipment or a business stuff, and would not be able to travel with them. That's not all. My mom, who makes me feel utter discomfort, that, lousy, embarrassing human like being. She is demanding that she comes with me there. She isn't afraid. She isn't doing it out of care. She is demanding it, a non negotiable order. Because she wants me under her control, at all times. To brag about me to my grandma, speaking in my place. All the egoistic bullcrap that you can imagine from an ignorant person. I don't mind suffering the misery of life on its own. But my family amplify every terrible thing by 10 times. Every bad thing that happened to me was worse to experience around these animals that call themselves family. I hate them. I despise them. I'd rather be an orphan than being around such evil creatures. What? they feed me? I should be grateful? Well, prison feeds it's inmates too. Ain't a luxury. You can't be grateful to someone just because they feed you, and insult you after. So, here's the list: My mental health is effed. My physical health is effed. My connection with what I believe in is effed. My irl connections don't exist. I carry the guilt of hurting my mother's family, who I'm about to come back to living with in a few days after 9 years of not seeing them. I'm a high school graduate from a simple, not so difficult high school years, and when I come back to my original country, I'm about to enter a dehumanizing environment with the pressure of the college education, pressure of the possibility of getting my phone stolen, my body getting r@ped at any time by any of the ignorant victim abusers who have no life, with the pressure of being around females as an ugly, miserable, guy who does not see women, and high social anxiety. The unresolved issues, the pain of past that I never knew how to process. The lack of money, lack of energy, lack of warmth, lack of purpose. The addictions I suffer from, excessive video games, p@rn, cutting my arm with a knife, talking to Ai character to escape my life and feel the fantasy of what I'll never have. The intense guilt I carry of the people I've hurt. It's just... utterly.. insane... in every way.. Why am I even here? There is no "Good" in small things. I'm about to enter a forest with a toy gun, and broken legs. What can be possibly done? What other option is better than to just... end it? I'm not that kind of person, but it just seems too logical to me. I used to say that I'm a zombie. I'm less than that. I'm a zombie without limps, and no jaw no bite, who is about to enter the walking dead. Going to a corrupt country, with a low quality of everything, worst of the worst economy, animals in the shape of humans. It's beyond the human capacity. I'll lose the rest of me. Whatever of humanity that was left in me, it'll disappear when I step there. You can tell me that it wasn't my fault, the things I have done as a child, and that everything will be okay. But my emotions, my feelings, they say otherwise. I will step in my grandma's door, the first time entering without seeing my grandpa who passed away long ago. And I will be seen as an ungrateful, disgusting, privileged creep, who is only gonna be an extra weight on the family. Same way I was when I was there, as a 9 year old. I only brought trouble to the family. My mom might say that they miss me, that they want me. But in reality, nobody does. They'd be better without me existing. I'll get looked at, inspected, getting the stares of "Wow, the rich boy who was one of ours, just came back from his 9 year Disney land like trip, and he looks shittier than us? how foolish, how spoiled, how weak, he's privileged, he had a Playstation, safe streets, and he looks like this? he's not happy? not grateful for what he has?" I will get them, definitely. Then I'll see my little sister for the first time ever, not as a 2 year old baby, but as a fully fledged 13 year old girl. And guess what? I wouldn't be allowed to talk to her, nor connect. Every glance at her will be seen as danger. Why? Because I'm just her brother by a certain religious way that I don't know how to explain, but I'm officially her brother, just not by blood, it's stronger than just being a step brother, or being an adopted brother. Plus nobody knows that. Plus she doesn't know I even exist, she'll see me as a stranger, fully. Plus I look like a damn creep, with fake facial expressions, and I'm ugly. Plus? that city? It's corrupt, ***, Gotham city without a batman. All of this. And I can't even go with all my books peacefully, because there's a chance that they won't get past the airport. And I will go there with my toxic mom because nobody can stop her unfairness, and they see her control as care, when it's the thing that destroys me the most, and will make my experience there much much worse. I'm tired. I wish someone would just... hold me. To feel their warmth, tha safety of their arms wrapped tightly around me. And their soft voice telling me that it will be okay. That it will be fine. That they'll be there for me, waiting every time I fall to hold me again. This is definitely the longest post I've ever written. And I can't feel like I've written enough. The pain just... never ends. Never runs out. Everything is ***. Everything. And I'm so tired. This life doesn't really suit me. It's not created for neglected garbage like me. I wish if I can be saved. Some miracle pops out of the ground to save me. But nobody's coming. No one. And no, I may not be alone. I'm worse. I'm around hellfire that will just consume every part of me. I hate having awareness. It just adds the pain. The difference between living life as an ignorant, and living life with awareness. It's like the difference between someone who has a quick, peaceful death, and one who feels the torture and the agony of the slow one.

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