How I have been.. I feel like I going to depression again.

I have been carrying a lot of pressure for a long time, and it feels like it has slowly piled up without anyone truly noticing how heavy it has become. There is the constant stress of studies, especially with exams coming so close, where everyone expects me to manage everything perfectly as if things are the same as they used to be years ago. But they aren’t. The syllabus is harder, the expectations are higher, and mentally, I am already exhausted. Even when I want to study, my body feels tired, my focus breaks, and I have to force myself to keep going. I try my best, but my efforts often go unseen, and instead of encouragement, I receive blame.

At home, the environment makes things worse. There is shouting, comparison, and constant criticism. Even when people say it is “for my good,” it feels painful to be blamed again and again for things beyond my control. Hearing relatives talk negatively about me, being shouted at, or being made to feel like a burden hurts deeply, especially when I am already trying to survive each day. I have reached moments where the stress becomes so intense that my chest feels tight, my thoughts race, and I feel overwhelmed, like I am losing control. These moments come suddenly, especially when I am called ungrateful or misunderstood, and they leave me shaken for a long time afterward.

On top of that, there are things from my past that still affect me. I experienced harassment and stalking, and even though time has passed, the fear and discomfort did not disappear easily. Leaving a place that was once important to me because of harassment caused me to lose connections and friends. Slowly, people drifted away, and now I find myself feeling lonely, unsure whether I still have friends or if I will ever feel that closeness again. I keep everything inside because I don’t feel safe sharing it with people around me, and that silence makes the weight even heavier.

Despite everything, I am still trying. I try to protect my peace in small ways, like listening to music to block out shouting, focusing on my studies when I can, and supporting my sister in my own quiet way. I hold onto small hopes—finishing my exams, having a little freedom afterward, and rebuilding myself slowly. I want understanding more than anything: to be seen, to be heard, and to have my efforts recognized. I am not weak for feeling this way. I am someone who has been under pressure for a long time and is still standing, even when it feels unbearably hard.