🥺 How are you? 🥺

@amiableBunny4016

I have a therapist (that I like a lot. They're gentler and more patient than my previous therapist.) Some of the adults in my school understand my struggles. None of the other teenagers understand though, they just mainly think I'm quiet and leave me alone. I'm not sure of some of them think I'm aloof or rude or some of them think something else. The ones in my classes don't hurt/bully me though. They usually compliment me and apologize (maybe a bit TOO much to me) when they do something wrong. I struggle to understand communication, friendships, jokes (that other people do, besides my family), and more. I don't know how any of that works, which can REALLY hurt me. Especially if I'm in a group or if I'm invited to play with others. I'm trying to talk more to others, but I don't understand them. I don't know how to reply. I don't know how to speak and make them laugh, while playing/working with them. Eventually, I might give up and stay back, letting my Social Anxiety win the battle. Which only results in overwhelming self-hatred, simply being too hard on myself. Dealing with my Depression (How I can just feel unmotivated to work on things [ESPECIALLY HOBBIES] I feel empty and tired, I feel despair and hopeless for myself, I cry endlessly. I'm a big baby inside a teenager body, if emotions get too intense [AND THEY DO QUICKLY], then I'll usually cry to "cope." I hate when I cry as I do it too much, I've always been crying. When I was younger to now... I still cry a lot.), my Anxiety (I'm really jumpy and on-edge. I'm easily startled by sudden noises and motions. I get overwhelmed in a loud and crazy environment. I have a lot of fears that I don't want to experience... and I'm terrified of things I can't even CONTROL, like death. I can't control death, I can't put a stop to it, but I'm terrified of it. If I think about it too much, guess what? I'll cry. I'll cry as I know everyone, including me, will die. I won't hear them, see them, feel them, see their smile. No longer. I have intrusive thoughts about death and other topics, I usually think the worst about things. I remember facing anxiety attacks in school, which resulted my emotions intensifying until I got too overwhelmed and started to C R Y.), and my Social Anxiety (I hate my Social Anxiety the most. I've been dealing with it for almost all of my life up to this point. I don't even know what caused it.) Combined with all that... I consider myself a HSP (or Highly Sensitive Person. I'm more sensitive than other people, and my emotions can MUCH more drastic than others. This is not a disorder by any means, but it's a trait. Sometimes I like it, it makes me feel "unique" compared to others, but other times... it can be aggravating to others. Since my emotions are intense with my mental health struggles and this trait. Plus I have anger issues which may be contributed due to my struggles like I said earlier. I'm extremely dramatic over LITTLE things that go wrong or I struggle with. It's annoying to me and them.) My mother had a horrible past, but she doesn't learn from it. We joke and giggle, talk about our pets, and whatnot... but sometimes her mood goes up and down. She might say random things about our drama in the family situation. I remember she exclaimed things about me... words she can't take back. She told me I'm "evil," for speaking about my mom. She tells me I'm talking "bad," about her... but really... she's making me feel hurt. I should have a right to speak up about her and ANY person that makes me feel hurt inside. She wants me to keep everything silent and she told me she WON'T have any love or relationship with me if I keep it up. She's going to the EXTREMES, to scare me and manipulate me. I know her, and I hate when I see her bad sides like that. She managed to manipulate me a long time ago... putting toxins inside of my brain about who to trust. She only wanted me to trust HER, she wanted her young and confused daughter to not trust her grandma, her aunt, her uncle, no one. She also talked about my dad and brother, telling me on how they're not the greatest either. She's talking somewhat bad about one of her OWN CHILDREN! One of her two kids! She fed me ALL this love... but now I know that the relationship was kinda "toxic" in someway. Telling me that I'M the "favorite child," kissing me on the cheek, hugging me constantly. Just to give me this trust as she dragged me on her ropes. She managed to split me away from other parts of the family... and almost... my dad and brother too. She was paranoid of me splitting away, but unfortunately, she isn't LEARNING from her past. She's repeating bad behaviors. She manipulated me when young and when I stand up as a teenager... she now combats me with disgust, disappointment, anger, all of that. She called me and MY DAD AND BROTHER TOO, harsh things and harsh words. Words she cannot take back as we all feel hesitation and pain. This is a long reading, but... it really makes me think a lot that I deal with quite a lot of stuff. At a young age, I have this big burden backpack I carry. It's really heavy and exhausts me so. At least, I'm getting some help along the way, right? Again, thanks for sending that message. I hope everyone has blessings and blessful present to the FUTURE and to the BEYOND. 💝