How to accept reality?
I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember. I used to think it would get better, and at times it did. For a long while now it seems to be getting worse. I think it’s because when things had a chance of being better, I chose the wrong paths. I hardly have any good days anymore. Part of it is getting older, because I thought for sure I’d be happier as I got older. I’ve been thinking about how to help myself. I’m not talking about self-care things. I feel like I need action. Because I am starting to understand that my feelings are based on the fact that my life isn’t where I envisioned it. I’m not really living in a way that reflects my values and what I think life is all about. I have a good job, it’s not an achievement based thing. It is purely social. I thought I’d have a stable solid family life. I thought I’d have friends. I thought I’d have romance. I pictured giving my kids a different life. They are happy, and so maybe I don’t need to worry, but I still know how things should have been for them, that they probably wouldn’t have had to deal with certain things, and the guilt consumes me.
I’ve been trying to do different things to take power back over my life, but so far my efforts haven’t been fruitful. Attending social events, joining new groups, etc. Sometimes putting myself out there with these results contributes even more to the depression. I feel stuck. Last night I was thinking that I probably need to reach some level of acceptance about what my life is now. I need to stop resisting certain things. It is irreversible that I divorced my kids’ father and they have 2 homes now. I think I regret it now, even knowing why I did it then. Where I live is irreversible at least for a while, because I can’t move them away from their dad. I don’t really fit in with the people here. I know people are people wherever you go, but there is a real cultural element too, depending where you live. Women are viewed differently here than I’m used to. I don’t like feeling like I’m lesser. I see men makes mistakes just like anyone else, but my ideas aren’t appreciated, so I have to sit and watch even when I know how to help. And it’s hard to get along with other women who are ok with being lesser and make their lives better through shopping and beauty, or cussing and being rough like one of the guys or whatever. Also, my husband knew everyone here, it’s a small town, they’re his friends and think he’s a god, and they prejudge me now.
I’m trying to keep my mind focused on the things I do like about my life, and that can get me through the day. Especially when my kids are around. But when I am alone it hits me hardest. I used to love being alone. I still do most of the time, because I’m not extroverted. But a lot of times I just feel lonely.
I read about radical acceptance through dialectical behavioral therapy, and that has helped for things like abuse in my childhood and other traumatic events later in life. But it doesn’t seem to be helping for decisions I’ve made as an adult. I know I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I try to kindly remind myself that I had real reasons for doing everything I’ve done. Sadly, if I had to do it again I’d probably still do everything the same. I just don’t understand how life has turned out this way. I tried so hard to do good, to do the right things. I prayed and waited and thought about things an long time before taking action. And it got me here. And I’m really struggling with my faith as another result.
How do I fully accept what my life is now? I’m hoping there’s something I’m missing that someone might be able to illuminate for me. I’m very resistive to the thought of things staying this way. Is that my soul trying to tell me to just keep trying to change things? I don’t know what else to change.
I don’t know anything about “radical acceptance through dialectical behavioral therapy”, but I love the idea of radical acceptance, especially when I heard it decades ago, maybe on Oprah or something. Looking back, I think it took me all those decades to accept that concept and work it into my life.
Maybe the idea is worth a revisit, to try and apply it again to present day stuff?
When you said you’re resistant to “the thought of things staying this way”—it hit me powerfully. I don’t know if your soul is trying to cheer you on in changing things … I just know I’d like you to keep coming back and being in the conversation 🙂
Maybe there’s something here for all of us by doing so 🦋
@FaithfulScout Hi 😊 thank you so much for replying.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
It’s funny you should ask.
The things you’re doing, making small changes, identifying the fears, and replacing the negative thoughts are actions that were helpful to me.
Additionally, I can relate to the powerful social pressures and dynamics you’re facing. I got to a point in life where I had to “shut the world out,” sort of. Since I had small kids and a wife at the time, I couldn’t completely wall myself off from the world, but deciding to prioritize my wellbeing by finding a place and people different from what I was surrounded by—made a huge difference.
Even though I’m new here, the energy at 7Cups feels familiar to what was a source of light to me during my darkest hour.
Sorry if this might be too much at once. The tips you were asking for, I believe you’re doing them. As for anything else that you could be doing, I would say keep making connections here 🙂
@FaithfulScout Thank you!
It’s interesting you mentioned having to shut the world out in a way. I understand the conflict in that too having children. Most of the relationships I have tried are with other parents. I have a few acquaintances, but nothing really sticks on a deeper level.
For a long time this has felt conflicting to me, because I know I need people, yet I sometimes feel like the world is too “busy” and I’d rather be alone. When I’ve tried to make friends, I get overwhelmed by all the things they pressure me to set as priorities, surface-level things they I don’t really want to spend my time and resources on. I’d much rather have small, deeper conversations about history or philosophical ideas. I don’t seem to meet s as many people interested in that. I may be way off-base to what you meant. But your comments spurred something in me. Because you’re right, I do find those kinds of values when talking with people here.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Hi! … Just checking in to ask if you happened to see my message in the Pen Pal forum? It was my first post in there, and I think I might've worded it poorly *sorry*
I should’ve asked whether you preferred to keep the conversation here within this topic thread—or—if it would be okay to expand the conversation a little, by using the Pen Pal forum?
I hope you’ve been well.
@FaithfulScout Hi Scout, please forgive my late reply. I have had some life things keeping me offline some days, then I came online a couple times to try to catch up and had some connectivity problems with my messages deleting in the middle of writing them. Anyway, the last couple days I’m going through my notifications one by one. I will check out that pen pal post, that is sweet thank you!
