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PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
1 10,074 M Pacing Forward 3
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.“ - 2 Timothy 1:7
PathStep 28 Compassion hearts3,470 Forum posts1,610 Forum upvotes3,356 Current upvotes3,356 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 3, 2024
Bio
Older female, mother, Christian, seeker of wisdom, searcher for truth.

Looking for friends to grow on this journey with.

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"Occupy your mind with good thoughts, or the enemy will fill them with bad ones. Unoccupied, they cannot be."— St. Thomas More
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https://www.7cups.com/forum/journal/DiaryEntries_1597/TheworstlonelinessistonotbecomfortablewithyourselfMarkTwain_352659/?post=3837558



Recent forum posts
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Reconnecting with estranged family?
Family & Caregivers / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 February 12th
...See more Does anyone here have experience with reconnecting with family you’ve been estranged from for a long time? Specifically where there was a history of abuse? I am a mid-life aged adult and have not spoken to any of my family for many years. Originally I had separated from my parents because of ongoing abuse and denial, but the rest of my family decided to also estrange themselves because of my decision. I can’t say I regret it, because there was safety and healing I hadn’t been able to attain until I left. Obviously it was hard in many ways, mainly the loneliness of seeing other families. I wouldn’t have had that even with my family, it was just a loss in general to grieve. Over the years I’ve considered reconnecting, wondering if they’ve changed, if I’d feel guilt if they passed, if it was morally right now that they’re getting older and they don’t know their grandchildren. I had always felt peace about continuing the separation. Just recently it’s entered my mind again, and I’ve wondered if I actually desire to reconnect. I can’t tell you why or what’s changed. I have gone through a lot of changes in my life recently, and maybe part of me feels strong enough to try to see if I can have something with them. Maybe I’m just lonely and getting desperate. Part of me is not sure. I still have a lot of healing to do from various events in my life, not just my past with them. There’s the potential that this could really be bad for me if it doesn’t go well. I think what’s getting me is I don’t know for sure if I still feel at peace, if I may regret not trying if they pass, or what’s best for my kids. My kids are older now and don’t know any different. I am concerned for their safety but don’t want to do them harm by denying them extended family. If anyone has been in this type of situation, I’d love to hear your perspective. Thank you. ❤️
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Thinking of you
Pen Pals / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 August 13th, 2025
...See more @cyanessence Hi friend.! ❤️ I haven’t talked to you in a while, and I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. I tried searching for an old thread to write there, but I’m not very good at finding things here it seems! 😄 Anyway, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you, and if you are around and have time, I’d love to hear from you. Hope you are well!
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When people knock you down, and you’ve never been able to secure the roots to weather the storm
Depression Support / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 July 29th, 2025
...See more When I’m not busy doing all the life things I need to be doing, I spend the majority of my thoughts on fixing my mental health. I’m always reading, trying new techniques, making changes. Maybe I’ve made some progress, maybe I’m still struggling with many of the same issues. I have a background with a lot of traumatic events throughout my life. I don’t need to get into those here. I just have a lot of healing work to do, and at the same time dealing with a lot of current life stress that prevents me from properly healing. Anyway, recently I tried opening up to someone who has known me a little while. They told me that they don’t understand why I’m depressed, I have a great life. And then they told me it doesn’t seem like I’m trying. I haven’t really known what to do with this information. But something in me shut down. Now I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to go somewhere and hide and never come back out. But I have kids I love, thank God they are not here today, and I would want to come back out for them. But I feel like, I think I’ve had enough of the rest of the world. I just feel done, the oven timer went off, I’m overcooked.
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Chronic regret
Depression Support / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 July 29th, 2025
...See more This could probably also go in the Anxiety forum. But I feel more depressed about it than anxious. I can’t stop my mind wandering to regret over past decisions I’ve made. I try to speak kindly to myself. In my earlier years I could look at my regrets with a healthier perspective. I was comfortable with failing, making mistakes, taking a chance. I could tell myself it’s a learning experience, I’m right where I’m supposed to be, I did what I thought was right at the time. Those thoughts don’t seem to bring me peace anymore. I keep making bad decisions, getting in the wrong relationships, not learning from retraumatizing myself. It’s like I’m still trying to process my original trauma and keep purposely finding people like my parents to fix it. I know that’s a thing. I don’t think I am at the time, they seem so different in the beginning, then their true colors come out once I feel stuck.  I’m just very unhappy with where I am in life right now, so much of life has passed by now, and I wish I’d known better then. I try to tell myself some things can get better, but other things just can’t, like leaving my kids’ father and making them have 2 families. I don’t really regret being away from him, but I’ve never gotten over doing that to my kids. I don’t know if I’m ever going to make a friend. I don’t really know how to have one anymore. There’s more, I just don’t have the energy to explain. I have a lot of anxiety about making any decisions now, as I’m terrified of making things worse for myself. I feel like I can’t trust my own judgment, I overthink everything. I’m exhausted. I just want to hide somewhere.
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Struggling with my faith
Religion & Spirituality / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 July 26th, 2025
...See more I’m losing hope. My faith is suffering. I believe that suffering is necessary sometimes to learn, appreciate the good, develop character, and gain wisdom. I understand what the Bible says about suffering. I don’t disagree with any of it. But I’m having a hard time accepting why God wanted my life to be this way. I have lived a miserable existence since I was a child. I have had good things in my life, and I try to focus on those, but those things don’t fill gaps in certain important areas. I can’t seem to get to a point where I feel I’m on a solid foundation. God is supposed to be all we need, but this life has worn me down to the point where I’m having problems focusing on Him or believing certain truths I used to believe like He loves me. I can’t imagine this is what He wants for me. I already wrote a lot here, but if you want more background on why I feel so depressed and hopeless: https://www.7cups.com/forum/depression/General_2427/Howtoacceptreality_357182/ It doesn’t help that I feel guilty for even feeling this way in the first place, because so many people have things worse than me: poverty, disabilities, war, natural disasters. I have dealt with some of those things on some level, and I was able to keep hope and push to get through. But the thing I have never been able to push past is loneliness. I feel like I could do anything if I had a friend, family members, love and support from someone in my daily life. I have children, and they make me feel fulfilled, but it’s a different kind of relationship. I literally have no one else who would be at my funeral. I can’t keep my motivation up when I feel like everything I do is by myself, I can’t lean on anyone ever. This website has been helpful getting me through many days, and I’ve met some amazing people, but I hope I don’t sound unappreciative when I say I really need companionship off the computer. We all have busy lives and can’t be here all the time for each other. I need the warmth of a hug, to hear someone’s voice say a kind word of encouragement, to have some company. God can’t even give me a hug, that would be enough. I don’t need parties or a lot of people, just one person, just sometimes. God doesn’t deny that to everyone, what have I done that’s so bad? I’m getting older. Why has God let so much of my life go by alone? The loneliness is eating me alive. At one time I believed it taught me things, but it’s gone on long enough now, and it’s hard for me to believe He wants me to be thinking the dark things I’m thinking. I’m trying to meet Him halfway by making the effort, going out there and trying. But He’s not putting anyone in my path who is interested, or kind. If anything I seem to get hurt more. I’m torn between trying more and giving up on people. How old do I need to be? I don’t know if I even know how to make a friend. I’ve been told people like me and I’m funny, but it never turns into anything. I’ve even had people literally tell me they’re not looking for a friend right now. Is this all there is? I’m just supposed to be miserable my whole time here looking forward to Heaven? It does something to a person’s mind, spending their life unloved and knowing no one cares if they’re here or not. I can feel my mind is different than it used to be, like it has a disease. What good is God using this for? I used to believe that and see it. But it’s too much, too much. I need relief, not to keep being told it’s for my own good.
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How to accept reality?
Depression Support / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 July 12th, 2025
...See more I’ve been depressed as long as I can remember. I used to think it would get better, and at times it did. For a long while now it seems to be getting worse. I think it’s because when things had a chance of being better, I chose the wrong paths. I hardly have any good days anymore. Part of it is getting older, because I thought for sure I’d be happier as I got older. I’ve been thinking about how to help myself. I’m not talking about self-care things. I feel like I need action. Because I am starting to understand that my feelings are based on the fact that my life isn’t where I envisioned it. I’m not really living in a way that reflects my values and what I think life is all about. I have a good job, it’s not an achievement based thing. It is purely social. I thought I’d have a stable solid family life. I thought I’d have friends. I thought I’d have romance. I pictured giving my kids a different life. They are happy, and so maybe I don’t need to worry, but I still know how things should have been for them, that they probably wouldn’t have had to deal with certain things, and the guilt consumes me. I’ve been trying to do different things to take power back over my life, but so far my efforts haven’t been fruitful. Attending social events, joining new groups, etc. Sometimes putting myself out there with these results contributes even more to the depression. I feel stuck. Last night I was thinking that I probably need to reach some level of acceptance about what my life is now. I need to stop resisting certain things. It is irreversible that I divorced my kids’ father and they have 2 homes now. I think I regret it now, even knowing why I did it then. Where I live is irreversible at least for a while, because I can’t move them away from their dad. I don’t really fit in with the people here. I know people are people wherever you go, but there is a real cultural element too, depending where you live. Women are viewed differently here than I’m used to. I don’t like feeling like I’m lesser. I see men makes mistakes just like anyone else, but my ideas aren’t appreciated, so I have to sit and watch even when I know how to help. And it’s hard to get along with other women who are ok with being lesser and make their lives better through shopping and beauty, or cussing and being rough like one of the guys or whatever. Also, my husband knew everyone here, it’s a small town, they’re his friends and think he’s a god, and they prejudge me now. I’m trying to keep my mind focused on the things I do like about my life, and that can get me through the day. Especially when my kids are around. But when I am alone it hits me hardest. I used to love being alone. I still do most of the time, because I’m not extroverted. But a lot of times I just feel lonely.  I read about radical acceptance through dialectical behavioral therapy, and that has helped for things like abuse in my childhood and other traumatic events later in life. But it doesn’t seem to be helping for decisions I’ve made as an adult. I know I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I try to kindly remind myself that I had real reasons for doing everything I’ve done. Sadly, if I had to do it again I’d probably still do everything the same. I just don’t understand how life has turned out this way. I tried so hard to do good, to do the right things. I prayed and waited and thought about things an long time before taking action. And it got me here. And I’m really struggling with my faith as another result. How do I fully accept what my life is now?  I’m hoping there’s something I’m missing that someone might be able to illuminate for me. I’m very resistive to the thought of things staying this way. Is that my soul trying to tell me to just keep trying to change things? I don’t know what else to change. 
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The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself (Mark Twain)
Journals & Diaries / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 May 21st
...See more I discovered a growth path today, and this quote on it hit me hard. It is finally time to write. I’ve tried journaling here before. The fear of sharing too much and being found has caused me to delete several posts. But the need to write and be seen never goes away, so I’m hoping I can do it this time in a way I can feel comfortable sticking with. I have delayed this for so long because I had no idea where to start. Thinking about it wore me out, so I’d close the browser. So much has happened and is happening constantly. The things trapped inside are eating me alive. I decided I will start with fear. Because even just labeling it makes my heart ache and stomach lurch. My whole life has been built on a foundation of pain and fear. Nothing has ever been safe or stable for long. Despite constant depression, I always had hope, a kind of lighted path I could see if only I could get there. I’ve made change after change to chase that. And I am proud of what I’ve achieved in some ways. Though I’ve gotten farther and farther from real connection. I run between wanting relationships and avoiding them. I’m not sure if I can remember what it feels like or how to attach to someone. Now I find myself at an age I’d never imagined I would still be struggling. Still starting over, again. Still trying to figure out basics. Still trying to make a life. I never feared the future. I didn’t fear old age or what comes after. Now I fear living the rest of my life alone, without any adult companionship. There’s a harsh reality that there will be no community at my eventual funeral, no one to tell fond memories of my friendship. I have wonderful kids, but as any parent knows, you don’t get support from them. I have to be strong for them, alone. They love me fiercely, and I don’t know where I’d be without the unconditional love and purpose they give me. They are literally why I’m still here. There’s fear for my future, but also fear of the present. I have been taking steps to get out and try again meeting new people. There has been more pain, and I don’t know how much more I can take from people on this journey. Advice givers say just to not let people hurt me, and I don’t understand why I can’t get there. It sounds so easy. In my angry moments I tell myself I don’t care what anyone thinks. But I do. I am sensitive to others, and I have strong convictions about how I should treat them and what a good relationship looks like. It is not a complex ideal, it seems logically like it should be natural to achieve. But over and over people surprise me with complication, because of their hyperfocus on what they want and lack of concern for what they might need to offer in return. You cannot make anyone care, compromise, or want to do anything. We can only control ourselves. I don’t want to change anyone, so I look for people that are already on the same page. I want to give to others, and common sense tells me that I cannot be the only person like this, so where are the people who will meet me halfway? I’m driving myself mad in confusion and despair. My hope for this journal is to have a place to start sorting out my feelings about myself and socializing. I must rethink what it is I really need out of life, to start making a new path. This old trail is worn out, and the growing conditions are lacking.
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Does anyone else experience a strange kind of comfort in being depressed?
Depression Support / by PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Last post
 March 22nd, 2025
...See more Hopefully this comes out right. I’ve been noticing that sometimes when depression hits, it feels like an old friend coming in to comfort me.  Of course, I don’t enjoy the depression. I hate it, I wish it would go away, it’s painful. I hate feeling drained, I hate the way I think about myself and my pessimistic outlook. I hate crying and feeling so lost. I think sometimes the depression feels like a welcome change after a round of anxiety that wipes me out. Or some stressful situation that I can’t change. I let go of hope and give up, and it’s like a sigh of relief. Sometimes it seems like a better alternative than being vulnerable and ending up hurt. I think having been depressed for most of my life, it’s familiar, and feeling happy makes me feel uneasy. What bothers me most is that it seems logical, like it answers all my questions about things I don’t understand. Like if I can’t understand why a traumatic thing happened, my depression says it makes sense that it’s because I’m worthless. It’s like a friend giving twisted words of support, and I feel comfort in having an answer. Confusion makes me very uncomfortable. I’m hoping that having had this realization might be a key to fighting off this thinking. It’s very exhausting battling this pull. Is this just me, or can anyone relate?
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