Hypocrisy of people

Sometimes i wonder how much hypocrisy this is when all the time u made me feel like i am not good enough , i am stupid and i know nothing ..how many times u try to fix me up for the things which are natural when u are supposed to teach me love myself and accept myself the way i am , how many times u compared me with others and made me feel below , how many times others compare me or comment on me or on my body and try to fix me when u see i am there alone nodding my head when i clearly want u to come and take my side but u just ignore me and when i touch u to help me get of this but u just moved away  or ignore it and i had to slowly accept with that , how many times u told me i am weak even when i told u everything every problem and u heard it u cried with me but from next day u act like everything is fine that i am fine when i am clearly not that i just overthinking that i am over reacting or i am just weak and i need to be strong when u have clearly seen the bruises on my hands i gave myself when u clearly seen those I made by knives on my wrist those bandages all over my hand and legs but yehh i was over acting i just act control my anger and all those words u say but never realise that they are making me more worst and feel awful and unwanted and made fun of my depression or my cries when u think i am fine but from inside i am crying and begging to feel normal when i don't feel anything but just emptiness and grief of staying alive yet u want me to believe those words that i have achieved before too that i can do anything that i am strong that i am good when i broke down totally while u are the one who never made me feel i did great or even good when i don't get 90% who thinks 91/100 in maths is nothing .. u say i am weak all the time and wants to believe ur word i am strong and i can do this when u say it and i accept it from outside but i can't say anything while from inside i know this is all fake .. those words u say once to me now haunting me all the time everytime , everywhere .. killing me from inside ... and want to do it from outside too ... I don't know why they say we have given u so much freedom to say whatever u want and yeh they did , i say whatever i want but whenever it comes to something imp , something about my feeling or about big decision or choice i am shivering from inside , i am struggling spending my days with knots in my stomach , practising in mind the same conversation over and over and over until i decide i have to do this and when i finally say it .. u think i am just trying to run away from difficult situation ... i don't want to feel this but i just feel worst and awful and unwanted and all those bad and cruel things our mom say to me .. i don't want this but now this is a part of me i can't escape ..