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Jyotik005
1 2,507 M Hopeful Heart 5
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts168 Forum posts47 Forum upvotes91 Current upvotes91 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2026 Member sinceDecember 11, 2024
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I don't wanna let go right now
Depression Support / by Jyotik005
Last post
 September 29th
...See more Hey.. I am here for ur views or maybe advice ...I know what I am sharing is weird maybe ..but that's what I think or I want I do not know .. I read somewhere that to grow and to heal properly u have to let go of ur past ..I know that and I accept it but tbh I don't think I want it to let go now.. I mean I don't blame anyone or I don't have grudges for them or regret about them but I just don't wanna let go right now that maybe I fear that if I let go my pain will be forgotten not by others bcz they don't even know anything or noticed anything but by me.. that all her wrong doing is were seen as normal or acceptable or that she was a great mother or just a normal mother which is not true I am not saying she is bad .. she is great ... Really perfect for everyone expect me so yeh .. I know I won't hold it always I know I will let go  ..I know I will just leave this and move on sure I will do but just not anytime soon .. one day definitely but that day is not anytime soon it's not like I have some grudges or regrets but just don't wanna let go now.. I know this is weird so can u help me in this that is this normal? Is this good? Or bad? 
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Toxic parents....
Depression Support / by Jyotik005
Last post
 September 22nd
...See more U know how messed up this is when kids have to tell their parents how to act like partners ...healthy couples and that they should know what to say to whom... My parents they are toxic couples.. they don't even try t fix things they just ignores and act indifferent.. They say bad about each other to outsiders .. to our extended family and i don't know why they can't understand that their so called extended family isn't their to help them they are just listening to get a gossip...They say things they should not say in front of their kids ... in front of outsiders . I know couples fight but after fight or arguments they should try to fix it not to ignore the person who is helping them to fix that... Its hard for me too to tell my parents how to behave like couple..I am also just 18 .. Today they were shouting in front of my extended aunt who is just a gossip queen .. with eacho ther about her husband and all that *** .. I mean u guys are adult atleast u should know that u guys should not fight about her husband in front of her ... they are not like u guys .. she shares things with her husband unlike u .. And i know my mom do weird things and she hide things from dad so do dad.... I can't handle their fights anymore so i left the house and went to my friends house and tbh i think arguments and fights don't leave my back ... i go there and then there too people started fighting but yeh i came home ..but i finally took courage to make my parents sit in a room and try to talk to them calmly about their behaviour and that they should try to fix it they have kids at home i have my small brother who is just 15 ... he don't show emotions but he feel too so i tried to make things little better but ... have they ever gonna listen to me ?? *** NAH !!! my mom just ignored me and went to do her chores and my dad they both are same they don't even want to try to fix things . I know their past was tough and they had things and fights and maybe past grudges but things can get better only if u try .. It will be same and would never fix if we won't even try once and i don't know why they can't understand that... 
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Why Does Your Voice Scare Me Now?
Depression Support / by Jyotik005
Last post
 September 19th
...See more I wasn't like this .. I am used to it .. I am used of watching fights , raising voices , arguments .. , mom and dad fighting and cursing eachother , mom shouting at everyone , cursing for no reason and being indifferent towards me i am used to it but it feels different now . I get anxious at raising voices , I want to cry or leave the space .. i just want to silent all the noises they made ... I want to have a normal family yeh mine is too but not often .... but i can't stop them i can't tell them to keep quite or pleaseeee don't fight !!! because even if i do they ignore or keep doing that and when i cry in front of my mom she curses me saying " DON'T TRY TO GET ATTENTION " , yeh maybe  i am trying to get attention.. i never get from u but i don't want it i guess , i don't know but even if i try to not get effected it still hurts when u talk to other kids or anyone or everyone so sweetly but not to me ... But i can't do anything about this bcz this is us ... its okay i will be fine and used to it soon .... But it hurts bcz i wasn't this sensitive but now even when their is little rise in tone i get anxious and restless and all i could do it lock myself in room and try not hear... and cursing myself bcz I feel worst in myself bcz of ur words ... I know this is stupid but what can i do ? this is me ... weird and stupid and weak maybe ... I DON'T KNOW but its feels like a fact . 
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Two voices of me
Depression Support / by Jyotik005
Last post
 September 10th
...See more I don't even know what i feel anymore .. I am not even sad or overwhelmed because o others I just hate myself .. My big brother and papa says they beleive in me they trust me that i can do it i have acheived before and i will now too but i can't beleive it its not like i don't want to but i just can't ... There is now like two voices inside me one is cruel not to others but to me .. The meanest one who just hates me ..Who thinks i am unworthy who thinks i shouldnot live who thinks i am worst and i don't deserve to be loved who think i feel this way is good bcz i deserve it bcz i am still alive when i wasn't supposed to so now i am paying for this by all this pain and hatered and another one begging to love me pleaseee , begging don't be hard on  me please i want to be happy i want to feel good i want to be loved but the cruel one always wins .. I once read a quote says "MOM please talk to me nicely because one day i will start talking to me with the same voice u used to talk to me " and yeh i am doing this ...i don't want to but i am doing it .. I always teach my little brother to always choose ur words nicely i try my best to protect him from mom's words and anger so he won't become second me but still he loves others more than me he loves those cousins of our more whom he meet in years and thinks i am just stupid and they are best who once said mom why she made me born i shouldn't have born .. It would be better if he had a brother than me .. its ok i know i am worst and i am soo stupid who want to not feel this but this is me no matter i much i try to run away rom this i am just worst and i know it but i am still so stupid to want not to feel it ..
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I know - Please don't remind me !!
Depression Support / by Jyotik005
Last post
 September 3rd
...See more Over the past few days, I have experienced so much—the feelings of being in a relationship with a guy followed by disgust and anger after understanding his mindset. I've been dealing with insomnia, maybe panic attacks, anxiety attacks, oversleeping, and surviving on just one meal a day or only black coffee. I've engaged in self-harm, cutting, biting, crying all day in my room, locking myself away for days, and finally sharing everything with my brother. He says he believes in me. He and everyone else know that I can do it and that I will achieve everything I am capable of, but I can't. I don't doubt whether I will make it or not; I truly believe I can't, and I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. There are thousands of thoughts rushing through my mind, and they don't even sound like my own voice. It feels as if someone else is constantly telling me that I am the worst, that I can't do anything, that I am weak, stupid, unwanted, and that I don't deserve to be happy or loved. The thoughts can get extremely dark and overwhelming, and I just respond with, "I know, I know, please don't remind me. I know this, you don't have to tell me again." I keep apologizing to myself and asking the thoughts to stop. He tells me not to think about it and just do my best. My best?? I am not even able to complete my daily lectures, and I just waste my time and then feel overwhelming guilt. It's not that I don't want to study—I do—but I just can't focus and can't complete my tasks. Everything takes me so much longer than it actually should, and it frustrates and overwhelms me so much!! I know I am supposed to be doing things, and I genuinely want to. That's what makes this even more frustrating. I can see everything I need to do, I know what I want for myself, and yet somehow I just can't make myself function normally right now.
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