Jyotik005 Member Profile

Hypocrisy of people

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

3 days ago

...See more Sometimes i wonder how much hypocrisy this is when all the time u made me feel like i am not good enough , i am stupid and i know nothing ..how many times u try to fix me up for the things which are natural when u are supposed to teach me love myself and accept myself the way i am , how many times u compared me with others and made me feel below , how many times others compare me or comment on me or on my body and try to fix me when u see i am there alone nodding my head when i clearly want u to come and take my side but u just ignore me and when i touch u to help me get of this but u just moved away or ignore it and i had to slowly accept with that , how many times u told me i am weak even when i told u everything every problem and u heard it u cried with me but from next day u act like everything is fine that i am fine when i am clearly not that i just overthinking that i am over reacting or i am just weak and i need to be strong when u have clearly seen the bruises on my hands i gave myself when u clearly seen those I made by knives on my wrist those bandages all over my hand and legs but yehh i was over acting i just act control my anger and all those words u say but never realise that they are making me more worst and feel awful and unwanted and made fun of my depression or my cries when u think i am fine but from inside i am crying and begging to feel normal when i don't feel anything but just emptiness and grief of staying alive yet u want me to believe those words that i have achieved before too that i can do anything that i am strong that i am good when i broke down totally while u are the one who never made me feel i did great or even good when i don't get 90% who thinks 91/100 in maths is nothing .. u say i am weak all the time and wants to believe ur word i am strong and i can do this when u say it and i accept it from outside but i can't say anything while from inside i know this is all fake .. those words u say once to me now haunting me all the time everytime , everywhere .. killing me from inside ... and want to do it from outside too ... I don't know why they say we have given u so much freedom to say whatever u want and yeh they did , i say whatever i want but whenever it comes to something imp , something about my feeling or about big decision or choice i am shivering from inside , i am struggling spending my days with knots in my stomach , practising in mind the same conversation over and over and over until i decide i have to do this and when i finally say it .. u think i am just trying to run away from difficult situation ... i don't want to feel this but i just feel worst and awful and unwanted and all those bad and cruel things our mom say to me .. i don't want this but now this is a part of me i can't escape ..

Hypocrisy of people

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

2 days ago

...See more Sometimes i wonder how much hypocrisy this is when all the time u made me feel like i am not good enough , i am stupid and i know nothing ..how many times u try to fix me up for the things which are natural when u are supposed to teach me love myself and accept myself the way i am , how many times u compared me with others and made me feel below , how many times others compare me or comment on me or on my body and try to fix me when u see i am there alone nodding my head when i clearly want u to come and take my side but u just ignore me and when i touch u to help me get of this but u just moved away or ignore it and i had to slowly accept with that , how many times u told me i am weak even when i told u everything every problem and u heard it u cried with me but from next day u act like everything is fine that i am fine when i am clearly not that i just overthinking that i am over reacting or i am just weak and i need to be strong when u have clearly seen the bruises on my hands i gave myself when u clearly seen those I made by knives on my wrist those bandages all over my hand and legs but yehh i was over acting i just act control my anger and all those words u say but never realise that they are making me more worst and feel awful and unwanted and made fun of my depression or my cries when u think i am fine but from inside i am crying and begging to feel normal when i don't feel anything but just emptiness and grief of staying alive yet u want me to believe those words that i have achieved before too that i can do anything that i am strong that i am good when i broke down totally while u are the one who never made me feel i did great or even good when i don't get 90% who thinks 91/100 in maths is nothing .. u say i am weak all the time and wants to believe ur word i am strong and i can do this when u say it and i accept it from outside but i can't say anything while from inside i know this is all fake .. those words u say once to me now haunting me all the time everytime , everywhere .. killing me from inside ... and want to do it from outside too ... I don't know why they say we have given u so much freedom to say whatever u want and yeh they did , i say whatever i want but whenever it comes to something imp , something about my feeling or about big decision or choice i am shivering from inside , i am struggling spending my days with knots in my stomach , practising in mind the same conversation over and over and over until i decide i have to do this and when i finally say it .. u think i am just trying to run away from difficult situation ... i don't want to feel this but i just feel worst and awful and unwanted and all those bad and cruel things our mom say to me .. i don't want this but now this is a part of me i can't escape ..

Two voices of me

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

2 days ago

...See more I don't even know what i feel anymore .. I am not even sad or overwhelmed because o others I just hate myself .. My big brother and papa says they beleive in me they trust me that i can do it i have acheived before and i will now too but i can't beleive it its not like i don't want to but i just can't ... There is now like two voices inside me one is cruel not to others but to me .. The meanest one who just hates me ..Who thinks i am unworthy who thinks i shouldnot live who thinks i am worst and i don't deserve to be loved who think i feel this way is good bcz i deserve it bcz i am still alive when i wasn't supposed to so now i am paying for this by all this pain and hatered and another one begging to love me pleaseee , begging don't be hard on me please i want to be happy i want to feel good i want to be loved but the cruel one always wins .. I once read a quote says "MOM please talk to me nicely because one day i will start talking to me with the same voice u used to talk to me " and yeh i am doing this ...i don't want to but i am doing it .. I always teach my little brother to always choose ur words nicely i try my best to protect him from mom's words and anger so he won't become second me but still he loves others more than me he loves those cousins of our more whom he meet in years and thinks i am just stupid and they are best who once said mom why she made me born i shouldn't have born .. It would be better if he had a brother than me .. its ok i know i am worst and i am soo stupid who want to not feel this but this is me no matter i much i try to run away rom this i am just worst and i know it but i am still so stupid to want not to feel it ..

I know - Please don't remind me !!

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

September 3rd

...See more Over the past few days, I have experienced so much—the feelings of being in a relationship with a guy followed by disgust and anger after understanding his mindset. I've been dealing with insomnia, maybe panic attacks, anxiety attacks, oversleeping, and surviving on just one meal a day or only black coffee. I've engaged in self-harm, cutting, biting, crying all day in my room, locking myself away for days, and finally sharing everything with my brother. He says he believes in me. He and everyone else know that I can do it and that I will achieve everything I am capable of, but I can't. I don't doubt whether I will make it or not; I truly believe I can't, and I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. There are thousands of thoughts rushing through my mind, and they don't even sound like my own voice. It feels as if someone else is constantly telling me that I am the worst, that I can't do anything, that I am weak, stupid, unwanted, and that I don't deserve to be happy or loved. The thoughts can get extremely dark and overwhelming, and I just respond with, "I know, I know, please don't remind me. I know this, you don't have to tell me again." I keep apologizing to myself and asking the thoughts to stop. He tells me not to think about it and just do my best. My best?? I am not even able to complete my daily lectures, and I just waste my time and then feel overwhelming guilt. It's not that I don't want to study—I do—but I just can't focus and can't complete my tasks. Everything takes me so much longer than it actually should, and it frustrates and overwhelms me so much!! I know I am supposed to be doing things, and I genuinely want to. That's what makes this even more frustrating. I can see everything I need to do, I know what I want for myself, and yet somehow I just can't make myself function normally right now.

Why can't people mind their own business ?

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

September 3rd

...See more Isn't it weird that no matter how happy or good u were but still onesome's one random comment makes u soo restless and insecure again.. I have my insecurity and i am trying so much to survive with them or win over them and slowly maybe i am learning but still one some just comes and passes a comment and boom back to zero.. like seriously , we all know everyone has their own problem and struggles but still most of them just focus on others life more , intentionally or unintentionally point out their insecurity like its my height , my weight , my body u have nothing to do with it so why the *** are u obsessed with fixing me ??? why the *** u so focus on wheather i am doing exercise to inc my height or not ? am i going to gym to loose my weight or not? am i getting slim or not? or i am still that short , fat ugly person .... and TBH its soo easy to say ignore people , or their words , have confidence in urself , love urself but how am i able to love myself when since i was born i was being compared to every one either about height , weight , skin, am i doing house chores or not? and i always fails in that comparision bcz i was never a proper fit ...for anyone ... wherever i go either a family function , a gathering , or even my own birthday .. not just my distant relatives but my own mom , brother , and some close relatives gives me advices how to inc ur height , or be slim , how do i have confidence when i go out and random neighbor or anyone just comments about my short height and says u should inc ur height or how u drive scooty ur legs are so small and noone not even my family protects me or takes my side and when i say something to them they be like we are talking for ur favour so u can inc ur height otherwise in future u will blame us for not pushing u enough for inc height .. i mean seriously??? ur work is not to make me feel insecure or unworthy or self concious but to love myself to accept myself the way i am but no they can't do this and now there i am even if i try soo much i can't love myself and just hates myself every part of my body every thing about myself ... and now when someone says or points out my insecurity i can't event able to take stand i just agrees with them like its my fault .. i don't maybe it was , maybe it wasn't but ok.. i mean is this soo difficult to mind your own business or understand which ur " normal comment" can be someone's insecurity and can ruined their hours , days or even weeks ... I had a very bad day i had been having soo bad days from past few days getting anxiety attack , hurting myself , hating myself , restless always on edge and today i went out for shopping with my dad and finally felt little happy and like yehhh maybe i am feeling good or healing maybe .. but then my cousin brother called i had no energy talking to anyone he was talking with my brother but then he passed me phone so i talked with him and then after a while he started talking about my height .. " what about ur height now?" , " what u increased it?" , " Are u doing exercise to inc ur height?" , " u should do exercise to inc ur height , u look like a child , a 5 year old kid" ? and tbh my height is yess its smalll but not that much that i look like a 5 year old but yehhh i don't care .. but ofc it hurts and it hurts soo much and my mood ruined again and and i became restless and overwhelmed again and started bitting my hands again , avg reflex of me when i get restless and overwhelmed and now old bruises are not healed i get new one ..A growth right...

I am proud of myself

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

August 25th

...See more Hey everyone , How's you all doing? i hope good .. I had been soo depressed from past few days that i just can't sleep until its 5:00 AM and sometimes even late and i had been skipping meals and only surviving in black coffee just drinks tons of highly caffeinated black coffee bcz that's what i do when i am restless or overwhelmed so i only had one meal a day at night or sometimes not even that ..these last few days were hard soo hard even so today , it didn't started well but i was way more lighter and smiling then past days but then by evening i get depressed again just wanted to hurt myself and cry but tears just don't come out .. but now i am good i made dinner for myself at mid night (2:00 AM) lol , I had 2 meals today , i know it sounds so weird but literally i had no energy to even eat back then even eating feels like real heavy task so really for me this is a great achievement and i am happy for this now .. and i refill all the water bottles and i know i am gonna sound gross but yehh I hadn't even combed my hairs in days but i did it just right now and i kinda feel good.. I know i might sound gross to all of u or that they are so basic things but when u have spend days just crying or harming urself and just wanted to become motionless when even doing a simple chore feels like a ride or die thing it mattered and yeh i did it today and i am feeling relaxed and happy and good 😇👍

I need someone to forget my feeling with

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

August 24th

When home doesn't feel like home

Depression Support / by Jyotik005

August 22nd

...See more Hii , are u having good time? i wish you do bcz i am not , lol right? but its ok i am just soo overwhelmed and stressed and maybe overthinking i don't know so i just came here to write my emotions and thoughts . It might look all of u that i am just dumping my emotional baggage so you can just skip or ignore it .. SO basically ,i have been in depression and have anxiety from long and now its getting more and more intense but good thing i started my therapy . so whenever someone fight in my family even if it doesn't not included me i get soo overwhelmed and anxious and i get soo many intrusive thoughts that i can't handle it etc ,and i don't even have energy to fight or argue with anyone ... i am even scared of noises .. me!!! the one who is loudspeaker of my home , ironical right? but yeh thats life ... so whenever my mom says *** or tries to argue or start a fight which is do all the time she just shouts and curses everyone no matter what and i try to speak calmly and respectfully but she can't accept even that and yesterday she and my lil bro started arguing they are raising their voice i am telling them to not fight , she don't listen to me and i used to it now so its ok so i am telling kana my lil bro to not fight and stay quiet and he do but she keeps poking him and saying mean things to him and me and they started arguing and fighting and i can't handle it .. i started crying so hard , so loud ,so scared , so tired and frustrated of everything of myself .. and guess what she does ..? if its other mom's they would have been looking their crying daughter but nah she is different she started cursing me and saying mean things to me that i am crying to get attention and that dad will wake up and fight with her bcz of me and thats what i am trying to do and i am crying as if there is no o.. and tbh now i want it but it isn't and i don't know weather to be happy or sad about it but its ok .. i am fine and then she just left me and went to another room and sleeping and u know i was crying but after 2 mins i had to force myself to not cry because " I DON'T WANNA BE THE REASON SHE AND DAD FIGHTS " so i stopped and rest in my room alone and hugged my pillow because i want cuddles and i need them but i don't have a human so pillow is only cuddler to me and i am listening to my music and resting .. i couldn't sleep bcz i am not able to now i am thinking and i am started getting insomnia cause i couldn't sleep from almost half of month or more ... and i started crying again crushing my face in pillow bcz i can't make noises and then finally after crying and letting everything out i finally relaxed a little .. I just have a ques , arn't parents supposed to make u feel loved and safe ? so why arn't mine? i mean why they make me feel like i am a burden or my lil bro is ? why i have to be the mom of my lil bro when he has one ... and why i don't have a mom? i mean i do have a women who is called my mom officialy but why she never felt like one ? why she loves everyone outside even my big brother but not me? why she thinks i am the reason of all the fights they had in home? why she always compare me to everyone? why she loves even the spoiled kids out there but not her own blood daugther ? why she can't see i am not able to sleep at nights and i just turn and turn or scroll almost half of night bcz i couldn't sleep? why she don't make me feel loved and protected? why she made me feel like burden and failure ? why she says her own daughter the meanest and cruelest things no one should ever say to anyone , why she always made me feel wonder why don't i have a big sister who understands me and make me feel like what true love looks like what motherly love looks like? why she made me feel jeleous to those kids who have sweetest mom who loves them and protect them ? why i had to be loving mother of my lil baby bro when i am her elder sister who is just 18 and struggling with my own mental health but she don't gave a *** .. why i had to go to find him and look for him yesterday night at 11 PM all alone , walking when he is out and not picking up phone while both of our parents act like they don't gave *** about it where one is sleeping and other is scrolling !! why i had to be his mom when i hate kids .. when i never want to be a mom in future because it scares me that i will be like her and ruin someone's life when she is the one whose words and actions made me feel like i have her genes i can't be anyone's mom in future or i will destroy their life so why i have to be his son's mom when she is alive and why her own daughter don't have a mom ... when i genuinely want one .... why her words and actions doing the same with my baby bro and i try my best to protect him but feels like i am failing even in this and that even how hard i try protect him so he won't be second me but i see him becoming another me and i just can't help and feel guilty that i am not even a good sister when i trying ,... i am trying soo much i swear i am but i just can' do anything and feel like a failure .... and wonder how different a person or a home can feel to different people where my big brother get all the love and everything i get nothing and he asks whats wrong with u , what should i tell him , that i want a mother but doesn't have any but its ok i am good all i imagine in my mind is telling them everything and maybe after it they will finally understand and change maybe but i can't in real life because i don't have courage so i am good .. its ok ...

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