Idk what to call this

Today was my first day of school and I was so excited but now I am having suicidal thoughts. I am not in crisis this is just what it’s like when I’m sad so like it’s avg for me. This morning I tried to make a joke because my friend mixed up where to write smth and I stupidly forgot that she did t like that kind of stuff. After that she said to a diff friend that she wants to go to the LC (Individual needa corridor) for lunch but doesnt want to be alone so I offered to come and she just made a noise which I knew meant she didn’t want me there. After that tge teacher played a song that reminds me of a friend that I miss so much that it feels like he died (smth happened and he left me). Also (and this is such a spoilt thing to be really upset and stressed out about) but im in the first year of form 6 and 6 form used to be allowed to wear their own clothes but we found out tdy that starting next school year we have to wear uniform and ive also been really severely sad abt that and it’s such a spoilt thing to b sad abt but like I feel a lot more confident and like myself when I’m in my own clothes. And like this whole day i just kept having the same thought “Am I going to end up alone?”. I know ppl say live in the moment and im trying to but like I just can’t shake the feeling that im gonna end up alone. And ik ppl say live”the only person you need is you” and that you have to love yourself otherwise you will be lonely. But I want friends, I want people to laugh with, I want people I know wouldnt just leave. I want friends I can trust are actually my friends. I know it’s a big ask but Thats just what I want. I have friends but I don’t trust that their my friends cuz I’m used to having “friends” and then randomly finding out theyrenot actually there for me and wouldnt even notice if I was gone. Im trying to focus on work but all that does is shut me out from ppl and look like im not doing well. I just want to stop feeling lonely but ik that’ll never happen u less I get rid of my disability and my autism. Ik its not good to blame those things but honestly wothout them I would b normal