I don't know if I can do it anymore
I just want someone to notice my pain, I'm so tired of hiding it all away, but at the same time, I'm so afraid to ask for help, and every time I wanna hang out with people, it feels like I'm crying out for help
I don't want people to think I'm desperate, but I am. I want so desperately for people to ask me how I'm doing, I wanna be noticed, I want people to talk to me and make me feel okay, it hurts so much
@calmLunch9427
I hear you. Is a hug ok? 🫂
Do you want to tell us more about your pain?
I'm just tired of my emotions and mental illness stuff. Sometimes I wish I could rip out my brain and stomp on it
I wish it was easier to find ways to relieve my brain, but I don't have much, and nothing seems very interesting, so I'm just kinda in survival mode every day, trying to find any and everything to make my brain feel okay till the next day
I wish I wasn't born like this or traumatized so much to be this way
@calmLunch9427 Are you comfortable to talk here about what makes you traumatized? If you prefer 1:1, then you can find me in Listener chat.
It's fine here in the post
I think my biggest source of trauma is the absue I've gone through by my narcissistic father. I'm hoping once my therapy properly starts up, I can work on recovering from it, along with coping with my ADHD a bit better
It's just permeated into a lotta aspects of my life, and even after all these years, it still hurts
@calmLunch9427 The pain originating from a person that you needed to be your safe place must be really difficult to carry. What seems to be most difficult about it now? Are you able to name it more?
I think the most difficult part is how it's impacted my self esteem. My dad would always get so mad at me over every little mistake, and combining that with rejection sensitive dysphoria from my ADHD, I always beat myself up over the littlest things
@calmLunch9427
It cuts deep. There is something about what you are doing now. You are here. You are naming it. It sounds like you are more than ready to break through the cage that you didn't ask for.
You asked to notice you.
You deserve to be seen. To be known. To be loved.
Everybody does and so do you.
I whish those words could create a warmth that lasts. I just suspect that they can't. They would not be enough to change much for real for me in the past. Since then, I grew to believe that external warmth remains momentary, until you learn how to hold it within you. Don't get me wrong. I don't say that you need to figure it out by yourself in yourself. I think it is easier to learn the safety from real experience then from theory but it needs active learning.
Do you have an idea of what would you like to find here now?
Would you also share what is your age range?
My age is 21. I think I'm learning to be better at accepting love from others, recognizing that the people close to me really do care about me, and that theres not much I can do to change that
I'm hoping once I'm into therapy properly, it'll help me with that
@calmLunch9427
Can you help me capture your thought better? What is that you would like to change and are accepting that you can't? It sounds to me like if it was the fact that people care about you. But I think you might have tried to say something else.
Hlw u r human it's really ok to feel desperate I'm here to listen and understand ur pain pls free to reach out in chat 🙏 God bless u
Thank you, I appreciate the kindness. I won't be able to talk, I need sleep, but I really do appreciate it
@calmLunch9427 The volunteer word comes to my mind immediately after reading this. I hope you understand what I meant. Give first, receive later.
Maybe I understand what you mean. That for people to notice me or understand me properly, I have to kinda put myself out there more, and help others too, did I understand right?