I don’t know what I feel
I felt nothing for a long time. I’ve lied, cheated, and ignored just to try and feel something other than what I can’t describe right now. I don’t care about anything but I’m afraid to push it all away. I want to be alone and give in to my self destruction and addictions but I don’t wanna hurt other people or lose them. I’m not living or coping for my own wellbeing but for others, however the ways I cope would hurt those people as well if they knew about them. I speed on empty roads to feel something in my stomach, I cheated to feel like I was appreciated by someone who wasn’t my faithful wife just because we were having problems, I lie about where I’ve been and what I do just to feel like I have some sort of excitement, I think about a life I could’ve had if I’d made different choices instead of loving what I have, and at the end of the day I don’t know what I feel about any of it. I don’t really care I guess, I’m not sure. I just have to keep waking up and being someone I’ve cultivated for others so that they can’t keep being happy. I’m really tired. Idk I’m just typing stuff I guess.
@Flayyy I meant so they can be happy at the end there. Woops.
@Flayyy I have the impression that maybe you want/need something. But you don’t know what it is. I would guess those are not the things you tried. Maybe if you looked deep enough you could figure it out? I would not be surprised if what you really wanted was a good thing. Maybe something that you have given up on for some reason?
As far as I understand the question “what do I actually want?” might take lots of time to answer. Especially, if you believe so much that you don’t care…
Could there be a part of you that got silenced as too impractical, too vulnerable, too much or other reason?
Don't give up,obviously you have a big heart for people and their happiness,and the world needs more of those kind of people. YOUR AWESOME!!!!💚
