I don't know whats happening

i don't know what's happening to me there is a storm and tons of words and thoughts that are just roaming but nothing comes out i wanna share i feel things they just made me feel sad , overwhelmed and depressed but i can't do anything whenever i try to share i just become blank because either i go numb and forget everything or just nothing comes out .. i cant even form words that are supposed to come out but noo i can't do anything i feel like stupid way more stupid lol right because okk one second i am good working in another i curse myself because thats all i can do ... and say bad things to myself like i am worst i am a *** and i don't deserve to be happy i hate myself i hate u are not loved by anyone or maybe u do but atleast not by me because u dn't deserve it and then another second i try to say i love u ..u are great u are beautiful and then i was like i hate u soo much i don't care about u are just a worst *** and then i laugh like it was a joke adn then want to cry .... i wanna love myself but i just can't and i just wonder why is it so difficult to love urself and why can't i do it i am just stupid ... i laugh but then i feel sad and scared to whAT i don't know but i do maybe scared of being happy and laughing i just feel worst i am stupid , arn't i ? i don't know what to say i am just so confused and i don't know it tough it is but i just even able to share ... i am good maybe i don't know i just feel awful ...