I don't really know what I have
Hmm where I should start , maybe it all started in my childhood And the fact that she was sexually abused when she was 7 years old and the worst thing was that it was not only once, after that that guy left the country and a month ago I found out that he is doing very well haha... Anyway also that although I have had many "friends" I really do not feel that they are present and that in a way makes me feel alone, and that was why my childhood was "normal" I was never a student with an excellent grade but I was not one of the worst so that does not really bother me... After elementary school everything got worse, this is something that makes me ashamed but I cried in high school Because I felt lonely bad, and it's not like I had friends to vent to, so I just felt bad, but at the same time empty and that's when I tried to commit suicide for the first time. As you can see it didn't go as I would have wanted so here I am
Now in high school (preparatoria, i'm from Mexico) These past couple of months I've thought more about suicide and trying again, but this time without mistakes. Now that I remember it in high school I also cut my arms, and that is something that in a way also makes me feel bad, when I was a child because my parents also beat me for "not behaving" and I think that is good because That's how they "educated" me and I also haven't told them about the abuse because it's been many years and, I'm afraid, and even with that I love them and I know that they love me but deep down I know that they don't like me, since I've also received countless insults from them in addition to the fact that my only sister hates me since I was a fetus, Fortunately I have siblings so they have also accompanied me.
One thing I've been very upset about these days is because I have a "friend" who I told her all this, I had a lot of trust with her and what she did is that she told another girl who is also an acquaintance and told her what was happening to me and since I had told her by message I took it. He captures our conversation and I send it to him... But I'm also afraid to talk to him about it and not mind him since he's a person with a lot of ego and I also know that he won't take it as important as I would like.
And as I said a couple of months ago I have considered suicide again, and since then I also have no desire for anything, I cry almost from the newspaper and I have no strength to do anything. I know that these "problems" They are not a big deal since I am also a teenager and I don't really have "real" problems but at least I would like to feel heard and if they wonder if I have gone to therapy. No, I haven't because We don't have money. Even if I will try to look for a free therapy program here where I live
Excuse me if I don't express myself well and that it's also a lot of text
@charmingTriangle7237
I'm really sorry to hear what you’re going through. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain and loneliness for a long time, and it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by everything. Your experiences, especially the abuse and the challenges in your relationships, have understandably left a mark on you. It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard.
It must be incredibly difficult to feel isolated and alone, even when surrounded by people. It’s painful when those we trust don’t respond in the way we need, like with your friend sharing your story without your consent. Trust is such a fragile thing, especially when you’ve already been through so much. It’s okay to feel hurt and betrayed by that experience.
Your thoughts of suicide and feelings of emptiness are serious, and it’s important to recognize how heavy that burden can be. Please know that reaching out, even in this way, shows strength. You're expressing feelings that many struggle to articulate, and that takes courage.
You mentioned that you love your family despite the difficult dynamics. That complexity is common—loving someone while also feeling pain from their actions is a tough emotional landscape to navigate. It’s understandable to feel conflicted about sharing your experiences with them, especially given your fears about their reaction.
Finding a safe space to express these feelings is crucial. You mentioned considering looking for a free therapy program, and that could be a really positive step. There are people who care and want to help you process everything you’re feeling. Even when it seems like your problems might not feel "real" compared to others, your feelings matter, and it’s okay to seek support.
In the meantime, I encourage you to take small steps to care for yourself. Journaling your thoughts or expressing them through art can sometimes help release those intense emotions. It might also be helpful to reach out to other friends or siblings who you feel comfortable with, as having a support system can be invaluable.
Remember, you’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way sometimes. Your life has value, and there are people and resources out there that can help you navigate this challenging time. It’s okay to reach for support; you deserve to be heard and cared for.
Thanks a lot. You really help me a lot
