I feel inconsolable

I'm in a very difficult situation. I just started my second year of college and I hate it. It's only the first week but I feel extremely overwhelmed and like I don't want to go anymore. I have no motivation. Even tho it's only been three days i do the one hour commute just to stay there half an hour, give up and go back home. I don't want to be there but i can't quit because I hate being anywhere. Alot of this is due to the fact that I messed up my friendships with three people in my class. I had a very rough time last year when it happened too. Two of them were extremely important to me, we were a small friend group. They made collage such an amazing experience for me before I messed it up. I was genuinely so happy back then. But after I had a huge fight with my parents and my favorite teacher quit his job things just went downhill. I convinced myself we were drifting apart and I completely cut ties out of nowhere. It was very painful and I regret the way I acted. I was very down mentally and I did know how to handle it. The same way I am now.

I decided to reach out to them and apologize, say I miss them and that I'm very sorry. They told me they try to understand and that we can talk but that we can't go back to being close friends. Even tho I completely understand their decision it hurt so much and it was so heartbreaking that it's difficult for me to move on. I was told by people that it is ok and that we will eventually get closer and get over it over time. But I know that can't happen, I have no idea how to interact with them now. I feel such a deep shame and sadness that it's impossible to ignore. It's impossible to talk and to try and get any close again knowing they see me differently after what I did. I can't afford to go to therapy at the moment and I don't know what to do. Every time I go to class I feel sick and I'm on the brink of tears, unable to interact with anyone and especially them. It's really difficult for me to hold back tears for some reason and I usually leave to go home. I end up crying on the bus which is extremely embarrassing and people stare at me alot.

I've had a self harm addiction for a long time and I quit a few years ago when I finally managed to make a few friends and my life got a little better. I relapsed today because I feel so alone and hopeless. The truth is that there are some people who might be willing to help but I also feel way to ashamed to talk to them. I've talked about this to my boyfriend so much that even I'm sick of hearing it. I don't want to be even more of a burden. There's nothing he can say or do to help me because what I want isn't possible. I can't undo what I did and I can't force people to want to be close to me when they don't want to. At the end of the day I'm aware it doesn't matter how I felt mentally and that what I did hurt them. But sometimes it feels like there's no place for me anywhere. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to be around me because I know how difficult I am. But that is the exact reason I feel this way, everyone can leave but I can't, I'm stuck with myself. It's technically not hard for me to actually feel better and be happy, it's easy when I have friends. The issue is it's very hard to make friends, no one wants to deal with someone like me in this mental state. I know I shouldn't rely on odher people, it's something I thought about alot and tried to fix. But no matter what I can't enjoy being alone. And I really don't see a way out.