I feel like I've lost my soul
After misdiagnosing me with bipolar disorder, my psychiatrist forced mood stabilizers on me that made me hollow all summer. She dropped me when I told her I stopped taking them because they were making me suicidal. I thought I would regain my creative rhythm, but I feel like I've lost my soul still, 3 months later. I try and force myself to do my hobbies, but I have no faith or passion. Everything seems foolish and pointless. I desperately throw myself into my job so I feel useful, but in my free time I keep failing myself and it's killing me. It's a cycle of working hard and then being depressed/anxious with any time I have to myself (which is half the week, since I only work part time). I get drunk just to feel something semi-positive. I self harm just to prove to myself that the pain of being hollow is valid and real. I've been consumed with grief so many times while driving that I need to pull off the road because I'm crying too hard. I want someone to slap me. I can't sleep at least 1 night a week because of anxiety. No one gives a *** that I feel like a ghost of myself- I am employed and have a master's degree, isn't that great? On paper, my life is good, but the thought of continuing like this makes me want to not continue.
@determinedSea4370 🙁bless you. The wrong meds can really mess with your system. Perhaps a new psychiatrist and a new diagnosis might help you get the right meds, and your life back on track. Just don't give up ok? It will get better again, just one day at a time ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 thank you so much for replying! honestly, i've lost faith in psychiatrists for the time being. i dont think i can handle another roller coaster of medications any time soon. but i think i will try to find a therapist who can help me build better coping skills. i didnt drink last night, so that was a win. i give you hugs back.
@determinedSea4370
I agree you have some really good ideas here:
Searching for a therapist who would help you working on your problem coping skills.
Putting not too much hope into pharmaceuticals, that could "hibernate" emotional problems without solving them and create dangerous side effects.
Abstaining from alcohol, because it is a short-term mood enhancer, but in the long term it works as a depressant.
You also mentioned pulling off the road to cry: I remember asking my psychologist in my early adult years to redirect me to a psychiatrist (in my country those two are strictly separate), just to make sure everything was OK with me. But when the psychiatrist saw me crying she just smiled and she knew she had nothing to do with me, and turned me back to my therapist. I believe crying is a natural self-healing mechanism.
@jacek73 The psychiatrist situation that you went through seems odd, but I suppose to a certain extent it is healthier for a person to be crying as a normal reaction to emotions rather than not emoting. I do think medications in the USA are over-prescribed for people who could otherwise benefit from exploring coping with their emotions with action and real change rather than drugs. It's all case by case though, I guess. Thank you for the crying validation- I usually end up crying at least a little bit every day, so maybe I'm just trying to heal lol. Thank you. I've also found that I've started to feel a little better after I've started helping people on this website, so there is something changing for the better in my life.
@determinedSea4370
Thank you for trusting in the community here, for sharing your deep feelings and thoughts. I know what its like to feel hollow, to have a job and be successful but otherwise be alone and without anything tangible for myself. Sometimes realizing our mental pain means just that, making it real to our body. It demonstrates our feelings. When we have no one else who really understands us or listens to us, we only have ourselves to talk with. Sometimes thats not enough.
I'm here to help, I'm here to talk. I care, and I will listen. Not just because its the nice thing to do, but because I've been deep in the hole before and I hate to see others stuck in it too.
@FirmWind thank you so much for replying. i think part of what i need is just someone other than a paid therapist to recognize that even though my life looks good, my soul feels like it's lost in a pit because ive lost the mostly lost the habits and feelings i define myself with.
