I feel lost and confused
Hi everyone, first time posting here. Not really sure where to begin or what to say.
I’ve always struggled with depression ever since I lost my grandma back in 2011. I got into an RTA back in 2019. Although nobody was severely injured, I don’t think I have fully recovered since then. Even now I’m still petrified of being in the car with my mum.
Ever since that day, it seems like everything in my life has gone downhill and continues to spiral down, even if we exclude the pandemic. After the RTA, I went back to college and eventually was told that I should drop out as I wasn’t coping.
My memory seems to be degrading since I can't really remember a lot of my childhood or things that I have previously learned and done.
I used to play games to escape and have fun, but my skill level in those games seems worse than ever. My mental focus and attention span also seems lower than ever, but I blame social media and *** for that.
I feel incapable of doing most things anymore and that my life is just a complete waste of time,
My creativity and imagination also seem to have disappeared entirely. When I used to be able to create stories and art as a kid, I no longer seem able to come up with anything creative or clever.
Despite my best efforts, I don't learn like I used to back in school and college. Even though I’ve spent the best part of 3 years trying to learn German, I don’t seem to understand anything and can’t speak fluently. Everything I've tried seems to fail. This also applies to self-help and mindfulness.
I still rely heavily on my parents for everything, despite being 24 now. I'm incapable of doing things by myself. I am their only child and they're both in their early 60s now so I am constantly worried about how much time I have left with them, especially since I rely on them so heavily.
I can't drive and also don't want to due to past events and poor experience with one instructor. I have no job and was deemed as unfit by the government so rely on benefits.
I constantly compare myself with other people and how successful they are, which just puts me down more as I think I'm incapable of doing better. I have no sense of identity or self worth and constantly put myself down. I feel completely lost and alone but also feel like I'm not worth the effort to get help, that everything I do is pathetic and needy.
Nothing that you are doing is pathetic or needy. What you describe is what mental illness can do to you and it really can make you think slower and make things much harder to handle.
But that doesn't mean that a good bit of recovery isn't possible. I have definitely spent long periods where I could not think clearly, but I do much better with that now.
This is a great place to come to start a support network of people who understand and want to help. This particular spot on the website is slightly slower. But if you write something here each day about how things are going, I will respond. I am pretty regular about it.
Let me ask, have you talked to doctors or therapists about how you are doing right now? They can be very helpful in getting on a better path. @ConsiderateZombie42
Firstly I want to apologies for the late reply, I’ve not been getting notifications from 7Cups some reason.
I last spoke to a nurse about the situation in November, this was when they had not long changed my medication to Mirtazapine which I take at night since it makes me tired. Even more so than I usually am. I have been unable to make an appointment with them recently.
I was recently joined a group therapy, aside from being the youngest there I feel like I’m not “broken” enough to be there. One of the other issue is, it requires me to get in the car and drive for about 20 minutes with my mum to get there once a week and I’m constantly worrying about things that could go wrong in the process of getting there.
No need to apologize. I literally come on at the same point each day.
There is a chance that a change in medication would help a lot, so do talk to doctors. It took me a long time to find the right meds.
For the group therapy, why do you consider yourself not broken enough? People bring all sorts of stuff to therapy and comparing yourself to those who are there in terms of who has suffered the most trauma gets you nowhere. Everyone's brains handle things differently and you are certainly suffering. That is enough. Allow yourself to just be at the therapy sessions and watch for ways that other people are coming up with ways to cope. You are just there to learn.
As far as the driving goes, consider it a form of exposure therapy. It is good to get out for those little drives because your brain will slowly start to realize that you are surviving each one of them. I know that anxiety makes them tough right now because of your trauma, but they will get easier.
You can do this.
Do you get outside at all just to exercise or walk?
@ConsiderateZombie42
I’ve been on a lot of different medications since 2014, I’m not sure if they ever really do anything aside from somewhat reduce suicidal thoughts/tendencies.
When I was changing my meds from Citalopram to Mirtazapine things were really hard and I started self-harming again during that transitional period.
Although I do not have a formal diagnosis, the psychologist I spoke to that referred me to this group therapy said they thought I likely had some degree of BPD. One of the reasons being that I always putting people before myself, even at the detriment to my own wellbeing. I struggle heavily with abandonment as well, forming strong bonds with people after short periods of time which results in a lot of pain for me when they stop talking with me. I seem to constantly self sabotage myself and the bonds with others, which partly explains why I’ve never been in a relationship.
I am very self aware of what’s wrong and keep trying to “fix” myself but continually fail and put myself down.
I used to walk down to a local cafe once or twice a week just to get out of the house but stopped doing that a couple months ago, no reason. I just stopped.
I also sometimes find it difficult to differentiate the difference between fiction and reality, I think this doesn’t help my situation as I keep thinking I’m more upper class than I really am. I need some sort of reality check because I struggle heavily with money and still sometimes think I’m a teenager in college.
There are always other meds that they could try.
I think that the group therapy is a good idea even though it scares you. You cannot predict exactly what will happen with this particular group of people. What has happened in the past does not determine the future.
I know that you are trying hard, but I am going to suggest a slightly different approach. I found that the best way to get out of my mental state was to focus less on controlling thoughts (which I was bad at) and more on doing stuff daily on a really tight schedule.
One of the reasons that you are struggling a little more right now is that you are no longer walking to that cafe. It is time to start again. Regular time outside every day (a park is good too) is proven to lessen mental illness. What other kinds of things do you do - music, art, puzzles, reading, etc. - to make things easier? @ConsiderateZombie42
The group scares me slightly less than having to drive in the car with my mum, I’m still trying my hardest to continue attending despite every fiber wanting to recluse.
I have lost a lot of interest in things and don’t find joy in a lot my old activities anymore.
I used to play a lot of puzzle games as a kid, Professor Layton and that sort of thing. I don’t anymore.
I struggle immensely with social interactions and get really upset when people I reach out to don’t respond, either because they’re busy or they don’t see my messages. For whatever reason I immediately catastrophize the situation and think the worst. I don’t know how to just relax and understand that I like me, they don’t respond instantly all the time.
I don’t go out much because I constantly worry about others and how they’ll react to me which I think is severely impacting my day to day life. I recently picked up “for whom the bell tolls” by Ernest Hemingway and have yet to start it.
The fact that you continue to try so hard despite wanting to be a recluse is awesome! That is actually how you begin to find a path forward - slowly trying new things. So go you - keep doing it.
Otherwise, consider doing stuff in very small chunks. It doesn't have to be a sudden transformation. Those rarely work anyway.
Three things to do for right now daily. 1) Do a short walk outside somewhere (15 minutes is fine). 2) You mentioned liking puzzles before. What kind? Jigsaw? Pick one kind and find an online version. For instance, I do one jigsaw a day through Jigsaw Explorer. It really helps my mental health. 3) Read Hemingway.
You can do this. Little steps not big ones. Just start a routine and be consistent. @ConsiderateZombie42