I have to hold on a little

So, I finally had the courage to talk about it to my guardian. And the answer is the same as before. You know I have also been suffering a lot because of you all. It's almost as if I was out of my control. Out of what? Out of my control. And I only beat you up in certain situations. Which I believe is true. But certain situations doesn't mean you can still beat me up with such things. Don't you think? And I will tell you more, but I've got to go or else I'm going to be bullied again.

I really didn't mean like that because, you see, I mean, my guardian says that it's because it's out of my, not one because it's out of my control, because I hate you only. Especially nowadays, or most of the time she will just take possession out of us. I have to look after you, your, I mean, grandparents, and me myself, and there are some uncertainties, and I feel so, so, so overwhelmed. It just said, you know, you need to understand that, and I can definitely feel that because I've seen her in those kind of states, and I've helped, I've tried, I've tried to be more understanding, I've tried to be a good person, I've tried to be an emotional support. I don't understand why she can't understand me. I told her so many times, she'll go to therapy, she'll go to therapy, and I also want to go to therapy myself. I keep on giving hints. What? Another thing is that I feel very left out and neglected, and this is from my parents because they used to rarely visit me, not that much. Even in childhood, I still remember. I guess the brain has not forgotten, like, you know, that kind of copiousness. Making it all foggy is that I still remember. I used to always wait eagerly when the day would come for them to visit me, and when the day would come so I can visit them again. And as time passed by, it became a bit hard for me to go and visit them, and maybe say I'm sorry to them, but I don't know. I feel very different. I guess this is what you call child neglect, but I don't know. They were still my biological parents, but not my real parents, not my real mother and father. It seems like they didn't care about me. I started having overthinking more than just the possibility. I would feel emotionally neglected because it seemed that no one could understand me. I would often feel invincible, like not there, even though I'm there.

And, to be genuinely honest with you, I will keep on repeating the same stories again and again until I heal. Until I heal, so that I would not have to repeat it again, and remember those memories.