I just want to get out of here

I hate this place, I hate my town, my school everything about it. The people sucks, I hate my extended family and their prejudice views. I hate the way they perceive me, I hate the fact that everyone knows who we are and judges our every move. It’s a small town, I run to someone I know every time I leave the house, I hate everyone and I do not want to see them.

My family differentiates from the rest, with horrible mental health issues running down genes and my younger brother being autistic. There’s nothing wrong with that but it always opens doors for people to judge and point our every action. We are rather more isolated from the rest of the family, town and community. We don’t mind, but people still analyze our every step. Doesn’t help the fact I’m a closest bisexual and everyone around me is homophobic and too old school.

i don’t have any friends at school, other kids are a little mean and don’t like the quiet bookworm types like me and a few others. I’m usually left out of every group activity, usually works and sits alone, walks alone in the halls and sits alone in the library during lunch breaks. It’s *** everyday, because I used to be rather popular the former year, but things change and conflicts happen. I was the one left behind and excluded, I was never happy in that group because it was more toxic than happy, but I’m terribly lonely during school hours. I loath school, it’s suffocating and going there feels like a war. Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad I breakdown for an hour in a bathroom stall sometimes resulting in panic attacks. Everything there feels like it’s chocking me, I feel trapped, I’m in ninth grade and my grades aren’t the best, not the worst but not the best.

the scholarships given here are rather low, barley a thousand a year, meaning I’d have to get at least 97% as average to earn a scholarship to a school abroad. My family isn’t rich we’re middle class at best, my college fees cannot be paid by my family, scholarships are my only option. With my depression getting worse I’m not sure if I can pull myself through in 2 years.

the kids at my school are definitely homophobic/transphobic as well. Always resulting in me that someone will find out that I’m bisexual and genderfluid, I’m closeted as I said I’m always in fear someone will figure out and bully or attack me for it. I live in fear and hiding everyday because of this.

life just seems like it’s going downhill it has been since 2021. I faced trauma that year from abuse and still deal with post traumatic stress disorder till this day which affects my daily life with daily nightmares about my past trauma, ex toxic friends and so much more. It’s a living ***.

i care too much about what people think of me resulting in low self esteem, I take insults from my classmates too personal and I hate everyone I hate every inch of my school campus and I hate every minute spent there. I’m becoming more suicidal so I’m finally getting a therapist soon.

however all I want is to get out of this dump, I hate everything and everyone