Taintedrose112 Member Profile

a very important and long question

General Support / by Taintedrose112

May 7th

...See more which of these experiences do you think has been the most pivotal in the teenage guy (O)’s life? girl 1 (N): the first love. age: 13-14 freshman year of high school, she was his first love and the first girl he truly felt something for. from teasing each other in class they both started liking each other. it was innocent, puppy love, the kind that makes you happy. he drove to her house once at night to say hello, he’d walk around with her at the school hallways, he loved her. she was the bubbly popular girl and he was the popular athlete it was a no brainer. she was soft and social and he was soft and affectionate when he was with her. despite her chubby body he found her beautiful. he broke up with her at the end of freshman year for his own reasons but did try to get back together with her later on. they remained good mutuals across high school..no problems no bad blood. she takes care of his younger brother and they both wish each other a happy birthday every year and remain supportive. he might have some lingering feelings towards her since she’s the only girl he dated that he actually loved and was affectionate towards. he’ll go back to her if he had the chance but is not actively going after her. he tried to a few times but let it go eventually, he was jealous of her boy best friend but still maintained a good friendship with him. in senior fun days he usually splashes her with a water gun, they laugh and giggle and chase each other. it’s warm and comfortable and happy. they’re true friends. he cares about her and her opinion of him, he might still love her…he definitely cares for her in a special manner contrast to everyone else and has genuine tenderness towards her and i don’t doubt he misses her. girl 2: (D): a small crush that started in the beginning of sophomore year, he found her attractive and pretty. they laughed and got along well. it ended in less than a month girl 3: (J): he met her in sophomore year, she was the bad girl, the sexy girl who has been around clubs, parties, raves and has had countless experiences with boys and men. she got him into smoking and brought him into the life of the party. it was a wild ride, a turbulent one filled with conflict, ecstasy, anger and excitement. did he love her? no. but it was fun and it was an adventure and she made him realise his true toxic masculine power. they used to skip class together, hangout after school, smoke and vape together and just be reckless he dumped her eventually as the year passed. girl 4: (Z) he also met her in sophomore year, she was the quiet, small, baby faced reader who always had her nose in a book. he started the year with her on the wrong foot, accusing her of staring at him. she stayed quiet and let it pass and after that he started for some reason being really nice to her. opening doors for her, leading her to classes that she didn’t know the directions of, he would get shy and extremely stutterish…barley being able to utter a complete sentence without stumbling and avoiding eye contact. he was too kind to her..so kind that people noticed he would open doors for her, quiet down if she told him to and would never dare to raise his voice at her like he did with anyone else. they’d smile at each other, blush. it was shy but filled with tension. they’d graze hands accidentally and get extremely nervous when passing each other but of course…people noticed. girls who liked this guy began spreading rumours about (Z) bad rumours that centred around her being “obsessed” with him and psychotic. it reached him eventually. he did nothing but their connection faded momentarily though still gentle he too began to find her weird or at least pretended to he began dating (S) the girl who spread the rumours which i’ll mention later. after that junior year began and he transferred schools. (Z) texted him and cleared her name and he broke up with (S) then and there. the following winter him and (Z) got close..he was very affectionate and soft he’d vent his heart out, he wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable. it was soft, gentle but extremely delicate. he was afraid of rumours, wary of what people may think. he said his i love yous to her and she said hers. she was the first to wish him a happy birthday and their bond was sacred and secret but filled with vulnerability. all good things again come to an end and she began to backtrack from flirting out of fear and he began to backtrack due to the fact he wasn’t sure what was going on. he left her. the following month he visited the school carnival and saw her; she had glowed up and grew her hair out. she was always pretty and youthful yes but she was a whole other level now: dressed in angel wings and white lace. he followed her around, kept her eye on her, walked around with another girl. he tried to text her a few days later and accused her of talking about him (she didn’t!) she explained herself and he softened but this time: she left. they didn’t speak again until senior year when he transferred back and willingly transferred to her homeroom and forced his friends to move there with him. first week back and they got into an emotional and loaded argument that ended without resolution. she was surrounded by guys who wanted her and was incredibly close to her guy best friend. (O) hated her guy best friend and began getting physically violent: shoving him, pushing him, insulting him. he would get really nervous around (Z) run away when he saw her out of nowhere, but get into her personal space without noticing. he started, she stared. from mocking her and making her life terrible to being soft sometimes it was loaded and unpredictable. no thought things quiet down, they’re not over. he tried to unblock her but was met with rejection, he knows how beautiful she is now but is determined to ruin her life yet still protects her. he looks at her when she shows her body in tight chiffon, he reacts to her. but sometimes he hides it really well. but every interaction with them no matter how small is very charged. he doesn’t shy away from longing stares, staring at her deeply and immensely when she’s with her guy best friend. he’ll splash her once on senior fun days to get her attention and she’ll splash him back. no giggles no aggressive just silence and loads of water gun loading. girl 5: (S): she was (Z)’s fake friend. he began dating her in the summer before junior year. it was very surface level and text-based. from teasing each other and laughing at school to arguing and fighting over text. it was toxic and momentarily. it passed very fast and had no love.. just boredom. they often talked about (Z) girl 6: (M): his childhood friend and neighbour. he’s known her his whole life. they’re not dating and never were but (M) clearly likes him. he uses her for test answers and cheats and flaunted her around at the carnival fair in front of (Z) they know each other well, their bond isn’t broken and won’t be broken. it’s stable, safe and surface level girl 7: (H): he started dating her during the beginning of senior year. she’s a year younger and very beautiful. she’s mature, sexy, has had experiences with guys. he didn’t mind touching her and being a little more intimate with her than anyone he’s ever been with. he walked with her in the halls, hung out with her during break but their bond lacked love and affection and basic respect. he didn’t respect her at all and treated her terribly. he ended up cheating on her with her cousin (Y) girl 8: (Y): he began dating her in the first semester of senior year. she’s in the same homeroom as him and (Z) she’s tall, athletic and has a big role in school celebrations and marketing. she’s not pretty by any means but she can grant him roles of spokesperson, main speakers, the social media spotlight and more. again there’s no love and he doesn’t respect her. she chases him and he lets her, he tells her to shut up and she does, they joke around and talk in class and laugh a lot. it’s safe and again fun but surface level. (Y) also hates (Z) and joins (O) in hating on her and ridiculing her.

senior year depression

Depression Support / by Taintedrose112

March 17th

...See more it’s senior year, i’m 10 weeks away from graduating and never going back to that place. and i’m more miserable than ever. Ever since i could remember, I had always been the shy kid in the back. too anxious…too scared…too inside my own head. My school is kindergarten all the way up till 12th grade and so i’ve been around the same people since i was very young. i’ve went through many friend groups…many and i’ve felt a certain “not belonging” and misery no matter where i was. i was always either bullied and picked on or left out or trapped in a corner. freshman year began and i lost all the friends i had due to a blowout i had with the popular kids. i was pushed into a corner the entire year. i didn’t talk to anybody, i spent most of my time reading in the library alone, i was friendless and everyone knew it. the year ended and things got better. i grew my hair out, i grew into my looks and i became pretty. i still got picked on occasionally but i made a few good friends here and there. they lasted till junior year and by the end of it we drifted apart for no real reason. senior year began and i was surrounded by male company, the guys wanted to joke and laugh with me and liked to call me on the phone..but the girls? not really. i’ve never spoken to them much but they gave me dirty looks, they laughed behind my back, they snickered and talked everytime i got a compliment or a bouquet on valentine’s day. and soon enough, they got me. the rumours got me. this girl (H) is now dating a guy i’ve had a long and messy history with one mixed with vulnerability, love, hate and drama. a 3 year long mess of all that. she hates me. she’s heard things. she laughs behind my back, talks ill about me to every girl, makes sure i’m excluded and alone in every class she’s in, she says horrible stuff about me. she turned a few friends against me..now im alone during the holidays and being excluded from birthday parties and gatherings. i have two close friends at school one hardly ever comes to school due to her own problems and the other is a guy who i dont wanna get too close to since rumours already unfurled. most of my good friends aren’t in the same school as me. im tired. i’m lonely. i’m miserable. i feel shunned out and hated for things i never did, for no good reasons. i’m exhausted. what have i done wrong?

feeling very disturbed

Depression Support / by Taintedrose112

March 7th

...See more Ever since my senior year started i've been receiving weird treatment from my male religion teacher. Some background info: he's a very well liked teacher, he loves to joke around and is pretty popular with both the students and staff. But things have been weird and i'll try to split this into points. Exhibit 1; He tends to give people nicknames which isn't a big deal my nickname is "Barbie" it started because he kept complimenting my looks and appearance. (I appear quite youthful and younger than my age and I love wearing feminine accessories like pink ribbons and bows) so it made sense. Exhibit #2: he loves to single me out amongst my girl classmates. "Barbie would beat you all in a beauty contest", "Barbie is the prettiest girl at this school", "There's no one more beautiful than Barbie" the girls in my class started to resent me for this despite my apologetic attempts. l've always treated them with kindness no matter the consequences and i've been getting mildly bullied lately (Verbal harassment and exclusion mostly) they call me names and spread rumours and heavily exclude me (it's not fun) Exhibit #3: sexualisation? he was talking about the dangers of having sex before marriage / maturity and said something like "One day Barbie will get engaged and we will marry her off to her husband. And she will do things with him that they'll both enjoy for very much" Yes he meant sex because he used the explicit term a second before. He picked me for the example and I know deep down he wouldn't have with any other girl. Why would he say that if he didn't think it? why couldn't he just generalise the lecture and speak in a general manner of a hypothetical married couple? he just planted an image for the entire class including the boys to think about. I feel exploited and disgusted. Explicit #4: He kissed me. I've been being bullied and treated terribly by my classmates throughout the year. After a particularly bad incident he found me crying. He kissed me on the forehead which shocked me because that's definitely against protocol. I didn't think much of it because it was during the very early days of the year and none of my former points happened yet. but now that i think about it?

girlhood is a prison.

Depression Support / by Taintedrose112

March 5th

...See more I exist in the space between being adored and being erased. My male teachers call me “Barbie” like i was born out of a plastic box like my only purpose is to be looked at and found pleasing They smile for too long and compliment me in a way that belittles the girls around me. I wake up, I do my hair the way I like it: ribbons and stars and bows and things that feel like me, like the parts of myself I'm still allowed to control, the femininity I long to keep, and I walk into a building where I am simultaneously invisible and the most visible person in the room. The girls don't speak to me but they speak about me. They've decided who I am without ever asking. Boy crazy. Obsessive. Weird. Too quiet but also somehow too much. I’m laughed at, humiliated and excluded. When i’m not in the room the most awful things are said about me. I’m neither liked nor even welcomed. The girlfriend of a boy I once knew the deepest parts of hates me with a ferocity I've never directed at anyone, and her friends hate me because she does, and the others hate me because hating me is easy, because it bonds them, because I'm a safe thing to sharpen their teeth on. The teachers call me Barbie and smile too long and I'm supposed to be grateful for the soft treatment but it only makes the walls higher. Outside, men shout things at me from cars, from sidewalks, from the edge of a senior sunrise that was supposed to be just a morning. Their eyes are heavy and I feel them on my skin hours later. The boy who once whispered I love you at 2am now slams doors in my face and hurts the people I love and acts like I'm the one who ruined something. The boys I've turned down turn cruel so fast it makes my head spin, like my rejection was an insult they need to punish me for. I wear pink because I like it, I wear my ribbons and angel wings because It makes me who I am, I put on my rose coloured lipstick because It makes me look pretty, I do my hair differently every week because I hate looking the same for too long, because it's soft, because somewhere along the way I decided I deserved at least one soft thing. But softness, I'm learning, is not protection. It's an invitation. It's a target. I am so tired of being looked at and never seen. I am so tired of being a symbol, a rumour, a fantasy, a villain literally anything but a girl who just wants to read her books and be left alone. I keep to myself because myself is the only company that hasn't hurt me yet. But even that gets lonely sometimes.

getting bullied at school

Depression Support / by Taintedrose112

February 20th

...See more hello for starters my name is River and i’m 16 and i’m in my senior year of high school. I had always been a quiet kid…in elementary school i was bullied for being boyish and a loner..for being quiet and sensitive and a “crybaby” i had short hair and looked like a boy. I was again bullied in freshman year for having a boy cut, for being dropped by my friend group of popular mean girls who tormented me and excluded me for an entire year. Now i’m a senior and i’m being faced with a completely different situation. I’ve grown up since freshman year. I grew my hair out, got skinnier “glowed up” as some people say. I began to dress more femininely (laces, skirts, bows, pinks and whites) you get the gist. I elevated from being the boyish, awkward and acne-faced girl to whatever i am now. I wouldn’t consider myself the prettiest girl in the school or any of that egotistical nonsense but I am conventionally pretty and i’ve become extremely self loving and confident. I embrace my style, and what sets me apart from my peers (I have a baby face like big brown eyes and heart shaped lips and a small nose and look younger than I am and i’m much smaller and slimmer in height and weight then what would be considered usual). My junior year was truly the best time in my life I got attention from guys, was surrounded by friends and company, I was coddled by teachers and favoured by them…I received special treatment and nicknames and felt desired. I still remained a quiet kid nonetheless. I was still shy, I was still stutterish. I was by no means popular nor loud even if I existed in a certain pedestal. Senior year began and I was placed in a homeroom of 8 girls and 20-something boys. I began to realise as the year went on that I was very much disliked by the girls in my homeroom. exhibit #1: A girl whom i’ll call Hailey. She’s dating a guy in our class named Oliver who i’ve had a 3 year long situation with (we started off as your average puppy love which turned into a toxic rollercoaster of stalking, manipulation and bullying) I had a falling out with Oliver in the beginning of senior year and he made that very obvious to everyone. He started pushing and shoving my guy best friend around, slamming doors in my face, monitoring my whereabouts and attempting to humiliate me. I’m assuming he told Hailey about me…because she too has been insulting me, humiliating me, monitoring me, making everyone laugh at me and most prominently…turning all the girls in our class against me. exhibit #2: Hailey has a best friend named Natalie who by default also despises me. She’s much more vocal with her insults. Natalie is known as a class clown…she has always been boyish so her role has always been settled as the “funny girl who’s one of the guys” it’s important to note that my guy best friend whom i’ll call Alex has been friends with Natalie since childhood and I suppose that’s one of the reasons she dislikes me. (Alex had romantic feelings for me and now considers me his best friend due to Natalie’s rude and abusive behaviour towards me and her constant teasing of Alex such as calling me his girlfriend etc etc) she loves Alex…but she hates me and makes the vocal harassment very clear. exhibit #3: I’ll call this girl Willow. Willow had always disliked me for a reason I can never be sure of. She frequently called me boy crazy, a s*ut, a wh*re for due to the fact that a lot of guys publicly and visibly flirted with me (mind you i’ve only actually been in one relationship…i’m an extremely shy person with high social anxiety) she has always made passive aggressive comments towards me especially about my weight (im underweight which and i’m trying to gain some weight! and she leans on the curvier side is it okay to say chubbier? english isn’t my first language so im unsure what terminology would be inappropriate but in no way do i mean this in a demeaning way because i don’t view someone being chubby as ugly that’s just an insecurity she’s very vocal about). she also doesn’t hide her hatred towards me she often joins Natalie and Hailey when they’re teasing me, laughs with them, gives me dirty looks and incredibly resents me. Exhibit #4: this one hurts the most. I have a cousin named Mary who i’ve always been close with…she’s been like a sister to me all these years despite these ups and downs. Despite her claiming she cares for me, hugs me and tells me she loves me she has also been joining Natalie, Hailey and Willow and their campaign against me…tho more subtly. She doesn’t say anything but she laughs with them, hangs out with them and ignores me in social setting. It’s become unbearable because there’s truly no action I have committed that would grant me such treatment…I have nothing to take accountability for and nothing to apologise for because I have never conversed with these girls before to have offended them…i’m now afraid of going to school because I know some sort of verbal harassment is going to follow me around. I sit quietly in class if my only two friends aren’t present…I fear catching any attention by joining social groups or being given big gestures like during Valentine’s Day where I was the only girl who was publicly given two large bouquets at school (The harassment elevated after that). If i’m not present in class the bullying is more vocal…they’ll say the worst things about me, laugh and attempt to make everyone laugh. Oliver too will laugh. Alex would get so disturbed he’d walk out. I’ve tried to ignore it and keep my distance but it only gets worse…i’ve kept quiet and refrained from fighting back and that itself made the bullying more explicit. They’ll joke about how i would rather cry or crap my pants then ever face them and in a way they’re right. I don’t know what to do…there’s 14 weeks left of senior year before graduation and I have no clue what i’m in for.

getting bullied and struggling

Depression Support / by Taintedrose112

February 20th

...See more hello for starters my name is River and i’m 16 and i’m in my senior year of high school. I had always been a quiet kid…in elementary school i was bullied for being boyish and a loner..for being quiet and sensitive and a “crybaby” i had short hair and looked like a boy. I was again bullied in freshman year for having a boy cut, for being dropped by my friend group of popular mean girls who tormented me and excluded me for an entire year. Now i’m a senior and i’m being faced with a completely different situation. I’ve grown up since freshman year. I grew my hair out, got skinnier “glowed up” as some people say. I began to dress more femininely (laces, skirts, bows, pinks and whites) you get the gist. I elevated from being the boyish, awkward and acne-faced girl to whatever i am now. I wouldn’t consider myself the prettiest girl in the school or any of that egotistical nonsense but I am conventionally pretty and i’ve become extremely self loving and confident. I embrace my style, and what sets me apart from my peers (I have a baby face like big brown eyes and heart shaped lips and a small nose and look younger than I am and i’m much smaller and slimmer in height and weight then what would be considered usual). My junior year was truly the best time in my life I got attention from guys, was surrounded by friends and company, I was coddled by teachers and favoured by them…I received special treatment and nicknames and felt desired. I still remained a quiet kid nonetheless. I was still shy, I was still stutterish. I was by no means popular nor loud even if I existed in a certain pedestal. Senior year began and I was placed in a homeroom of 8 girls and 20-something boys. I began to realise as the year went on that I was very much disliked by the girls in my homeroom. exhibit #1: A girl whom i’ll call Hailey. She’s dating a guy in our class named Oliver who i’ve had a 3 year long situation with (we started off as your average puppy love which turned into a toxic rollercoaster of stalking, manipulation and bullying) I had a falling out with Oliver in the beginning of senior year and he made that very obvious to everyone. He started pushing and shoving my guy best friend around, slamming doors in my face, monitoring my whereabouts and attempting to humiliate me. I’m assuming he told Hailey about me…because she too has been insulting me, humiliating me, monitoring me, making everyone laugh at me and most prominently…turning all the girls in our class against me. exhibit #2: Hailey has a best friend named Natalie who by default also despises me. She’s much more vocal with her insults. Natalie is known as a class clown…she has always been boyish so her role has always been settled as the “funny girl who’s one of the guys” it’s important to note that my guy best friend whom i’ll call Alex has been friends with Natalie since childhood and I suppose that’s one of the reasons she dislikes me. (Alex had romantic feelings for me and now considers me his best friend due to Natalie’s rude and abusive behaviour towards me and her constant teasing of Alex such as calling me his girlfriend etc etc) she loves Alex…but she hates me and makes the vocal harassment very clear. exhibit #3: I’ll call this girl Willow. Willow had always disliked me for a reason I can never be sure of. She frequently called me boy crazy, a s*ut, a wh*re for due to the fact that a lot of guys publicly and visibly flirted with me (mind you i’ve only actually been in one relationship…i’m an extremely shy person with high social anxiety) she has always made passive aggressive comments towards me especially about my weight (im underweight which and i’m trying to gain some weight! and she leans on the curvier side is it okay to say chubbier? english isn’t my first language so im unsure what terminology would be inappropriate but in no way do i mean this in a demeaning way because i don’t view someone being chubby as ugly that’s just an insecurity she’s very vocal about). she also doesn’t hide her hatred towards me she often joins Natalie and Hailey when they’re teasing me, laughs with them, gives me dirty looks and incredibly resents me. Exhibit #4: this one hurts the most. I have a cousin named Mary who i’ve always been close with…she’s been like a sister to me all these years despite these ups and downs. Despite her claiming she cares for me, hugs me and tells me she loves me she has also been joining Natalie, Hailey and Willow and their campaign against me…tho more subtly. She doesn’t say anything but she laughs with them, hangs out with them and ignores me in social setting. It’s become unbearable because there’s truly no action I have committed that would grant me such treatment…I have nothing to take accountability for and nothing to apologise for because I have never conversed with these girls before to have offended them…i’m now afraid of going to school because I know some sort of verbal harassment is going to follow me around. I sit quietly in class if my only two friends aren’t present…I fear catching any attention by joining social groups or being given big gestures like during Valentine’s Day where I was the only girl who was publicly given two large bouquets at school (The harassment elevated after that). If i’m not present in class the bullying is more vocal…they’ll say the worst things about me, laugh and attempt to make everyone laugh. Oliver too will laugh. Alex would get so disturbed he’d walk out. I’ve tried to ignore it and keep my distance but it only gets worse…i’ve kept quiet and refrained from fighting back and that itself made the bullying more explicit. They’ll joke about how i would rather cry or crap my pants then ever face them and in a way they’re right. I don’t know what to do…there’s 14 weeks left of senior year before graduation and I have no clue what i’m in for.

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