I know - Please don't remind me !!

Over the past few days, I have experienced so much—the feelings of being in a relationship with a guy followed by disgust and anger after understanding his mindset. I've been dealing with insomnia, maybe panic attacks, anxiety attacks, oversleeping, and surviving on just one meal a day or only black coffee. I've engaged in self-harm, cutting, biting, crying all day in my room, locking myself away for days, and finally sharing everything with my brother.

He says he believes in me. He and everyone else know that I can do it and that I will achieve everything I am capable of, but I can't. I don't doubt whether I will make it or not; I truly believe I can't, and I don't even know what I am feeling anymore.

There are thousands of thoughts rushing through my mind, and they don't even sound like my own voice. It feels as if someone else is constantly telling me that I am the worst, that I can't do anything, that I am weak, stupid, unwanted, and that I don't deserve to be happy or loved. The thoughts can get extremely dark and overwhelming, and I just respond with, "I know, I know, please don't remind me. I know this, you don't have to tell me again." I keep apologizing to myself and asking the thoughts to stop.

He tells me not to think about it and just do my best.

My best??

I am not even able to complete my daily lectures, and I just waste my time and then feel overwhelming guilt. It's not that I don't want to study—I do—but I just can't focus and can't complete my tasks. Everything takes me so much longer than it actually should, and it frustrates and overwhelms me so much!!

I know I am supposed to be doing things, and I genuinely want to. That's what makes this even more frustrating. I can see everything I need to do, I know what I want for myself, and yet somehow I just can't make myself function normally right now.