I live in abstraction ( you need to be a little insane to read this)

   Often times the things you don't think about come out way better than if you asked yourself to come up with an idea. And often the opposite happens, don't ask me what opposite. You see, the problem with life is that it's too contradictory. And when you dive into these contradictions too much, you end up in existential crisis, or even depression, all these things. And maybe the road to becoming what people call crazy isn't too far away. Because when you think about it, people with disabilities as we call, trauma, all, only really end up okay because they had help. And those who turned insane, well they become that way because they didn't. 

I'm really proud of my title, why? Because I don't have a why. Insane is what I feel, but I also say I feel like a ghost, and now a new way I put is I live in abstraction. Abstraction, as in art I heard the professor say, is 

 Something that isn't real.

   For me, it always was, something you can't explain. Well, my life could be explained, but at a deeper core, you couldn't feel like me right now no matter how much it would have been explained. When I say my brain isn't working, which is the truth, I end up being reassured, told it's okay, or that if I can talk I'm okay. But they don't realize I'm not talking. I don't know what is talking. And if you thought i'm insane, I would find it more honest than if you said I'm normal. Cause on the outside I am part of the picture. But people don't recognise me. Their bodies don't. Maybe their brains do. But since I live in emptiness, I don't feel empty, that's the distinction, the only people who can notice me; won't notice me. They will not notice ME. But my emptiness, why, because they feel it.

 And my explanation cannot satisfy people. Why? Because I can't apply to logic. Neither can I to emotions. But to something that isn't real, abstraction. And I don't think anybody can get it. I don't know anyone who gets it. Nor do I know if I could receive that acceptation from them now. And what is now? It's so theorical, in me, because I live in abstraction and time isn't part of me. My brain isn't functionning the way it would. And picking words is hard,  because they all feel untrue, and not untrue, but not describtive. Just. I think if I could think logically I would say I'm in search for stimulation. And it's not filled. The other time that woman who says she's a psychologist, at school, asked me one thing that stayed in what's left of my mind:

" Do you REALLY want to feel better?"

 So on the outside it feels like the most stupid and judgmental question. And it's what I thought in the moment, and I still think she's stupid for saying it because I don't think she thought of the second layer at all, and if you knew her you would say the same. My body didn't want to see her, but my brain did. And in that moment my brain understood. But also, there's a deeper truth, after the fact that yes, every depressed person whishes she wasn't, then you have that contradictory thing

   When you "accept" you're depressed, aka when you understand that your depression well, makes sense, you understand that the world wants you to stop being depressed and just continue be the way it was. Sometimes, you do stop being depressed, I did, but then, sometimes, you end up falling into something that doesn't feel like depression. It feels like being ghosted by the world. And it's almost poetic. The problem is when , paradoxically, like me, you still want to be noticed. You still have hope, you still try hard. That's when the dissonnance comes. People think depressed people just don't try hard enough. But no. They tried too much. That's the problem. But the other problem, (ANOTHER contradiction, proof life is just about contradictions) , is that we can't stop trying, because it's even harder. It's not about philosophy. It's about being a ghost. They say people who are different are special, but what if they're just ghosts nobody notices because maybe not fitting in can be fitting so much you end up lost in the background. You don't fit in with the special people, the different ones, and being basic is almost a difference. What are the words "different" and "basic"? Yes, I lost my mind. Not because I write this but also because I write this. I want to be seen. I want to be different, special. I'm not. I'm like all humans. Perhaps that's actually being different, to recognize you're not. Not to be humble. I don't care. Perhaps not knowing means knowing, means intelligence. Perhaps accepting to not know is greater than thing you do. I don't see myself as intelligent, smart even less. Intelligence also means informations. So does that mean have informations make you intelligent? I don't have a lot of informations. But I can think well, that's for sure. So if you say being intelligent means you can think well, I would say I'm that. And when I read those words I imagined an old guy, and I'm obviously not. But sometimes when I'm depressed I do like talking this way. 

  I don't really know who I am at all. Mature, or childish, creative, into logic or emotions, psychology or peotry, concrete things or abstract ones, imagination or realistic things. Could I be all? I only know that I like asking questions, so I am curious, but also I would describe myself, on my recent experiences in this place, that I hate school.  Is school made for people who don't want to know? So maybe the problem with therapy, is it's not abstract. That's why having a person who gets you, is better than a therapist. I don't want to teach people things, or heal them, I want to help people get out of child abuse. And I want to write. But I want to live more than anything. And I'd give up any "gifts" I have for this amazing thing that is life when you're yourself. I don't wanna be a ghost in the stratosphere, a girl stuck because she stayed so much in the past she wanted to go to the future, and then couldn't stay in the present, because all she could be at was one of the extremes. 

  I'm not old, or a guy. I feel like when I talk people only get one thing out of me and leave the rest aside. The logical. Or not so much... Only logical as we see it. Just information. Maybe what we see as logic isn't so much. Maybe when you put logic as a religion and you don't question it, the thing you call logical ends up being a universal thing but maybe it isn't.

  My problem if I summarized all I wrote, is I questionned authority, and nobody else did, or does, so I'm lost. I don't even want to meditate anymore, or think everything is alright, but it isn't. If it was just some other people's lifes, if for me bullying, emotionnal abuse, were just things that happen to other people, it wouldn't impact me this way. But now I can't just get over it because it's still my reality and I don't wanna gaslight myself anymore. 

NB: Didn't know what to put this into, so I put it into depression. But if 7CUPS was to create a community called " Existential crisis" this would fit into it for sure. 

Not being too abstract for my own sake, 

reasonably a person