I'm afraid of myself

Hi there, I'm Nicole

if you need to respond me just know you can call me by my name.

What you are going to read now is what has been going on for months in my mind, the weirdest thoughts I get that are hurting myself a lot.

...

I always tried to get along with people, I tried to socialize more, but there's always something that is stopping me from talking to other people who are my age or aren't.

I'm almost 17 and I don't have many friends, although I believe that we must look for happiness in ourselves and not in other people, but I would like to be at least able to talk to people without feeling this "locked door" inside me that keeps me away from talking to them.

And it gets worst when bad stuff happen and you have to defend yourself.

I just can't talk.

You know when you're arguing with somebody, or somebody just comes up to you and asks you something and you have to excuse yourself with something? It doesn't come up easily to me: I can't talk to people (or excuse myself) without tripping over my words or making up a lie on the moment because you just wish they go away, because talking to people gives you anxiety.

Though it's not always like this.

But when it comes to anger and you have to let out the anger in front of people, and you wish you could tell them face to face what you really mean, you just can't...

You can't and this fact corrodes you inside so much that you get homicidal or incredibly violent thoughts in which you imagine yourself beating to death that person to whom you had to respond.

Sometimes it happens at home too.

I'm an only child, I live with both my parents and a dog.

My father is a cheater and hates my mother.

My mother hates him for being a liar, a sinner and cheater.

They have been arguing and actually fighting a lot, mostly in the last 3 years because of our recent problems.

And I am always the doctor who takes care of my mother when she is short of air or starts feeling extremely badly after arguing very hard with him.

I am always the lawyer who tries to defend her over him.

I am always the crazy boxer who is punching him because I can't help it anymore.

I don't have control on my anger anymore. When I don't want to I get horrible thoughts of me revenging of who hurt me emotionally. Like I see myself pushing them really badly, or doing something else crazy.

One day I had to study for a test and I really really worked really hard on it and ended up with a very bad grade.

I came home crying and I also told my teacher if I could take the test again because it didn't go as planned because I couldn't study properly on one hand because of my family problems.

She didn't listen to me.

I was mad.

I was thinking of planning a revenge.

I thought I'd give fire to her red Fiat car.

I thought I'd follow her until her house and give it fire while she sleeps.

Same thing happened after I ended up with a friendship that lasted around 8 years.

My old friend was a fake friend because she used to hang out with our group of friends which I was in it, and never called me to hang out with them.

Never.

It happened once. It happened twice. I had forgiven her too many times. Then I suddenly became extremely cold towards her until I stopped talking to her.

Did I have thoughts about her too?

Yes I did. As soon as the friendship ended, I thought that if she was getting any closer to me I'd punch her face until she started bleeding. Or I thought of actually getting a gun and start threaten her and anyone who bothered me.

I thought of killing her during her sleep by giving fire to her house as well since we both live in the same town.

Just a few kilometres away from were I live.

People don't really know what could happen if I get extremely angry, and that's what I fear too because I don't want to explode (and I mean it because it happens at home and I really start yelling and it's almost a scream that comes out from my mouth and I become extremely violent, so violent that I'm afraid of losing control and actually hurt somebody or even accidentally kill them... This frightens me.)

If I do what I would like to do to some people who hurt me or threatened me, I think I would end up in jail. I don't want that.

But at the same time I want revenge.

I don't want to be a killer though.

But I still want revenge.

This is what scares me.

I scare myself.

I'm afraid of myself.

Because I don't know what I might do.

I'm sorry I know this sounds like a dramatic thriller book. I hope you can help me somehow.

Thanks for the attention. ♡