I’m back. Again.
The last time I was on here was June 8th. A lot has happened since then, including my 16th birthday which went well, and my beautiful new nephew being born only a few days after my birthday. It’s mostly been good things happening. But obviously, every up has its down.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk today. My mom just got a new job, so I’m home alone taking care of school and the dog. I feel really lonely without my mom here. I miss randomly coming out of my room and hanging out with her for a bit. I haven’t had to be alone for a few months because she wasn’t working, and I got used to having her around. Now the house feels too empty.
I’m struggling to find something to do. My usual routine doesn’t seem interesting to me anymore. I don’t feel like reading my usual stories, or playing my favorite games. I plan on doing some baking later, but I’m not really feeling motivated to do it. My sleep schedule has been messed up lately, I have trouble falling asleep at night then I wake up way too late if someone doesn’t wake me up. I feel exhausted and my morning coffee was messed up, so I had to wake up at 5am without any coffee.
I’m feeling stressed out by school too. Every day this week, I have to get on a call with each of my teachers and be asked a ton of questions. Problem is, I can’t learn anything. I can’t memorize anything, I can barely do simple math. I cheat in all my classes(except Spanish) to get good grades, and whenever my parents say they’re proud of me for straight As all I feel is guilt. The one thing I’ve accomplished isn’t something I’ve earned, and I don’t want to disappoint them by admitting to it. No matter what I do, I just can’t learn. Not math, not science, not history, not English.
I feel like trash, to be honest. I can’t even do the simplest thing. I’m scared for the future, because I know that the truth will come out. That I can’t be the person that everyone wants me to be.
@AbigailMadden
My Mom used to ask me, If all careers paid the same, what might you try? I had things I wanted to try, but I was told they were careers that most people fail doing, and there wasn't many people who could make a living doing that etc. So instead I studied really hard at one of those prestigious careers that school can prepare you for. Then have a career I didn't like. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and my health was going downhill, not much energy for friendships, so I finally quit and tried something I was naturally good at even though almost nobody succeeded doing it. But because I loved it, I did great. Finally I did something great. So maybe you're not learning in school all that quickly because you weren't made for the kinds of careers that school can prepare you for. I challenge you to write down on a piece of paper anything that you like doing just a little bit, and work a little bit on those things, and watch yourself grow into a life that you love, because you are unique and talented like that. I'm going to pray for you to find unexpected company in your life, new unexpected connections. Your Mom misses you too, she was so lucky to have extra time with her daughter. Genuine prayers right now.