Im losing my mind again

My conscience has been send straight to *** and I’m breakdown everyday. I had to take a mental vacation from work in grateful they didn’t fire me. I just want to change i don’t want to stay in this *** state of mind i skipped 2 days of showering and that’s the first time i did that in a long time. My last day at work I left early cuz of a social anxiety induced panic attack that a nasty customer triggered and after that I couldn’t function right anymore it’s one thing after the other. I’m always overthinking, doubting myself, uncomfortable in public spaces, uncomfortable living in this house that’s owned by deeply narcissistic man that is my step dad. I’m not even safe alone because then i’m stuck with my thoughts and that’s truely terrifying. Living out of my purpose is *** and I don’t see a way to get to a heavenly peaceful state. I’m trying meditation but it’s so extremely frustrating sometimes. I want to connect with my ancestors and the practices they did not was not rooted in colonialism which is obeah and i can’t find literally any information on it. Everybody else gets these books to learn about their spirituality and i’m just fcked without any direction on how to do ancestral work or anything basic. I just want to face my shadows and free myself but it’s like all the information is being locked away from me, i feel that way meditating to, i don’t feel anything connection to anything, to myself, to god, to nature, to everything. And majority of people lack basic empathy and it’s SCARY and CONCERNING! This is *** on earth