I’m really lonely

I’m a sophomore in high school, I haven’t had any friends except for my one best friend since middle school. My last friend group left me after a huge argument broke out, and that automatically altered the rest of my friendships since my town is small. Things have gotten better since then, I don’t have a running bad blood with anyone but I was never able to bounce back.

ive made a few acquaintances here and there but it just hasn’t really been enough, i feel so lonely every single day. At school I’m isolated and detached, I rarely talk and when I do I feel left out. I got into a trio and unsurprisingly I didn’t really click with them either.

i don’t know, I genuinely feel like there’s something wrong with me, that I’m unlovable and impossible to tolerate and like. I don’t think I’m worth enough to live, I feel like I’m wasting away and that I’m only really here to observe. I feel detached from the world around me, I feel as if I’ve already watched my entire life play out and I’m just a spectator.

my old friend group abused me pretty badly, yes, abused, my therapist confirmed this. Its been hard for me to feel connected to anyone besides my best friend, therefor im usually stuck at home on the weekends if I don’t have her to hangout with. We both love each other a lot and I’d never replace her for anyone, trust me when I say she’s my whole world and I am hers. However I feel so lonely at school, I usually sit alone in class and break hours, I’m usually the butt of the joke or never involved in conversations. I’ve had bad experiences with people who have tried to get close, the worst one by literally getting harassed by a certain someone I met while sitting alone.

everyday I wake up and I feel like my life is just worthless, I fear that I am unlovable and will never truly find a place where I can belong. I feel sick at school everyday, I feel sick looking at everyone’s face, I feel sick knowing that my abusers are walking around happily and living the teenage dream.

im tired. I’m tired of wasting my teenage years and living in a hole, I’m so tired. I’m considered pretty by social standards, I have people coming up and complimenting me everyday for my looks, but I can never truly be myself with anyone at school, I feel like I’m playing a part of someone I can’t recognise. I spend most of my time people watching. I’m seriously tired