I'm so lonely and desperate for intimacy
It's always been an enigma to me and yet I seem to be a decently desired person in the eyes of women (and men but I don't swing that way). I've never had any kind of romantic experience in my life. Not one bit. I've been hooked on porn as a crutch since I was 14 when my toxic "friend" introduced me to it or else I was a "***" and I hate how attached I am to it and what my viewing of it can mean for others...Is it even worth having romance when most people I've seen don't stay together? How am I supposed to be able to handle it when I just feel so broken? I'm 30 years old and have been wrecked by emotional neglect and abuse at the hands of those I'm supposed to trust and I tried putting myself out there and that didn't work even once in any sort of way. I tried focusing on my own happiness and contentment and healing which has changed me for the better but I still suffer from this horribly haunting desire that is never satisfied. I have social anxiety and trauma that therapy and medication has alleviated somewhat at least. I'm working on new hobbies like playing the violin and acting. I'm learning how to discipline myself and treat myself better instead of self loathing and staying in my comfort zone all the time. I ebb and flow all the time between "what's the point? I'll probably just keep getting hurt and will ruin my life and maybe there's too" and "I am good enough for anyone to love me because God made me. I'm sure I'll find someone eventually." Do I even want it after everything I've learned about true love and commitment? If not then what the heck am I supposed to do with my sexual desires?! I don't want to just have sex with whoever (okay maybe sometimes that's not entirely true. I just don't want to sin despite doing it all the time with porn like a hypocrite.)
I feel like I've been single for too long. I'm afraid it'll be too much to handle or I am just numb from a whole lifetime of heartbreak and disappointment. Any encouragement to offer me? I'm a 30yr old man. I am not financially the healthiest but I'm trying. I don't have a car but I have a decent job I enjoy most of the time and I pay rent and take care of the home responsibly.
Is it worth it? Should I just give up? I'm so used to this... lots of trauma for sure but at least I'm starting to heal.
I forgot to mention that I feel like I am all looks and no personality but that isn't entirely true. I am kind, gentle, funny sometimes, caring, thoughtful, creative and incredibly resilient
I forgot to mention that I feel like I am all looks and no personality but that isn't entirely true. I am kind, gentle, funny sometimes, caring, thoughtful, creative and incredibly resilient
Alright fine don't answer. Guess I don't need help then. Or it's just too complicated to deal with. Oh well.
@RedGiraffe44
You’re not broken, you’re battle-worn. Porn became a crutch because you were surviving, not failing. Romance can be worth it, but only when you’re ready, not desperate.
Keep healing, building yourself, and honoring your desires without shame. Desire isn’t bad; it just needs direction. You’re 30, but your heart isn’t too late; every step you take toward self-respect and growth is already a win. Don’t give up.
You're honest, kind, and compassionate. From your writing, you do have personality. From your profile picture, it shows you are kind. And from what you say, women notice you. That means you are the whole package for a person who deserves and appreciates you. There aren't too many gems like you out there, believe me. You are still so young and at the risk of sounding cliche, you seem to be the kind of person that this world needs more of right now.
Wow. That's a confidence boost. Thank you. Although right now I have greater concerns on my heart, I will remember this. Your words mean so much to me. Thanks for building me up in a world that just wants to tear me down. Thank you to everyone who answered actually
