In a loop

I’m not sure how to feel or who I am anymore. I don’t know if anyone relates to this but for over 3 years I’ve been silently struggling with my depression. I always brushed it under the rug with loose terms and pushed my emotions down because I was “too sensitive,” as told by my parents. Now that I’m 16, it’s only gotten worse. Late attendances, Unsteadiness, and even harmful thoughts.

I often feel society pushes a narrative that being depressed would equal a huge exaggeration of dark eyeliner (not that I don’t love the look!) but for me personally I feel I found myself putting on a face. So much so that moments in my life like now when my facade cracks, I feel stuck. Anxiety fills me to the brim. And again with time it’s only gotten worse.

But I wanna stop it, as embarrassed as I am to admit, my final break was when I locked myself in my room one night and contacted my countries hotline. I’d never felt so heavy, spending most my days isolated and paranoid. My lower eyelids even became a constant warn with how many times I’ve cried, which is fascinating to be because I feel tears are always seen as cold (not to nerd out).

Anyway, my point isn’t to be pitiful, but call for help. Does anyone have any tips, gone through something similar, or know how to manage/cope while in school?