Ina very dark and lonely space right now
Recently, I overheard someone's conversation, and was genuinely shocked at the things I heard. They didn't like sleeping late and would feel horrible if they got up at 12 pm. The thought of someone thinking waking up at 12 is bad is just crazy to me when I have recently been having more days than less where I can't even bother to get myself out of bed until 6 pm. I have never felt like such an alienated, weird, otherworldly being who is completely out of their minds for being able to stay in bed and sleep for so long. I hate being this way. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. You will never know all the times I've wanted to change, to do things that are good for myself, but then never ever being able to change. Or starting to change but ultimately the change barely lasting. The searing pain I feel every day when I get up and realize I've once again failed at just waking up at a decent early hour like everyone else. I feel so disgusted by myself. And I don't even have a close support system who I can talk to about all these things. It's like absolutely no one knows what's going on inside my head, and while I'm usually okay with that, it's beginning to get very very difficult not having that assistance in a time where I need more support than I've ever needed before. To not have anyone understand me when all I want is to be understood, to just feel seen by someone. I ended up isolating myself for too long and too much and now I'm desperately craving a community, a group of people I can call home. A group of people I can be with and feel completely free, completely comfortable, completely open. I feel like a baby who has never been given warmth from their parents. I'm in desperate need of some kind of affection. I've spent so much time thinking I'm worthless but I just don't even care anymore, I just want to stop being lonely and have just some people who I feel cared by and loved by. I've spent so much time just going at life all alone, mostly because of my anxiety, my social anxiety, my depressive episodes. But I just can't stand it anymore, I just can't accept continuing my life without having a sense of community. And when I do think of putting myself out there, the thing is I just don't know how to. Like I said, I've spent a longgg time isolated and now I really don't know how to interact or how communication between people you meet for the first time should go. In the few opportunities I've had, I feel like I completely mess it up, because I don't understand how to connect or just "be normal." It's like I just don't even know how a conversation is supposed to work anymore, and it makes me feel so stupid for not knowing something so basic and natural. It makes me feel like there's so much that's messed up about me and makes it all that much harder to put myself out there. Also, another thing I had overheard someone around me saying was how they're always getting invites and are just so tired of being invited so often to so many things. I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped off and stomped on hearing someone say that. How can someone feel wanted too MUCH? ...As somone who has been so deeply lonely for a while, it was so upsetting to hear someone feel that way. Like then there's me, who gets close to 0 invites usually, or I'll be the one to make plans because the small circle that I do have just isn't real to me anymore. They were built on a superficial premise and as more time has passed, the more I realize I just don't even feel understood by them, I feel like we're all just different in ways that friends shouldn't be, and nothing fundamental connects me to them, the only things that do are very immature things like gossip or drama, but I'm sick of it. They don't even seem excited when we do get together and I try to make it somewhat fun, but it just feels so forced sometimes. If anything I just feel more drained when I'm around these people. So I don't know, it just really sucks to see all these groups in public of people who talk and share such meaningful moments with one another, it makes me feel like I'll never be able to have a special bond like that.
U r in my head! I've felt like that for so long- hating where you're at but too paralyzed to move forward or ask for help, and then it's so long in isolation that you don't feel you can function around others, or they're all judging you. You experience depression, then beat yourself up for not being able to get better. Cancer patients don't beat themselves up because their cells won't just heal on their own, but we expect it if our brains. We need to be more forgiving of ourselves. Be gentle to yourself, and it will create a safe space for you to step out. I totally feel you and am soooooo grateful that I'm not alone either. There must be so many in our shoes, but mental health is still in the closet. Hang in there and tell yourself it's OK if you don't change in your timeline. It'll happen.
Holy crap you just said out the words and thoughts in my head. I resonate with every single thing you just said! From waking up late to feeling disgusted about myself because of doing things that human beings usually wouldn’t do like sleeping till 6 or 7 and just wanting someone to understand what goes on in your head and understanding every single part of you. Isolating myself for too long until I am too lonely and unseen. Wanting a family or a community. Having people that understands me so well. Wanting one friend that just knows me so well and understands me but unable to make friendships because I’ve been isolated for so long to the point I can’t maintain a conversation well. Having friends but I can never vibe with them because they talk about gossip and drama but I don’t care for any of that.
My whole life I’ve always wondered if people understood what goes on in my mind. Trying to find someone that feels EXACTLY how I feel. Well, apparently I found one and that’s you. Anyways, sorry I wasn’t of much help I was just a little happy I found someone that understood me and maybe we could have a chat and try understanding each other? Completely okay if you don’t have the mood to do so but you seem like an awesome person to talk to. And maybe we could help each other!
@lokilaufeyson123 Hey, thanks so much for your reply! I'm so sorry I couldn't see it until now. I feel so grateful that someone out there understands what I mean. To know we're struggling and suffering in the same way, even if we've been feeling all alone. If you see this, come back to this thread whenever you want and write to me. I'd love to hear more of your thoughts! :)