I need a lighthouse

I got sleep last night for the first time in a long time. It was filled with nightmares and stress responses, but sleep nonetheless and I'm grateful. I ate for the first time in a while yesterday, just an egg and some mushrooms. I was filled with guilt, and self hatred after, but I ate and I'm grateful. 

Today I'm trying to get my head on straight. Something I've been trying to do everyday since this all started. I woke up with a panic attack this morning and cried for a while, but it's only 9:00 am and I have the day ahead of me which is something I am grateful for - something I've fought for. 

I've been losing control of myself and the fight to regain control has been exhausting. It's like my mind is being pulled in so many different directions, all competing for ownership of my thoughts and actions, and I can't get a grip on it. I've always been an introspective person, which usually helps me navigate life, but right now I feel like it's just made the volume all the louder, and colors all the more intense. I can see everything happening, but I can't seem to stop it. I can't trust my mind to have my best interest, and I can't seem to make out what thoughts are true and which aren't and how to move forward. I can see the ways I'm falling apart as it's happening, and I'm using all the tools I have to catch the pieces as they fall – but I keep dropping them and stumbling and making a mess of it and the effort feels hopeless. 

Fighting yourself is exhausting. I wish I could just shut it all off and be normal again, but I know that's not how this works. I know my brain needs time to stabilize and I'm doing my best to give it that time, but I'm afraid I'm losing myself in the process. The beacons of hopes and dreams that normally keep me afloat feel so distant and dim right now and I feel like I'm swimming aimlessly in the dark, barely keeping my head above water, growing more exhausted at every wrong turn. 

But I'm still swimming, I'm still fighting, and even though the light is dim I will chase it with every ounce of energy I have. I will rage against this as long as that part of myself is still here. As long as I'm still me, I will do whatever it takes. I'm just worried I'm putting a candle to a storm snd hoping that it won't go out. That the sea of other voices will win in a moment of impulsivity and it will all be for nothing. 

I'm trying my best. I'm just worried it's not enough.