Is it self hate or is it just me.(?)

I can be the happiest person in seconds or saddest the next. I’ve grown up with emotionally immature parents (didn’t even know that was a thing till yesterday).

I grew up scared of my parents, my feelings always being invalidated and I felt like I was in prison.

It disgusts me how I would made to feel bad about myself at only 13 years old with no compassion from my parents.

I grew up watching others spend their teenage years experiencing freedom while I was left at home fliching everytime I heard footsteps or someone calling my name.

I imagined fake scenarios that I would fall in love with someone who loves me for me and would always make me happy.

That’s when my confidence drained , I became desperate to find that person, lost my best friend and felt lonely.

No child should ever be made to feel this way and the problem is that I know the cure , it’s God. But I can’t seem to trust that He will help me.

Instead I rot away on these addictions like movies hoping to get the happiness I always wanted.

Worst of it all I rot away on p*rn and leaves me self hating , feeling disgusting and angry about myself that I can’t take it all to God.

In the moments I compare myself to others or hurt by my family I really want to cut myself to ease the pain.