I was raised by narcissistic parents
the very fact that I was born in this family implies that some bad karma is working out. So I am evil. And also look, I find faults with my father and call him narc.
No but my mom used to call me negative thinking if I speak
But she herself used to speak her married life problems. She perhaps wanted me to be more tolerant. For me, she would not stand for me or keep my secrets from dad. But she would expect me to side her in family fights. I feel guilty that I never sided her. But at that time I felt that my involvement in parent's fights will only increase the pitch. But I should not have done it. God is punishing me. That's why I have a job but my father doesn't allow me freedom to use my money or go outside the house. He also thinks good for me and wants to protect me from danger. He doesn't want to lose me after he lost my mother. But I feel confused whether should I be obedient to father or am I right in desiring freedom. I never played with friends or went outside the house as a kid. I was asked to study. First, till std 10, then 12, then b tech and m tech. They would say I am a child and don't have the right to go outside. But once I grow up I will get the rights. But finally my mom says that children always remain children to parents and father started saying no matter what the past, I don't want to lose you. So I keep you with me. He has all my certificates, bank accounts, etc. he has invested my money in different places like this scheme that scheme etc. whose password he only knows. He doesn't misuse money in bad habits. He asserts that he has quit smoking and drinking in one day. And says doesn't want to lose me or take any risk with me. If I disobey him he will make me promise that after his death also I will continue to restrict myself in a similar way by holding myself accountable to another relative or his other trusted person
I feel guilty to confront him. Because of his so called protection, I could not defend myself when I was sexually abused murdered by classmates. Everyone calls me trans everyday though I am boy. He doesn't know it. If I tell, he will tell his childhood poverty and that he is doing good in protecting me. And will revoke the little freedom also I have.
I wanted to be an army officer. But my parents manipulated me such that I myself was made to tell that I don't want to join the army. To outsiders, they are parents of a proud son who studied in big and top colleges and is financially independent after breaking their cycles of poverty. To outsiders, they say that they allowed me to do what I liked in my life. But they repeatedly discouraged my wish to join army by saying that I am not fit for it. I wanted to undo their upbringing and prove myself. But I couldn't. They repeatedly said (specially father) that I am fit only for a desk job. I am an AI engineer who earns lakhs of rupees. But I don't have freedom to use my hard earned money. People in my office discriminate me due to the fact that I am introverted. They don't call me for their planned trips, sports activities, group lunches, etc. I feel very isolated. And I have more pressure than others to make a difference. And this hard work is paying me nothing. I have become aimless and ambitionless because my dreams are shattered. And father says now that I should have an aim and goal in life after having shattered it.
I just wanted to say a good bye.
@anonymousmonkey67
It sounds like you come from a culture that’s very different than mine. I understand that in some cultures, children are expected to obey their parents always and forever. In my culture, many kids stop listening to their parents in their early teens and leave home in their late teens.
It sounds like you would greatly benefit from talking to a therapist who is familiar with your culture.
As a parent, I felt that it was my responsibility to nurture independence and freedom of thought in my children. My children have always been free to decide what kind of work they wanted to do and the lifestyle they wanted to experience. Now they’re independent adults, and will continue to do okay, even after I pass away.
I was living on my own when I was 15, because my parents weren’t doing a very good job of parenting. They also made no attempt to bring me home. So, it seems that my parents weren’t very interested in me, and your parents are too interested in managing your life. I think it would be nice if we both had parents who were involved to the point of being nurturing, but not to the point of being over controlling.
If you are legally responsible for yourself, the extent to which you assert that responsibility and autonomy is up to you. You’re not legally bound to do what your parents tell you.
I get it though. Parents can exert tremendous psychological pressure and manipulate emotions, making it feel like the only choice is to follow their orders.
It’s worth considering the choice, do you want to be responsible for your own happiness, or make your happiness the job of your parents. If your parents are in charge of your happiness, how well are they doing?
I mentioned a therapist earlier, because I think to a great extent, you’ve overlooked your value, potential, and ability to make choices that can make your life more fulfilling. I think one thing we have in common is that both our parents acted in ways that damaged our self-esteem and confidence. It usually takes a while and some help to recover from the damage.
I’m an introvert also. I too was overlooked socially. I tend to find the things others around me enjoy, I’m not interested in, so I don’t mind being overlooked by them. Maybe it’s better to meet someone outside of work, perhaps in some kind of group setting. I met my wife 33 years ago at a spiritual gathering. I’ve also spent a lot of years alone. I believe learning how to be okay alone is a valuable life lesson. My wife and I had been alone for years before we met. I think because of that alone time, we were both able to celebrate each other’s company, and be with each other simply because it felt good, rather than have that desperate clingy emotional entanglement that’s so common.
If you’d like to talk, or exchange messages, please let me know.
@Spiritriver I have clearly told in the message that I am digitally monitored
@Spiritriver It is very difficult for you to imagine the guilt and turmoil of emotions I have.
What happened was I was writing my personal diary in my phone. So, me and dad were in a train. Me on lower berth and he on upper. So, as I was typing, dad silently took photographs and repeatedly asked me what I was doing. I told some lies but he showed me the photos and told I was lying. I was baffled and snatched the phone from him and deleted the photos. And he repeatedly, through gestures, makes me feel guilty. I have written that my father doesn't give me independence etc. I also don't know whether he has read it fully. But I am very disturbed after this. In midnight, I silently took his phone, and deleted the photos from recycle bin and all synced drives as our phones are linked to many places.
Thinking of this incident really really disturbs me. I beat myself, bang my head and do all things and it has really affected my office work. I don't know what to do. People look at me strangely and I have no explanation to give anyone.
I have a hidden google account on which I have my diary. He told me he was sleeping. I also saw it. I never expected him to take photos like this. I am very meticulous in hiding these thigns but I got slipped somehow. I feel guilty of being treacherous
@anonymousmonkey67
“@Spiritriver It is very difficult for you to imagine the guilt and turmoil of emotions I have.”
I believe I understand that. My parents were controlling. Both were mentally ill, but in different ways. I was raised in a cult-like religion. My mom was bipolar, schizophrenic, narcissistic, and had BPD. The worst part was that during early childhood, I believed everything she told me. I was bullied, abused and molested both at school and home, and according to her I deserved whatever bad things that happened to me. My dad was a chronically depressed alcoholic, who was at times, severely strict, and other times, totally withdrawn. He made it pretty clear that he didn’t want me. Later, in adulthood he apologized, but there never was a father-son relationship. He also abandoned the family when I was 10.
For me, guilt was an inescapable constant, as was self-loathing. I decided that regardless of that, I had to survive.
Things were different in those days. There was no digital anything. We didn’t even have a TV, and often had no phone. I spent as much time as I could away from home and I think doing that helped me survive as well as I did. Sometimes there wasn’t enough food or money for rent and heat. We were evicted several times. I attended 13 schools in 9 years, then at age 15, I dropped out of school and left home.
With all that said, I don’t know if I would have been able to handle the difficult upbringing that you’ve had. My parents never had digital control of me, nor could they keep track of what I did when away from home. In other words, I think compared to you, I had it easy. I think there’s a difference in our response to authority too. If you can imagine trying to teach a cat to perform complex tricks, I was very much like that cat when my parents tried to control me. Despite frequent beatings, I disobeyed them often. I really couldn’t avoid being that way, even if my life depended on it.
I did go back to school and graduated college with honors. I’m pretty proud of that, especially since I had to manage ADHD and dyslexia.
I think your culture may make it far more difficult to gain independence from your parents. In this country, especially when I was young, a lot of kids left home, usually in their late teens. I think in your culture, and in some other places too, for example, Korea, people feel they must do what their parents tell them, even if they’re a century old.
My feeling is, if parents are going to have that much control of their adult children, they need to be very fair and respectful. They need to give them privacy. They need to teach them to be financially independent, and encourage that independence. If parents don’t want to honor those appropriate attitudes towards their children, they have no right to interfere with their lives.
My impression is that you feel trapped in a situation that’s making you very unhappy, and the thought of leaving it leads to extreme guilt. I’d like to think you have access to therapy, and take advantage of it in order to gain some freedom from the guilt. You may also discover way in which you can gain more control of your own life and finances.
It sounds like both of us, have had to deal with impossible parents. There’s just the difference in the ways in which they were impossible.
You don’t deserve to feel guilty for wanting to be free of the emotional abuse you’re experiencing.
@anonymousmonkey67 I am dying bit by bit daily. What is the point in being independent? I will anyway have to depend on children if I get old and physically incapable. It is better to not taste independence and then crave for it when it is not there. I lost interest in life
