I went from my best to my worst in two days
I actually believed it. The motivation was there, the hope was there, the progress even was there. I wasn't at the top of the mountain, but I was climbing. And then, like a meticulously orchestrated machiavelious plan, I was pushed down to the other side, and I feel like depression, this time not high functional at all, is coming, and big depression. It's like the space between peace and freedom and explosion was too much from me. I did it all. I fell, the stood up again many times this summer. I had a horrible phase at the start, but I still continued after that. But then, as I had this great reflective phase, I felt it in all of me that something terrible was going to happen. And now, it's happening. All the healing techniques, all the journaling, all the meditation and the yoga, none of that slow progress feels big enough to fight the sudden panic from all the triggers coming at me at the same time. I don't feel numb or empty, I feel ... Something unexplainable. I feel depressed, that's it. The anxiety of anticipation was too much to bear with, and I tried to ignore it, to reason it, but I knew it was right. It's like healing was this broken fantasy. And now parents are pulling me from trigger to trigger with no pause to rest or to calm down. That strategy is efficient: I lost my guard after one week of decent living, then, bang! One after one, making me feel crazy, and pulling me to depression so I'm easy to manage. And I wish it was just paranoia. It would be less worse then what I'm living now. Hiding my papers, my journals, trying to anticipate all the occasions they could enter my room to hide my stuff methodically. But now I have no idea what to do. It's like I can't hide everything. I can't be on every front, relaxing, verifying where each thing is. I'm scared of doing this thing where you write your thoughts because I don't want them to look in the trash where I put it.
Should I just lower my expectations and let myself drown in depression? Should I act the way they want and hide myself? Should I let myself drown slowly until the storm's over, hiding with escapism?
@oliveSailboat9838 sits beside you and hugs you tightly 💖 yes lower your expectations but of your family not your mental health. It's so hard to fight depression and so easy to just give up🙁 but it's worth the fight so never give up on hope 💖 never become the person they want you to be, but always keep a hold of who you are and want to be💖 people are strong, mental health is strong, but so is your mind and heart and nothing can beat that strength💖 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗 right here for you, we all are 💖 you never have to struggle alone 💖
@Tinywhisper11 but what if I keep on disappointing myself?
Hello … @oliveSailboat9838
I appreciate you recording this experience. It has given me a chance to reflect on some things I have learned on my spiritual journey.
One thing I learned early on was about the nature of evil and good.
(This can also be conceptualized in different ways, such as light and dark, Yin and Yang, etc, … For this commentary, I’ll just use good and evil.)
I was taught to look out for the times when I would suddenly (for no apparent reason) suffer a major fall directly after an ascension. Using your example, what I see happening is “evil” forces are at work—trying to prevent you from reaching your next level of spiritual development. The closer you got to that point of progress or ascension, the harder the "evil" forces tried to “bring” you down.
How do we “fight” such powerful forces? By doing our best to not believe in the lies being fed to us. Your 4th sentence contains the lie: “I was pushed down to the other side”.
In my spiritual orientation, we all progress in a forward direction: there are no setbacks, everything is part of the journey. Also, the journey never ends, meaning once I die, my journey continues just in another form. How does this relate to the lie above? The lie above says we are pushed down the other side as if that was the end of your journey.
And I do understand that I have no idea about who you are or what you’ve been through. All I have is what you wrote, and from my perspective I see you up against powerful forces that are determined to destroy you, but I hope you can see that you have a strength within (as well as protective forces, like here at 7Cups) that will help you make it through this difficult time.
Perhaps a change may be possible regarding your papers and journals?
What expectations does your family have for you? How do they want you to act?
Please hang in there and feel free to reach out anytime.
