Just venting

Its late for me so Im more emotional, when I wake up in the morning I’ll regret this but only at night time do I feel myself. I want to embrace these emotions, even if they’re negative. Im long aware of the fact that I find some sort of comfort in my depression, its almost like an addiction. That feeling of deeply rooted pain. It sounds crazy to say that I find comfort in feeling so terrible and I might just be crazy but its true. Ever since I started taking sertraline, I haven’t been feeling much. Ive read once that apparently depressed people, when they complain about life feeling blunt on anti depressants, that that just shows the medication is working and that it just feels empty and blunt to us because we are used to feeling emotions very very intensely, especially negative ones. I do believe that that may be true but at the same time how can healthy people be truly happy, when feeling so little. I feel nothing, barely anything at all no matter what. My days pass by with me only being able to describe each and every one as "meh". Its starting to become frustrating, I‘d prefer feeling sadness extensively rather than feeling numb and nothingness all the time. ***, I hate this. Someone I love could die and I wouldnt even be able to feel true grief or sadness. I havent cried more than a couple forced tears in ages. I miss having emotions. I feel like a *** robot. I hate life. I hate being alive, living, society, medication, I hate everything. I wish I were dead