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placidSummer6314
187 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceDecember 15, 2022
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vent
Depression Support / by placidSummer6314
Last post
 December 8th, 2023
...See more Hey some general info up front: im a female, im 18 years old and live in Switzerland. I am a student. Now that that is out of the way, I need to vent about my mental state but because mx story with mental illness is a rather long one I’ll try to summarize my history with it very briefly: I started having problems with my mental health at age 11. started going to therapy pretty soon after I started feeling depressed, been in the mental health system ever since. Had 2 mental hospital stays, one was for a month, the 2nd stay was 4 months long. Ive gone to countless therapists and was tested for many many mental illnesses that most people know of. I was tested for adhd/add, depression, autism, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ptsd, panic disorder, social anxiety, and so on. Over the years Ive been to many different therapists but none could actually find put what im struggling with or whats wrong with me. Whatever diagnosis I get at some place gets debunked at the next. The mental illness that seems to get closest to the truth would be seasonal depression which gets really bad in winter. Winters render me completely unable to function and it keeps getting worse year by year. This is my 3rd year trying to repeat year 11 at a "Gymnasium". And the problem aren’t my grades. I’ve got a clinically tested iq of 134 and while I dont put much thought into that number my grades are very good and I rarely have to study much to get through. So performing in that area is not a problem. But I have huge issues waking up and facing life. I want to run away from reality. I want to dream forever and dont have the energy to go through daily life. Everything overwhelms me and I get panicky when I gotta leave the house. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore and I do not see a rosy future for myself. Or any future at all at the moment but to be fair rn as I‘m writing this im feeling exceptionally low spirited. The lines between my imagination and whats real are very blurry. Its almost as if I am perceiving my own life from a third person perspective. Nothing evokes true, clear and intense emotions in me. Ive distanced myself so much from my own feelings and duties in life that I am kinda stuck in this state where literally everything feels like theres a wall of fog between me and life. I literally am at my limit rn. I keep lying about my attendance in school to my mother because I don’t want to worry her too much, she has already given up so much for me. But Ive been restlessly destroying her life with my existence and issues. I can literally see how she’s changed in the past few years. I destroyed her and I feel so guilty. Mainly because theres no signs for anything to change for the better at any point in the foreseeable future. I am so close to giving up actively. I feel like I’d do everyone a favor. This isn’t some kind of stunt for attention Ive passed that phase. Idk if this is supposed to be a last cry for help, some sort of personal manifesto or if this is just my current depression having taken control over my mind. Whatever it is I know that Ive lost control over it all I can do is document it. Im destroying my last chance at living a successful life as we speak but I can’t actually feel any way about it. This might just as well just be a dream I am honestly not sure
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Society and it’s weight stigma
Journals & Diaries / by placidSummer6314
Last post
 January 10th, 2023
...See more So basically for pretty much all my life Ive been on the overweight/obese side when it comes to weight. Ive learned to live with it but never truly felt comfortable. Ive never hated my body and truly loved myself, even tho I was aware that I had to lose weight for a healthy lifestyle to come. What I didnt love, was the reaction of others, no matter if strangers or close family members. In the past 7 months I went down from 145kg to 103kg. I feel much more energetic and do absolutely realize that losing that weight already made a big change and I fell in love with myself even more. My face and its details are finally popping up again and theres a sparkle in my eyes. I loved myself always, but naturally having lost weight I feel much more confident with myself and with going outside. I am proud of my achievements and am still going strong with a healthy lifestyle. What I have noticed tho, especially in the past 3 months, is the way strangers perceive me. It is as if I only now am being seen as a respected member of society and when I was overweight I would constantly get stares, gross ones. Now people have started approaching me while waiting at the bus stop and asking me things, actually treating me like a human being and openly interacting with me. I am aware of all the stigma that this society holds over weight. But I was never aware how much of a difference it truly makes on the way others, complete strangers, treat you. And even tho I enjoy being finally treated as a human being I am also shocked, embarrassed and disappointed by society as a whole. My personality hasnt changed a bit but when I was heavier people immediately crossed me off as some fatass that isnt even worth getting to know. Those prejudices are disgusting to me and deeply hurt me. Even tho I might be seen as a fellow human being now, so so many heavier people get treated almost as if they were zoo animals.
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Just venting
Depression Support / by placidSummer6314
Last post
 January 8th, 2023
...See more Its late for me so Im more emotional, when I wake up in the morning I’ll regret this but only at night time do I feel myself. I want to embrace these emotions, even if they’re negative. Im long aware of the fact that I find some sort of comfort in my depression, its almost like an addiction. That feeling of deeply rooted pain. It sounds crazy to say that I find comfort in feeling so terrible and I might just be crazy but its true. Ever since I started taking sertraline, I haven’t been feeling much. Ive read once that apparently depressed people, when they complain about life feeling blunt on anti depressants, that that just shows the medication is working and that it just feels empty and blunt to us because we are used to feeling emotions very very intensely, especially negative ones. I do believe that that may be true but at the same time how can healthy people be truly happy, when feeling so little. I feel nothing, barely anything at all no matter what. My days pass by with me only being able to describe each and every one as "meh". Its starting to become frustrating, I‘d prefer feeling sadness extensively rather than feeling numb and nothingness all the time. ***, I hate this. Someone I love could die and I wouldnt even be able to feel true grief or sadness. I havent cried more than a couple forced tears in ages. I miss having emotions. I feel like a *** robot. I hate life. I hate being alive, living, society, medication, I hate everything. I wish I were dead
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