Learning to be me, makes me feel lesser than everybody
I am trying my hardest to find who I actually am. I grew up on a farm,and was only ever seen as labour. I never was allowed to have wants, never got to do all the kids stuff. Learning from failing, making friends, romantic relationships, been ok in my own skin.
I've lost 20 years, and I feel as though the ship has sailed on my self learning. I crave love, but don't even know what it is. I crave touch, but am too scared to let people see the real me. I crave connection but I am too much for people.
I can fix almost anything physical, yet i cannot fix my broken self.
Its hard to not repeat the same thing over and over, when I feel so much of everything.
Anyways.
@JOTYKI awww honey🙁 it sounds alot like me🙁 with communication and social skills, for me I found humour helps alot, and to gain confidence I stopped comparing myself to others and embraced my truth💖 never be afraid to show the real you💖 I hope one day you'll find happiness and love and all the things your heart desires💖 gives you a giant tiny hug 💗
That's very kind of you. It's getting harder to not compare, as I get older. I'm the last of my friends that is single, and it's hard to watch as their lives progress, while I'm still figuring out what I even am.
I use humour to hide my pain, and mask my anxiety, but I've started to run out of steam per say.
I've never been able to show the real me, it was always discouraged to be genuine when I was growing up, and even thru my 20's working in an industry made up of crusty, bitter, alcoholics has only made my armour thicker.
I dont mean to verbal diarrhea all of this. Just some context, and to get it out of my head.
I feel everything so much, but I cannot let it out.
Thank you for the hug 🫂
@JOTYKI yeah the advice I gave I try to do but fail to, humour as a mask and comparing myself to others, it's so much easier said than done🙁 and opening up can be very very hard🙁 do you find it easier to open up to listeners, 1-1 chat? I wish there was something I could say to help you, but the more I think about it, the more I see that I'm in a very similar state of mind as you🙁 so hopefully a virtual hug will help a little
It's an ongoing battle of the mind, I dont expect to have answers handed to me, or for someone else to fix or heal me. I dont really know what I would like to hear, but I appreciate that you are willing to listen, and not just turn and run.
I find its easier for me to open up to a single person, rather than a crowd (albeit an anonymous crowd, but still stands). Just having someone who is WILLING to listen is huge for me.
The virtual hug does feel good.
I could go on for hours about what my past is, but I try to keep ot succinct and not too deep. Unless you are up to listening to it? It can get depressing for a lot of it, as a heads up. I want to respect your boundaries.
@JOTYKI yep sometimes just having someone hear us can make a huge difference 💖 I'm right here, not going anywhere💖 you don't have to hold back with me, I'm here for you💖 sits beside you and hugs you tightly, I'm here ready to listen to you💖
I cant thank you enough, it means a lot to me.ð¥¹
I guess to get what I'm feeling off my chest, some context is needed. I was born and raised on the family farm, a minum of a 15 min drive to anywhere with people. I only ever went to 2 birthday parties as a child, and one play date. My mother tried to live thru her children, we never had a say of what we were going to do. My father, his side of the family is the farming one, only ever saw me as free labour, that he could abuse. From the time i was ~10, I was put into after school activities that my mother liked doing. I hated every second of it. Till I was 17, I did whatever she wanted to do. I never got to hang out with my school cohort, and could never make friends.
The timeline was from 10-17, go to school then go to some *** that had nothing to do with anyone I saw on the regular. If I wasn't at other things I was working on the farm. From 17-30 I went to college for a trade, and worked at only one place until last year. Once I was done at working would come home and work on the farm. Rinse and repeat. I started drinking heavily when I was 18, just to numb the pain and put me to sleep. I still lived with my parents, and they never said a word to me about my drinking problem. Only if I wasn't able to perform farm tasks, but never in a meaningful way. I had my first suicide attempt in 2017, and it was brushed off by my parents. Another one when barely turned 30. I went into an inpatient program for a week, and then an outpatient for another month. Only after that was I "cared" about. My father asks how my new job is going, but only to be condescending since I cant make or fix stuff for the farm anymore.
I am treated like I'm still a child, in the family (2 uncles, and my dad run the farm, my mom has her own business doing whatever the *** she does).
I started anew job at a college, and I love it. The people are amazing, and the work is fulfilling but not stressful (expect for me making it so, in my head). But I am still the only single person there, and people mostly talk about them and theor SO, or what they are doing for the weekend type of stuff. I dont feel like I can relate to them anymore, or even the small friend group i made in college. I feel incredibly immature, and like I shouldn't even be allowed to be around these people.
My coworker is so sweet, and she does let me talk about this stuff, but I still feel terrible about it. I'm 32, this is stuff kids figure out before 6th grade. I feel like I'm forever behind, and the idea of being with someone only makes me feel worse.
I hope I am not coming off as an incel, or something like that. I'm never mad or upset at other people for showing affection and love, I am just disappointed and feel guilt about my own short comings in that department.
I've never even held a girls hand, that is the most basic of things, and I just can't do it.
I can fix everything else, but myself.
@JOTYKI wow! You didn't have much of a chance at life till you were in your late teens🙁 I get why you feel like your car behind in your peer group🙁 starting life at a late age is gonna make you behind, add in mental health it's a miracle your still able to function so well. Life is hard🙁 I'm 24 years old now and I have only really been living on this planet since I was 18, so yeah I understand the feeling of not being able to keep up with others🙁 I really hope your true love will find you soon, and your life ends in a happy fairy tale💖 we can dream hey! Thank you for opening up 💖 sorry for not replying straight away, I'm not in good health so a bit unpredictable some times. My listening ears are always open for you and my arms are too 💖 hugs you tightly 💖
Thank you for being a kind listener, looking back at what I posted, that was maybe a bit too much.
No apologies needed :)
🫂
@JOTYKI no it wasn't to much 💖 I'm glad you were able to get some of it if your chest💖 like I said I'm always here if you need to vent/talk 💖
I truly appreciate you for listening to me go on and on.
I still have a heavy weight on my mind, of being alone forever, and what the future holds for me.
From an outsiders perspective, knowing my history and what I've been trying to heal, how do I come across? What comes to mind when you think of this stuff?
I only ask so I can have some understanding.
@JOTYKI I think your feeling a bit lost/left behind and understandably so. You were not given a chance to find who you are, and so now your having to compensate for the time you lost. But I think your doing really well at this 💖 it's ok to take your time to heal, to grow. You should be very proud of how far you've come. You deserve real connections, you deserve love and there's still plenty of time for that💖 hugs you tightly 💖
Thank you muchly ð¥²
@JOTYKI 💖💖
If you would also like to talk about you and your troubles, I am all ears. 🫂
@JOTYKI thankyou💖💖
You've been through so much and i admire your strength. I believe a beautiful future is waiting for you. .Now its time to know yourself, write your own story and truly enjoy life.
That's very kind, and sweet. I am trying my hardest to write my own story, and carve my own path. But I feels like the pen I'm writing with is forever dry, and the shovel I am using for my path is only digging holes.
I just dont know how to know myself. I've been a ghost for so long, I acnt leave this purgatory.
@JOTYKI **"Thank you for sharing that with me. I can feel how much you're carrying, and I want you to know — you're not alone in this. Wanting to write your own story is already powerful. Even if it feels like the pen is dry or the shovel keeps digging deeper, that doesn't mean the story has stopped or that you're failing. It just means you're tired — and it's okay to be tired.
Sometimes the hardest part of healing is feeling like you’ve lost who you are, like a ghost in your own life. But you’re here, reaching out, expressing this. That is your voice — it may be quiet now, but it's still yours.
Let’s take it one word, one step at a time. You're not expected to fix everything all at once. I'm here to sit with you in this moment, without judgment, without pressure. And when you're ready, we can look for the next small light together — not for someone else, but for you."