🦋💙 Lele's Butterfly Garden 🦋💙
Hi guys I'm Jayleah aka lele and welcome to my garden. Here ill post stuff like short stories, poems, affirmations, and probably more often vents.
Every day is like waking up is an unwanted, dreaded, chore. Like this morning I knew I was going to run late for school if I didn't get up and if I ran late I knew I'd get beat and yelled at so I constantly had to say in my head " Come on Jayleah just get up. If you don't get up it's going to be worse than it needs to be. " or " Jayleah just get up for godsake come on you can do it." I did get up on time but now I have 40 minutes to get ready and its gonna take me a long time and every minute I sit here is another minute more I'm closer to getting in trouble. I always feel like everything is my darn fault. I just grew into the habit of just taking the fall, and blame for everyone bc then it makes when I do get in trouble less long bc I owned up to it. I'm not saying I'm an angel but no kid deserves to get shut down like I do. I'm a decent kid considering where we live. I make straight a's my whole school career, I don't go around running around the streets of Atlanta and stuff, I'm pretty much a homebody bc i'm never allowed out. Sure I've been pressured to do things or somethings I just did not thinking how it would affect me but nothing too bad and I never did it again most things. Anyway I gotta go, ciao. tc
I cant can't can't can't can't can't can't can't do this much longer. I don't need a *** Psychiatrist. I got woken up with a belt last night bc I had a fricken dumb *** anxiety stomachache and fell asleep before I did my chore which was the living room and it was already decent. And my mom was otp yelling at me talking about some " Im gonna try to find her a damn psychiatrist bc this doesn't make any sense. Im not about to put with this for six more years till she go to college. " like *** what did I *** do? it was an honest mistake. Im just a kid. Im barely even 13. Literally just turned 13 two months ago. Im a quiet kid at home too bc I'm *** scared to even say anything. I just want to be good. I want to be ok. I want to be the perfect daughter but nope no matter how much and hard I try ill never be good. I Jayleah Grace will never be enough. Now I have to go to school trying so hard not to cry and being hot all day bc I have to keep my dumb jacket on to hide the almost bleeding welts. im so done. so done. idk what to do anymore to make anyone happy. Im not in crisis though.
@leleislost09 sending you strength 💜
Hey. I haven't posted recently and boy did a bunch of stuff happen. My sister went through my room like last week and she found my journal from like September and she told my dad and i got in hella trouble for that and my mom was like " you don't give a *** about me and this and that blah blah blah". and they told me to explain and I wasn't about to confess that it was true so I just said it was all made up and *** and since it was all the way in September 2022 she had no real proof to believe that I'm lying and yeah she was like if u wanna move out and go live with ur dad in cali we can do that bc I'm tired of your *** and I said no bc I hate my dad. and yeah so today TW I sh and its really bad and noticeable if u just look so now I'm scared that if they see I'm gonna get sent to the psychiatric hospital or sum scary *** like that.
I totally forgot about this place. Let's recap shall we?
It's been hectic. I've just been so depressed but idk why. When school was still in session my friends saw the sh scars. They didn't snitch but they were like oh why'd you do that but idk why i do it. it just happens. it relieves my pain. One of my friends Laurence saw and she told me that she used to do it and she's kind of been helping me. She told me to put all my sharps in a box and throw it out. I couldn't throw it out. Everyday im surrounded by sharps, while I'm washing dishes, doing school work, ect. My parents I mean they've kind of gotten over like my attempt and the journals. They pretend like it didn't happen, like they didn't neglect my needs for months and still are but ok. If they're going to keep pretending that its all fine, im going to pretend im all fine. I've been having this feeling, like this feeling in my heart and my brain that I'm changing? like bad changing. idk how to describe it. Oh and for Saint Mary Joseph I can't stop crying. Every second I'm alone I start to tear up for NO reason. I'm crying myself to bed. My music taste has become more and more darker when I'm by myself. At Volleyball and Softball my coaches have been saying I'm acting different. That I'm more quiet and reserved and I smile less. My personality isn't all big and loud. its more quiet, reserved and independent but I put on a loud personality so no one can see that I'm hurting. Im the jokester right? Im the "funny" friend. Im the "therapist/mom" friend right? Im the outgoing one right? Even with acting it's just not going as well as it used to. My acting coach keeps telling me I need to dig down deep and pull out that emotion and out it into my acting but i don't *** know where the emotions are! I've pushed them down so nuch idk how to channel them. I can get angry or sad or irritated in 0.5 seconds and not acting wise either like actually. All I do is just I'm how I do it but I do it but those are all bad emotions. Idk what these emotions mean.
@leleislost09 Hey :) I hope you don't mind my writing here. I guess I just wanted to say that I think it's pretty lousy that your sister went through your room and found your journal. I can understand if your parents concerned but it doesn't seem right that they're angry with you. It's hard to be a kid. Especially when the adults in your life act like everything you do is wrong and an inconvenience to them. They don't seem to want to accept that they're part of the problem.
I'm really glad you have a friend that's helping you deal with the SH. I hope that you can find someone here that you can talk to too. It's good to have a couple of places for support ❤️
Take good care of yourself ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for that. that made me smile. Yeah I'm glad my friend is here too. Ill try to take care. you too 💚
@leleislost09 keep smilingg
@mytwistedsoul so caring, so validating, and sweet of you soul💛
@Fristo Aww thank you Fristo ❤️ I always smile when I see you in the forums spreading kindness and encouragement. Did you know you're awesome? 😮😊
I'm always angry and I don't know why. I'm always annoyed and I don't get why. I'm always sad and I don't know why. My life is good right? I live in a two parent home, I have a decent education, I have a roof over my head, I have decent friends, We moved to a safer neighborhood, one without gang activity and drugs and crazy people. We go on nice vacations, My parents aren't mad at me anymore, so I should be happy right? I'm capable of playing sports and doing acting and all the things some kids can't do so i'm fine right? I don't know what's *** wrong with me man. Just tell me what's wrong with me. How did all of this *** start?
@leleislost09 it sounds past baggage, lele.
and understand it is not about you, our mind behaves that way without our consent, and it takes time and gradual effort to bring this mind to follow our directions. mind's like a child and we are its parent. a naughty child, must say.
A very bad poem.
Lost in my own identity,
My soul cries in desperation,
I'm looking for a place to start,
But i'm left with no direction.
I feel like i'm a stranger,
In my stupid body i'm trapped,
I'm looking desperately for answers,
But actually find them is hopeless, and that's a fact.
I'm confused and i'm scared,
My heart beating rapidly like a drum,
I'm looking for a place to fit in,
But nowhere is where I belong.
I'm longing to find my true self,
But i'm struggling to find the key,
Because without it i'm left in the dark,
Not knowing who i'm supposed to be.
@leleislost09 this is excellently written. one can feel your pain easily reading the poem. so it's a good poem, although the situation is sad and painful.
but i like the quest. the quest to find your true self. I've been on the same quest, and I've got my answers along the way, and am happily discovering more and more answers.
It's lovely to meet you, lele
I can't stop crying and I can't *** breathe. I'm shaking and I keep gasping for air and I don't know what to do and my dad is going wake up and it's 1am. I feel like I'm dying. I'm dying. it's happening. What is happening?
Help.
@leleislost09 I'm very late in replying, I apologize for that. Are you alright? Was it a panic attack? Do you have any comfort items or know grounding methods to calm yourself?
@leleislost09 hope you found your way to feel better through those moments. lots of support and safety to you.
@leleislost09 this seems a sweet space to do self-reflections and to share a friendly talk with oneself. Like a diary, but a beautiful one. Love the title -Butterfly Garden. I'd want to be in this garden with you 💛
@Fristo @mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for being there for me. I'm so sorry for the late reply but I really really do appreciate it and I hope that you both are doing well. Again thank you, thank you ❤
@leleislost09 No thank you necessary 💙 There's never a time line for replying and it's never an obligation
Take good care of you 😊
I don't quite necessarily understand what's wrong. I don't know why I'm always angry. I'm so easily agitated and I don't want to be. My little brother sees me get angry and upset and smart and he mirrors that. I get so angry to where I almost physically actually hurt someone. I don't know why I have all this anger towards nothing. It's not even that I'm angry or annoyed with the people I snap at. I feel so bad after and honestly it's damaging my relationship with my little brother.
People notice how differently I act around my parents. My mom was driving me and my friend to our day camp and when we got dropped off my friend told me i'm more quiet and blocked off and paranoid around my parents. When my parents aren't there I have to act more happy and joyful and put on this big personality. It even affects how smart people actually think I am. Like I'm in advanced classes but when let's say my friends are sad or need advice and I'm helping them they're like ' Woah, who are you? Why do you have such deep advice?' and my stupid response is ' I just give you advice and support I could've experienced myself.' and then everyone thinks I'm a crackhead. I just want people to actually get to know me because rn absolutely no one knows who I actually am. Im a deep thinker, I'm quiet, I like to observe and get lost in my random thoughts sometimes. I savor quiet and I don't like human interaction. But people have already built this image of me in their head so for now I guess I just go unknown.