🦋💙 Lele's Butterfly Garden 🦋💙
Hi guys I'm Jayleah aka lele and welcome to my garden. Here ill post stuff like short stories, poems, affirmations, and probably more often vents.
Every day is like waking up is an unwanted, dreaded, chore. Like this morning I knew I was going to run late for school if I didn't get up and if I ran late I knew I'd get beat and yelled at so I constantly had to say in my head " Come on Jayleah just get up. If you don't get up it's going to be worse than it needs to be. " or " Jayleah just get up for godsake come on you can do it." I did get up on time but now I have 40 minutes to get ready and its gonna take me a long time and every minute I sit here is another minute more I'm closer to getting in trouble. I always feel like everything is my darn fault. I just grew into the habit of just taking the fall, and blame for everyone bc then it makes when I do get in trouble less long bc I owned up to it. I'm not saying I'm an angel but no kid deserves to get shut down like I do. I'm a decent kid considering where we live. I make straight a's my whole school career, I don't go around running around the streets of Atlanta and stuff, I'm pretty much a homebody bc i'm never allowed out. Sure I've been pressured to do things or somethings I just did not thinking how it would affect me but nothing too bad and I never did it again most things. Anyway I gotta go, ciao. tc
I'm going to miss my sister. She's going away to college in a few days, and I'll be stuck here. Alone with truly no one to talk to, no one to laugh at my step dad's corny jokes with, no one to get advice from, no one to keep me out of trouble. No one to help me keep my *** together because truly I don't even know how I'm alive right now. While with her gone I might get more freedom and stuff, I'm gonna miss her so much.
I'm not the talk about my feelings kind of person really. That's why I have this thread, to talk about my feelings without talking about them. She was the only one who sort of always knew I wasn't okay without me showing it. All eyes are going to be on me now. I'm used to just being the middle kid who goes unnoticed and independent and stuff.
But now that she's going to be gone all her responsibilities are gonna be dumped on me along with the ones I have now, along with getting straight A's because apparently one *** B is not good enough because I can do better but im trying to just stay alive. Anyways yeah this is going to be *** getting used to. I already feel myself getting worse. Let's see how long it takes me till I finally crack.
Lmao I start my new school next Monday. I'm nervous. New school, new kids, new teachers, new sports team, new everything. I had softball tryouts today for my school team and everyone already new each other. Everyone was kind of just staring at me. I met this one girl Lexi. She was really nice and said when school starts she'll help me get to my classes and stuff. And she's hella good at softball. Tomorrow is part two of tryouts and then we find out who made the team. I got Lexi's number and snap though. I don't know I'm really nervous about this whole new stuff. Even my new house still feels weird and we moved here like two weeks after school let out. My room doesn't feel like my room. It still smells like that new house smell. The point is I don't do well with change and new stuff. Fingers crossed it goes okay.
Welp my sister starts moving out tomorrow. Last time I'll see her is Saturday until Thanksgiving. She asked me if I were sad but am I? I don't feel any emotion but anger lately, the rest is just numbness. I guess I am sad she's leaving but why can't I feel it? I don't know I guess numbness is better than feeling but sometimes I want to feel you know?
I've been getting all these headaches. I googled it and it is apparently tension headaches? They *** hurt so bad man, I can't even function. I always feel groggy. I'm sleeping my days away or not sleeping at all.
I made the softball team though, Lexi did as well. I feel like some girls who didn't make it don't like me because they gave me this mean look. Nobody even knows me. I guess I get it though. The mysterious new girl appears, and takes your spot on your schools softball team. I just hope these kids don't start problems with me because I did literally nothing to them. I only ever talked to Lexi and she told me to stay away from them because they start drama. Locked and noted. I should be happy I made the team. I earned it, but it doesn't feel like it. It's like now I'm constantly trying to prove that I am worthy of it. Like the new girl can contribute to the team. Maybe this all sounds like little kid drama and worries. Maybe I'm being sensitive and stressing myself out for no reason. I don't care how bad the area was, I miss my old friends and my old school and my old house. They should've just moved without me.
@leleislost09 Congratulations on making the team! That's great! Try not to let people take that away from you. I know it's not easy because we worry about things like that but like you said - you earned it. You might have to prove yourself for alittle but once they get to know you they'll appreciate the skill you bring
@mytwistedsoul
Thank youuuu. Yeah I might go to the doctor about my headaches. the
I'm afraid to start school on Monday. I'll know absolutely no one. Lexi isn't even in any of my classes. Our first softball game is next Wednesday and what if I *** it up? Also I have to learn how to control all this anger. I don't know why I'm always agitated and mad and tired. At first it used to be I was always sad but now I'm just sad and angry.
I'm freaking out. I start school tomorrow and it's going to be absolutely miserable. New school and friends and I have softball practice tomorrow too and the locker room is so awkward because no one talks to me and when I try to talk to them they just ignore me kinda. All of a sudden it seems like I have nothing to wear. Nothing is perfect and it needs to be perfect! Everything seems so unorganized and it's bothering me. My mom keeps saying " New school, new you. Don't *** it up." How the *** is that supposed to help me! It just freaks me out more!