Life is both spiraling and on pause
Hello. There's a lot going on so I'll try to be brief. I've been struggling with depression and various emotional issues for a very long time. Been unhappy in my relationship with my fiancee for a while even tho he is a good man; lot of trauma from childhood trauma that has caused a lot of problems for me like fear of confrontation and letting others down among other things. I've been unemployed for a long time, over a year even though I have a degree in finance, I haven't been able to find employment. I have no motivation for anything, even doing daily chores is a struggle. Been also dealing with recurring childhood trauma from alcoholic parents who abused me.I can't even seem to get anywhere finding affordable therapy, at least not with ones that will get back to me. Alcohol feels like the only thing that takes the edge off and I feel like I can't tell anyone in my life, not even my fiancee cause I seem to put him on the defensive easily and he shuts down on me or his advice is very vague like " I need to deal with my issues or move on" and I just don't know how to deal with my anger and sadness and depression on my own. I keep making mistakes some of the same ones. I'm trying to keep moving forward and remaining diligent with job searches and all. I feel like a witch, worthless and deserving of my pain it's part of the reason I deal with thigs on my own and don't want to burden anyone but I'm just too weak to keep dealing with this on my own. I guess I just want to know I'm not alone and there's some kind of hope and a future to look forward to and keep fighting for.
@hew28
Hello. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am sorry to hear about your feeling depressed, sad, angry, worthless or "deserving all the bad things that happened".
Also, I am sorry you had to be patient waiting for any response, but it is often difficult to solve all the human life's problems at one pass. And you mentioned quite a few of them:
Feeling unhappy in the relationship with apparently an unsupportive partner.
Suffering from the effect of a childhood abuse trauma.
Being unemployed at the moment, despite your efforts to gain some professional education.
Problems with finding the right boundaries between you and other people without feeling guilty or risking a conflict.
Feeling overwhelmed and tired when struggling with long-standing life matters meet the boring routine of everyday chores.
As I said, I believe you cannot solve it all in one day, so how would you feel about taking the "first things first" attitude? Which of those problems would you like to start working on at this moment?
Did I understand it correctly that, having not enough understanding among people, especially the closest ones, you've started experimenting with alcohol to ease the pain?
Well, I guess that most of us make A LOT OF mistakes. But we still keep trying!
How would you feel about treating the bad things in your life as not the things you deserve, but the things that "just happen", even or especially to good people?
You're not alone. There is hope. I think there's always a better future to look forward to and worth fighting for 😊
By the way, I am really impressed with your insight and capability to call your troubles by name. I can feel your starting to heal from them or to solve them might be just around the corner. I keep my fingers crossed for you🤞
P.S. If you could be interested, and time zone differences would not be an obstacle, you may also try to reach me via chat with a listener.