Loneliness and unrequited love

im a sophomore in high school, for the past year I have been feeling really lonely, I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and barley have any friends. I used to be apart of an abusive friend group that ended up crashing down on me and they all left me which completely broke me because they were the only friends I had. After that it was freshman year, I was always hiding in bathroom stalls, sleeping in class, nearly failing all my classes and spending most hours in therapy clinics and hospitals.

i admit, it’s gotten better, but my social life hasn’t. I have made two new friends making my friends in total 3, I love my best friend a lot, but I wish I had more friends, I wish I was in a relationship, I wish I got attention from guys, I wish I didn’t feel so unlovable.

im usually quiet in class, naturally I’m very introverted, I’m not lacking anything physically, I’m very much known to be highly attractive but it’s my shy personality that keeps me away. Now here’s the thing that hurts, I’ve developed a crush on a guy in my class, like a REAL crush, I really like him, we’re not close but hes what motivates me to keep going in school, I sit next to him in every class almost, but we never talk.

the problem is…he’s my ex best friend’s ex. My ex best friend treated me like crap, and for me to like her ex is just overall embarrassing to me, because I know my feelings are highly unrequited, me and my ex best friend are two very different people, and the guy I like feels like a world away from me. But I can’t help it, I really like him, I’m embarrassed of the fact that he dated my ex best friend but what can I really do? I wouldn’t have picked to like him if I had the choice, it just happened, and I don’t know what to do.

its been tearing me apart since it first happened and I can’t help but feel so agonised every time I think of the fact that my feelings are terribly unrequited, it doesn’t help my low self esteem and makes me feel more unlovable and unwanted than I already am. The problem is, I really like the guy, for some reason ever since I met him (which was after he broke up with my ex best friend) I had a feeling, I don’t know what the feeling is I could have just been delusional or petty but I knew that he somehow was going to be important to me in a way or that he’ll have a sort of connection with me in the future. This is the first year we’ve been in the same exact class, and I can’t tell you how much I lit up when I discovered he was in my class (this was before I found out I had any feelings for him at all)

hs seems to notice me, but I highly highly doubt he wants anything to do with me, I can’t help but feel a tang of jealousy towards my ex best friend, it’s not her fault, I don’t blame her, but she has always gotten everything I ever wanted and I feel ashamed to admit that sometimes I wish I was her.

I wish I wasn’t a loner who reads a lot, shy and awkward and usually a listener. I feel absolutely useless, unwanted and unloved. I don’t think anybody could ever love me as I am, and it hurts. I have been giving up on myself and life in general a lot more lately, entering back into my depressive episodes really agonise me.

i try to be kind to everything I see, because I never know what someone might be going through, but a lot of the times I don’t receive that kindness back and it pains me. I’m slowly giving up on everything, I’m slowly starting to hate myself more by each passing day. Listening to other peoples lives and how exciting, adventurous and full of social circles they are makes me feel sick, I’m sick of being alone, I’m sick of feeling unloved and unwanted, I’m sick of being in the shadows I’m sick of it all. I don’t want to be here anymore.

i don’t know what to do about my feelings for the guy, do I repress them? What do I do. I want all of this to be over