Loop

Let me tell you my story. So when I was a child in the 3rd or 4th standard, maybe, the time when I became conscious of being. So at that time, thought I was really good at remembering stories, but I sucks at spelling words and tables. People around me only care about those things that I am lacking ( which is no big deal now, I still sucks, but I have Grammarly and a calculator now). So they used to bully me, by asking me to write spelling or tables, and laugh at me that I sucks while their children are good at it. So it basically makes me doubt myself. Then I put all my childhood dreams aside and kept studying for the next few years. I became the topper in middle school, and finally, people started praising me, and my parents were proud of me. This is the only thing I want to see and love. Now I spent my whole middle school just following teachers' instructions as a good girl and preparing for different exams. I rarely do extracurricular activities or waste my time with my friends. So slowly I lost all my friends as soon as I moved to a different high school, at high school, I found people are way more amazing and brilliant. It's hard to compete, but studying is the only thing I know and the only thing that validates my existence. Now I am completely absorbed in study, no playing, no hangout nothing. People only talk to me about study stuff. Now I have become a nerd that all teams, students, neighbours and my parents love, at least that's what I thought until I didn't get good enough scores to get into medical. Turns out no one ever loved me, people started ignoring me, and my parents scolded me for not working hard and watching TV. I was alone again. I have no plans, no idea.

Still, I got into a biotech college by thinking maybe I would be a researcher and win over everyone again. But as time goes on, I am not interested in getting high scores, I just want to get passed. I make friends, but I turn out not to know how to keep them. Slowly, I got to know that I sucks at public speaking, small talk, and networking. I slowly drive into depression and anxiety before I know it. My friends try to help, but they also have lives, I can't drag them into my mess. So I get drift off in stories, I spent most of my time watching movies, drama and eating. It's become too hard to face the world, so I just escape to another and then another. I only study the day before exams, and I can't concentrate in class and get lost in daydreams. I zone out in mid-conversation.

I don't know how but I completed it.

Now it's been months, and I am unemployed and stuck. I have no idea what I want. I failed at my interview and got ghosted. People still keep asking me about a job and give a cold look by saying you have to try hard. My parents let me stay at home, but because of society, they keep taunting that I used to be a good student, so why haven't I got a job yet? I have no idea. In all this, I have no idea that everything was wrong from the start, no one actually loves me, ever, because you can't make anyone love you. Now I am at the stage where I was earlier, now they expect me to get married in a few years, who is going to tell them I am again 10 years old. But this time I don't want to do anything to prove myself to them. I am done.