My depressed friend has withdrawn from me for almost a month even though nothing was wrong in our friendship
Warning: this text is quite long, but i couldn't make it shorter. Sorry!!
Me and my friend met around 5 months ago at university. As none of us have other friends we quickly got very close to each other. I consider him as a best friend, i don't know it he does too.
Over time, I would learn that he would struggle a lot mentally. He never explicitly told me that he deals with depression, the signs are clearly there.
He would for example, forget to eat, or wouldn't feel time ticking.
He also hates himself (he loves to call himself a "certified negative person"), feels unworthy, and think it's his fault if he ended up in such situations, like being isolated socially.
I also figured that it seems like he does not have a good link with his family, so i sometimes feel like i am the only person that cares about him in his world
Also, I learnt that he ghosted all of his previous friendships. What I mean is that before university (in high school), as soon as summer holidays start, he claimed that he would vanish online and cut ties with all of his friends. That's all the information I've got, but I assume it's his depression that makes him feel he is not worth keeping friends or that he is overwhelmed.
Despite all his mental health struggles, our friendship grew a lot.
We met in March (i am gonna give dates cuz i think it'd be helpful). Within a week i got his contact so we could chat online and interestingly we started chatting every day and he would very quickly start to share with me his hobbies and what he likes to watch (maybe a sign that he needed connection, because normally you don't share your whole life after 10 days of meeting someone for the first time lol)
We were in holidays at the end of March which led us to spend an hour chatting. It was like if we were friends for several months even tho we had met only several days ago.
Time ticks and we keep building our friendships until summer holidays started (in the beginning of June). Not gonna lie, I got scared I would be ghosted like he did with all his previous friends, but he interestingly stayed (like he broke his usual pattern with me).
Our friendship kept growing and we truly started to become close friends. We chatted every single days for hours, built jokes only us two would understand, we would share all that we'd be doing, he'd get interested in my hobbies.
Basically what two close friends would normally do when bored in summer, lol
Things would go well.. until I was about to go on vacation for a week for my family, from July 25 to August 1 (for those who will see this post a while after i posted it, i am writing this on August 18)
I announced that to him around a week ago as I knew I would go offline for 7 days. Nothing wrong when I announced that, but from 3 days before I left I noticed he weirdly started to joke about ghosting a lot.
The first times he would joke I would ask him by curiosity if he was joking and he'd say "of course". But then it kept going and when asking again if he was joking he'd say "im 60% sure i am joking". He has a very dark humour but it started to feel like his humour started to get mixed with the reality.
Like if he was subsconsciouly telling me he was about to go.
Despite this weird fact him and I would keep chatting for hours till the last day, where he did tell me "see you in a week". The friendship was completely okay, contained no red flags and it was still appearing that he enjoyed my company
Though, on the day I left my hometown to go to the beach, he deleted his account of the main app where we would chat.
I didn't overthink too much as I thought it was just his normal pattern of deleting apps as much as they ain't needed anymore, and thought he was simply gonna create a new account as soon as I get back home.
Things just worsened over time, though.
A day before I got back to my hometown (on July 31) he unsubscribed from my YouTube channel and deleted all the comments he had posted there. From this day I really started to feel like I might get ghosted, so I send a message on the secondary app where we would talk (it didn't mention anything of his actions though, i was just trying to get news) but he ended up withdrawing from that app too before I sent the message.
On August 2 I decide to send him a long email and sends him a SMS asking him to check his mailbox. It was a long message where I would be praising him and remind him how much of a good person he is.
Let me remind you that I was genuinely scared to lose him so this could've been the last message that I would ever send.
He surprisingly replied: he stated that he needed to rest and apologised for suddenly disappearing, as well as adding a joke only us would understand.
I got this reply 16 days ago and it is the last thing i got from him. Since that his behaviour would appear vert unstable: deleting and re-installing apps, blocking me, unblocking me... especially on the main app where we used to talk, where he went, in a span of a week: re-installing the app -> blocking me -> unblocking me -> reblocking me -> deleting the app again
It could be him trying to get out of his isolation and trying to get to talk to me again but he would get overwhelmed and fail to send me a message, or idk. I am just supposing.
I regularly reach out (every 5 days on average) by sending him SMSs where i send him support, remind him he is still loved, and that he doesn't need to reply/can keep resting, and well i got no new reply.
I honestly have no idea where the friendship is going. I am very scared that his depression ended our friendship and that I am joining the list of all the people he ghosted in his past. But at the same time, a few things stand out: he didn't cut our ties as soon as summer started, he still replied to me on that August 2 message, and before his withdrawal he (not explicitly) showed that he would want to stay friends with me for years. He would also include me in his future.
Basically nothing that showed that the friendship was ending.
I've been very sad since he left. Imagine suddenly going from chatting to the best friend you ever had in your life for hours and hours (i never got a friend like him before) to NOTHING.
Holidays end in 5 weeks and I have no idea if he is ever willing to come back to me. I have no idea how is it going to go when uni will start again. I really don't want to lose him as a friend. He is such a sweet person to have around.
To the ones who did something similar to their friends due to depression, may I ask you if you still wanted your friends around? If no, is it because the friends didn't really care or because YOU decided to stop the friendship?
Did you genuinely enjoy it when you got supportive messages from friends ?
I am genuinely scared that our friendship comes to an end cause it was such a beautiful friendship to me. He means the world to me and I have no other friends to stay with.
I am not looking for a potental diagnosis of him btw, already figured a lot; I am more interested in perspectives from people who have personally experienced this kind of withdrawal.
Thank you for reading, sorry this was long :)
@LeGrandFeu
Your friend does seem to have bucked the trend with you.
And is trying harder than they normally would.
I have no doubt your texts and friendship means alot.
Ghosting can be done in many ways and as a cruel act, but for others, it's a defense mechanism.
They struggle so much, they find it hard to let people in, they want a connection but sometimes when they lose one, it's way too much for them to handle, especially if they haven't let themselves hope before.
So they cannot handle it.
And they withdraw.
And cone back.
An endless loop.
It sounds strange but they want to be close to someone but ultimately couldn't cope it were gone, it would be the final straw so they retreat to protect themselves.
For example, it's like someone who never had friends, they stop dreaming it wanting it, they close themselves off. They don't let anyone in. Unexpectedly they meet a friend, they don't open up at first but they slowly start to, they feel happy, joy, look forward to this, everything is brighter in their day. They trust. They are vulnerable. And then suddenly without reason, that friend is gone, this person cannot believe it, and now they don't know how to go back to feeling because it took all they had in the first place 💚
I hope your friend comes back, you are a kind and caring person, so supportive and sweet, it's good to leave a space where they can reach out but prioritize you also 💚
I feel for you, this is a tricky one. I know the instinct is to be encouraging and supportive and your heart is the right place but at times, when someone is in a low place, the walls come back up.
I personally if I've asked for space or have decided to disconnect from people, with or without a goodbye, at that point I want complete space and time to think.
The more messages I get, compounds the guilt of not replying and the obligation to reply is a drain. Sorry but it pushes me away further.
If someone says to me, I need time away, I just respect their wishes and repeat, I'm here when you're ready (and I don't contact them) but I won't wait around forever, without a clear timeframe.
Some care and some didn't but on the collective whole, I wasn't getting what I needed so the decision to walk away was easier.
@LeGrandFeu
I can’t speak from a perspective of someone who ghosts. Still, I think that what you are doing is really gentle and steady. I am just not sure how long you want to continue doing it. I assume you are asking that yourself too and that is why you asked here for perspectives on what he might need. I wish you got slightly more insights.
It sounds that you care about him a lot. I am glad that you found room to notice how you feel (sad). Your feelings in it matter too. Could you use a virtual hug? 🫂
I can’t tell you if you should continue your 5-day pattern or for how long. I want to suggest to look inside yourself. What feels right to you? You count in this. Don’t forget it. And no matter how it goes… you might want to remember what it gave you, appreciate who you have became through this and keep the good things you have learned.
first off, thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. It’s immediately clear how much you care about your friend and the bond you’ve built together. it’s truly painful to experience such a sudden shift in a friendship, especially when you’ve found someone who means so much to you. your concern for him and your desire to support him during this difficult time speaks volumes about your character and the depth of your friendship.
@LeGrandFeu how are you doing?
omg i didnt reply to any of this- but he came back!!!! ive never been so happy
@LeGrandFeu how is he?
