My life looks like World War III

 Trigger warning   

I don't think I ever was that depressed. I mean, I used to be able to at least save appearances, or I would just be depressed some days and I would experience joy sometime in the week. Right now? I feel sick. Like mentally sick. I can't physically wake up. I just  CAN'T. It feels like that one horror movie where the girl just replays her awful day for eternity and just can't stop the loop, and that's for two entire weeks. My brain just CAN'T do more than one super simple short homework, and I nned massive effort to be able to resist the urge to not do it. Time feels non existent. Like it's against me. One hour feels like 5 minutes. I'm either not present at class, either late. My house is not better. The neighbors are doing renovation work and the noise just wrenches my ears. And the worst is I have no support. I feel like all my friends are changing, abandoning me, going into a new phase of teenagehood while I'm stuck being the same. 

   I feel lost and constantly late, literally and metaphorically. " just don't compare yourself to others", well I'm not, I'm just trying to have a social life. Back then I felt like I didn't have any, well I would do anything to return to that place because it was still better than now. When you don't have a lot of friends and two of them ghosted you at the same time, and when they were tied to most of what you enjoyed about your week, well, you don't enjoy your week. I can't believe they just disappeared from my life, just like that. They got new friends, just like that. I feel prisoner of my own body, my house, my school. I don't feel alive at all. And not going to school makes me even more late and even more guilty. I just want to escape all of this. Nobody gets it. Ask help from your parents, they say, the therapists. How do I explain THEY'RE the one harming me? It always sounds too big to even think about saying. I realized how much I had everything figured out, how much I was doing to try at least. All the people I had then, where are they now? Nobody cares should be written on my t-shirt. When therapy is all about 'find someone you trust, blah blah, ' but what when you don't trust anybody, because everybody deceives you, and not even yourself? When you feel like a burden for expressing your feelings because nobody ever does so? I feel like living with a bunch of actors, but when I can't meet the job of acting for the roles I have, student, friend, daughter, polite girl whatever, I'm out-cast. I just don't exist. People don't know in what box to put me, so they ignore me. In a way, it's worse than mockery, bullying, shouting at me. I'm just a ghost. " Don't self pity", well , it's better than telling myself to do some morning routine at 4 AM and just "try more".

Why was I even born?