New Member Just Looking For Happiness

Good evening everyone!

I am brand new here, so I apologize if this isn’t traditional or what I am supposed to do, but I am seeking help in any way. I’m 38 years old, married, have suffered from depression for more years than I can remember. I went to a psychiatrist about 9 years ago, and it helped for a bit, but eventually it just became a conversation to approve my medication of Xanax & Lexipro. Now, I am looking for a new set of ears & perspectives.

Truth is I know where my depression issues stemmed from, and that is ok. What I am seeking is HAPPINESS! I am no good for anyone, especially myself if I can’t find something to help. I am more often than not just filled with rage, growing increasingly angered by the slightest inconvenience. I hate it. I hate being so bothered and easily triggered. I have hobbies, like sports that help me, but even now, I am more angered & sad that I’m not as talented as I once was. I love my family & wife, but I’m not affectionate at all. It’s not that I don’t love, I’m just very much to myself if that makes sense?

I was just recently hired at a new job with a fluctuating schedule, which isn’t great for my marriage, but I had to take a job fast. I was terminated after 11 years of work from my previous job due to a lapse of judgment on my part, which WAS MY FAULT, and I understood the decision. However, I was in a management position making decent wages. Now, financially and work to life wise; it’s a total demotion from where I was. Weirdly enough though, I think my termination was meant to be. I had hit my ceiling with no more growth left (despite the company telling me there was, but absolutely false). Even at my previous job, I wasn’t happy and openly admit that I only stayed as long as I did so due to the pay, proximity, and realistically the position of management I was in. But during those eleven years, my mental health PLUMMETED. I only have a High School education which limits my options to employers. It is not that I am unintelligent, but school just wasn’t for me. If I don’t grasp something instantly, I beat myself up and give up easily. I have a self-defeating personality disorder as per my psychiatrist. Which certainly adds up in certain areas of my life. I know I am capable of doing better things from a workplace, but I just need the chance to be taken on me! When I get really down on myself, I start thinking my life isn’t worth living, or how better off it be if I wasn’t born! I’m not suicidal, but definitely question why this pain inside will not go away…that isn’t fair to my wife, family, and most importantly myself! I want to rid my mind of these emotions.

So many days in recent months, I have just been reminiscing of my childhood, nostalgic looks back at a time where I was actually HAPPY, though I didn’t know it at the time. I had downs then too, and a lot of my issues do stem from my youth, but it was overall pretty good! I’m not sure why I am so infatuated with those days, but it definitely has been occurring a lot as of late.

I know it’s a lot to read, and understand if it’s too much to process, but any suggestions to find my happiness or inner peace from others who may feel the same would be greatly appreciated! I have to change now before it’s too late. Any recommendations are very welcomed!

Please help me help myself!

Thank You!