No more faith in people
Hello everyone... I want to share my experience as I feel so much pain....
In 2023 my 10 years long relationship my fiancee ended because she cheated on me with a common friend and after 10 days they got married.
It was a huge shock for me but I managed to get help and getting back to sanity... I pushed myself to do new things like traveling and meeting with strangers in meetup groups.
I started a new relationship in late August and that made me realize how bad was my previous relationship and how many things I've been missing out...
But again... This other relationship ended because she went to another guy and left me because he went to him...
I'm back on the same page I was a few months ago. I have no faith in humanity anymore, I feel completely lonely and sad. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me because I am a very generous person and people seem to use me and then they get so comfortable and they cheat. I am aware I should work on myself and learn to stop being so soft and set boundaries and respect myself first. But I am a nice person and generous by nature and if someone needs help I can't help it but run to them.
I can't sleep because I feel so stressed and completely lonely, I keep looking at the other side of the bed....
I don't know what to do... Can anyone give me some advice on how to get less soft and get respected from other people?
@sincereHemlock4504 awww sweetie, I'm so sorry those girls cheated on you😞 honestly I don't think your the problem, it was them that was the problem. This world needs more good, sweet, caring men like you. You don't need to change. And please don't give up on humanity, don't give up on love and don't give up on yourself. I really hope oneday you will find your princess, the princess you deserve, and live happily ever after ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ let's you know everything will be ok ❤
Thank you so much for your help and for giving me your time.
I'm in a very weird spot at the moment where I can't cope with anything, and I barely want to leave the bed.
I hear people telling me that everything will be ok and I'm starting to even get annoyed with that. Of course I'm so grateful to you and everyone who says that, but it's like I wanna hear something that will help me now, something that would make me cope better with other people and actually create connections without always being taken advantage of.
I went through same thing twice in less than 9 months and things didn't go ok and right now I feel like they will never go ok...
Princesses don't exist anymore and modern society is this messed up place that rewards people with low moral standards and who is not a nice person.
The world needs more good people but the good caring and sweet men get humiliated and punished.
Again, this is not against you, I am sincerely grateful for your helping and for your positivity, I'm just sharing what is going on in my weird mind right now.... I can't stop thinking what did I do to deserve this
@sincereHemlock4504 I'm sorry your struggling so much 😞 and yeah I agree, it's not like it used to be. Real life fairytales are diying out, it's very sad. I'm not the best person to give advice on this topic. I've never dated and never plan to. So I don't really understand the heartache your going through. But I can listen, if you need to vent, go ahead. I'm always here with my arms open to give you a supportive hug ❤❤
Thank you so much.... It means a lot. I wish I had the power to be ok with myself and not be anxious about feeling lonely if I don't have a partner
@sincereHemlock4504 I know sweetie ❤❤ I wish I had the words to comfort you properly. Hugs you tightly ❤❤
I am so sorry. You have done NOTHING to deserve what has happened to you. You are allowed to feel all the horrible, conflicting emotions that you are feeling right now.
Working through it a second time may be tough, but it most certainly isn't impossible. You are going to find someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve. I know that isn't enough right now, but all it has to be is a starting point.
I think that the first step might be finding a good therapist. Do you have someone who you work with?
Know that people here also care and want to help. I will literally send a message every day if you just want someone to throw things off of for a while. @sincereHemlock4504
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help
I already got a therapist who helped me to get through it the first time...
It was a 10 yo relationship so obviously it was very hard to see it end that way.
It was really hard but it pushed me to do things I've never done, now it sounds really scary for me to do it again...
I know how scary that it sounds. But the key is that you learned things the last time. That means this time should eventually be easier (though most definitely not right now).
Have you contacted your therapist? That comes first.
Then making sure you are eating and drinking enough liquids. All the rest of the stuff is worse if you can't force yourself to do the basics because you have no energy. And those basics may be really forcing yourself right now. Your mind will tell you nothing tastes good or is worth eating. But it is lying to you. @sincereHemlock4504
Yes it's exactly like that.... I went through it first time but this time I feel even more depressed, even if it was only a 6 months relationship.
I feel humiliated again. Yes I contacted the therapist but during the holidays everything seems very slow and I'm waiting to hear from them.
The crazy thing is that my ex (the recent one) is texting me that she is worried of how I feel, and I'm so tempted to reply even if I know she is with another one already. I blocked her social media but now she texts me....
I hate this situation and I feel bad for suffering so much for something it shouldn't be so hard.....
I started a newer thread to make things easier to read.
Why shouldn't it be hard? Relationships are always hard. You have done NOTHING wrong. I know that your brain is telling you otherwise, but this is really on their shoulders as far as blame, not yours.
This is why she is contacting you. She feels guilty. I agree that stopping all contact is good because it is causing you pain. And you can actually say that. "After our sudden breakup, I am pretty devastated. Please stop contacting me for a while. I am in pain and I will need lots of time to heal."
It can be really hard with therapists near the holidays. I hope that yours gets back with you soon. You can let them know that it is pretty important. You deserve to be a priority right now, but your therapist can't know if you don't tell them that things are rough.
Focus on things that you can do right now. Physical things. Are you getting outside or doing exercise in some way? Do you have some hobbies to take your mind off of things? Do the best that you can to care for yourself.
I am here to cheer you on. @sincereHemlock4504
Ok I took your advice and even blocked her number .This is so hard for me and but I'm so frustrated on how seems sk easy for other people... People are able to have fun and disrespect others and not even feel guilty.
I'm scared that during the 10 years long relationship I became extremely codependent . It was not a healthy relationship (I can see it only now) and I felt much better only when I started the other one... Probably rushing too much into it.
I have difficulty to let go and huge problems to enjoy anything by myself or even for myself. I feel like I lost my identity and don't want to do anything for myself but only for other people.
Is anyone familiar with codependency? Anyone has any experience with this?
Thank you so much for taking time to help me...
You did a great job in blocking her for now. I know how tough that must have been.
This stuff isn't easy for most people. They actually just make it look that way. Those that break up with others so quickly usually didn't have a very good family model to base their own behavior on. You obviously had a more loving family to grow from.
We can easily talk about the codependency stuff. Begin by telling me what you think codependency means. How did it crop up in your relationship before? Focusing on specific moments might help create a better framework for figuring out a path forward.
As far as not creating a space for you that is something that you can work towards now as well. What do you like to do when you are by yourself? @sincereHemlock4504
I noticed that I think always about other's needs before mine. Somehow I feel responsable for other people.
I obviously rushed into another relationship because I was not comfortable being alone. It was an unhealthy relationship and I can see now that I was obviously being lied but I always pretended not to see it. I always felt that I had to make the relationship work, because I guess I didn't want to see that there were problems to not end it and be alone.
I completely changed my identity, and changed for the other person. Musical tastes, activities, opinions... A bit of everything. I pretended to have boundaries at the beginning, but I gradually let them go and I completely letted my partner have and do what she wanted. I shared all my apartment and my belongings with her, letting her having the place for herself when I traveled abroad. She even brought male friends in the place and told them that we were roommates, and when I confronted her about that she said that she didn't see that as a problem and I became ok with it.
We went to a trip together and I paid for everything except her airfare. Because I wanted to have a nice time with her and I wanted her to remember it. She came back before me and somehow made me feel guilty about that, she told me she was depressed and staying in bed and many times I stayed hours on the phone to talk with her and try to make her feel better.
I guess when she wanted to start a relationship with the other guy ahe just put a barrier with me and not replying to me or giving me excuses like she was with friends. After 4 days I pretended her to give me explanation and that I thought I was being disrespected... She came to my place to break up with me saying that it was inevitable and saying that she wanted to be single. But she hinted that she was close with this another guy but it was difficult for her to find the courage to break up with me before. From the next day she was already uploading stories in social media with the new guy and how happy she is.
Sometimes I still find myself thinking what I could have done differently so that she would still be with me but other times I realize how I've been an idiot and naive, and I just feel humiliated. I obviously didn't want to stand up for myself and I've been taken advantage...
When I'm by myself I feel anxious because I'm lonely. I keep thinking how other people reached happiness by getting rid of me without any respect. I have hobbies but I find it difficult to focus on anything. I haven't been able even to watch TV as I can't enjoy it by myself, or because I start thinking about something else. Sometimes I just stay in bed for hours just looking at my phone watching sad stories on ***, or trying to get matches on dating apps.
My previous relationship (10 years long) was a bit of the same, with much less lying (before the cheating moment). She was a very strong person and would always manipulate me to do what she wanted, most of times being passive aggressive. In the end I always let her decide most of things so that I wouldn't fight with her.
I'm sorry for the very long post, I just think all these things about me would explain better why I think I'm very codependent. I feel very ashamed about all this. Thank you so much for helping me
Nothing that you have written there is anything to be ashamed about. You are a good person who likes to see other people happy. That may have gotten used against you, but you aren't the sole person to blame for that. They were the ones doing the manipulating.
So it is less about beating yourself up and more about how to encourage you to be stronger and believe in yourself. I can already tell that you are a worthwhile person to get to know. The key is creating a stronger you before trying to launch into any other relationships for a while.
So start with all the parts of you that you suppressed because someone didn't like them. What exactly were those? Which ones would be worthwhile trying to revive right now?
I know that is hard to imagine because the depression is too deep at the moment. Keep what you are attempting pretty small, but do it really regularly. Do you get outside at all? Nature has been my savior to be honest. But your healing stuff could be quite different. Give me a list of five things that you liked in the past. @sincereHemlock4504
@sincereHemlock4504 Hey! You don't need to change yourself.. this universe needs more people like you! For now I feel you don't need any relationship... don't find a person for yourself... just make yourself better everyday.... you will get someone who is for you! Setting boundaries is a great thing.. but set boundaries for like.. that I want to be treated like this.. and at this I am actually busy and I will only get up if there is emergency... write down those emergency things too.... you will learn saying no to people by this.... See its your choice to follow what you feel good.. but please don't change yourself cause of mean people.. You are a gem💎. More power to you☮.
@Vagi I read your replies right now.. and I know this phase when we just don't want people to say that everything will be okay .. we want solution... but you know what... Solutions are hard to find sometimes.. and sometimes those same actually very easy but you feel insecure about it... then eventually you stop finding solution (I did cause I have to focus on my goals) and then somedays ago without doing anything.. I got THE solution! Bro try travelling.. doing what you like.. exploring... ya maybe you won't like these... but then you can start by excercise in morning.. it releases happy hormones... you will feel good... (my counselor told me to excercise) then eventually you will start exploring....