Nothing has gotten better

I have been diagnosed with serve depression since 2019.

I have been in and out of the emergency room ever since then. I always get told that stuff will get better but truly it hasnt.

In 2019 I was just upset because I lost my friends and went through a traumatic experience. Now I lost my dog, my mom was diagnosed with liver disease, I found out that I may need a surgery that will make it so i can never have kids AND it will only help with my pain relief a little (I will still be in serve pain for the rest of my life) and my parents divorced.

I also was kicked out a few years back and even more *** that im not comfortable with sharing happened. Im nor kicked out anymore, I stayed at my dads for the years I was)

I was feeling somewhat happier again a few weeks ago and suddenly everything crashed again. Im being admitted to this school program for people who struggle with substance abuse and mental illness and im scared. School was the main reason I was suicdal at the time. When I started 10th grade I skipped all two weeks until my dad finally agreed to move me online. Im now in 11th heading to 12th this summer and im being forced into a new school to get help. Im scared it will be counterproductive but it provides therapy in the school, psychiatrists, yoga etc. its free and covered by doctors and such. I orginally was super against it but now I feel I have no choice.

ive set a date that if stuff doesnt get better ill end it and thats how I know I need help. My friends could care less if I ended my life so starting a new school may help me find real trye friends.

i just feel so empty and unloved. I am petrified of losing my mom and she wont stop talking about the stuff she needs to do as she will pass soon. I will lose literally everyone I love. All my family members will die and ill be stuck on this earth alone.

i am scared ill die alone as I am a terrible person. All I do is sit in my room in the dark and play my sad playlist and sob my eyes out. I feel so alone. I honestly believe no one could give a *** about me. The ones that do could definitely live a better life without me. I hate being on this planet. Yes theres so many things I love about earth but its not worth staying to just feel an ounce of happiness in an ocean of misery.