One thing I want to say today.

I recently completed my SEE examination and received a 3.50 GPA, but instead of feeling proud, I felt disappointed and emotionally empty. I worked hard for my exams, especially mathematics, and I expected more from my results. However, what hurt more than the GPA itself was the lack of support and recognition from my family. Instead of appreciation, I often felt comparison with others and pressure to do even better.

Because of this, my achievement did not feel like an achievement emotionally. I felt like my effort was not fully seen or valued, and that made me question myself even when I knew I had worked hard.

Growing up, I was raised in a very strict and fear-based environment. Mistakes, emotional expression, and small behaviours were often not met with understanding but with harsh discipline. This created a constant feeling of fear and pressure inside me. Over time, I learned to stay quiet, control my emotions, and avoid making mistakes as much as possible because I believed mistakes would lead to consequences.

Because of this upbringing, I became very disciplined, but not in a peaceful way. My discipline came from fear and survival, not comfort or support. I often felt like I had to monitor myself constantly. Even now, I still carry this habit of over-controlling my emotions and reactions.

At the same time, I also became responsible for my younger siblings. I often acted like a second caregiver—helping them, guiding them, and trying to manage situations at home. But this responsibility sometimes makes me feel emotionally exhausted. I feel pressure to be strong for others even when I am not okay myself.

I also experience strong emotional conflict when I see my younger brother being treated differently than I was. He receives more comfort, attention, and freedom to make mistakes, while I often feel like I had to grow up too quickly. This creates feelings of jealousy, anger, sadness, and confusion. I don’t want to dislike him, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the contrast between his experience and mine.

Because of my past, I sometimes struggle with strong emotional reactions. I can feel triggered by situations involving children’s behaviour or family conflict. I try not to shout or harm anyone, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed inside. I am aware of this and I try to control myself because I do not want to repeat the cycle of pain I experienced growing up.

At the same time, I often feel misunderstood. I feel like my emotions are not always taken seriously, and my efforts are not always acknowledged. Even when I achieve something, like my GPA, I still feel pressure instead of encouragement. This makes it difficult for me to feel proud of myself.

Despite all of this, I am still trying to move forward. I am continuing my studies, thinking about my future in subjects like economics, marketing, and business-related fields, and trying to understand myself better. I am slowly becoming more aware of my emotions, my triggers, and my past experiences. I am trying not to let my past define how I treat others or how I see myself.

Right now, I feel like I am in a process of learning how to heal while still living in the same environment that shaped my pain. It is not easy, and sometimes I feel stuck between who I was forced to become and who I want to be.