Outcast
I don’t know if I can be here anymore and continue to feel like this.. so much to say it’s hard to put everything into words .. beyond outcasted, alienated and I can’t seem to figure out what I always do so wrong. It’s like everyone’s in on a little secret, a little inside joke and the joke is me about me. I don’t know how to be in this world anymore.. I’m too this, too that, but at the same time not enough that or that, everyone sees but know one really knows anything.. don’t stop them from thinking they have me all figured out enough to know they don’t like me. I’m feeling surrounded. Finally got this job after being unemployed for months almost year just for it to feel like high school again except this time with grown adults all collectively deciding that one girl is enough of a problem to disrupt everything. Move away from her, don’t talk to her, we don’t like her.. make her presence feel so much like a burden but don’t tell her how to fix it or change or where she might’ve went wrong. Just back her into a corner until she breaks. Where did the compassion go? I feel like we get online and tell a bunch of strangers what we would’ve done in a situation but then when it’s right in front of your face someone needing rescue, needing just one friend, nobody’s watching so no need to pretend. If anything they jump on what’s funny, trending instead. Making jokes out of everything, in or your out.. and they always decide I’m out. This is not me.. ready to agree with a bunch of people who never took the time to get to know me. Maybe my body language gave off signals to stay away, probably because I’ve had so many people make me feel this way.. no matter where I go something I do is taken the wrong way.. or maybe I’m just having a bad day, I am socially so anxious and ten times more now, being unemployed isolated home alone with my family who always made me feel wrong, it is hard to open up and be yourself when you’ve never had anyone to do it with, now I’m just so hyper vigilant.. who is out to get me next, everyone seems like a threat.. reacting to me my skin, the way I look, the way I dress.. I don’t fit into the standards.. dark skin I keep a straight face and someone that means to other people danger. I didn’t have the money to buy nice clothes, or do my hair.. having to take multiple buses just to get there.. rushing to the bathroom 95 degree weather just to make sure I could shape shift and not wear my struggles.. but all they know is they don’t like me. Maybe even hate me. Move away from her, don’t trust her.
@lovingCup504
😔
I'm so sorry they've made you feel this way 💚
That's heartbreaking.
Its sad to hear the pain in your words
They don't determine your worth.
You did a brave thing starting a new job after being isolated and out of work for so long.
And to not have the money and have to put in do much effort to get places, that's to be admired not looked down upon 💛
I understand what it feels like when you just don't feel like you, you want your nails done, some make up, hair done, some new clothes but dont have the means, it's not much to ask for and makes you feel better but your worth is not defined by judgemental people who don't take the time to get to know you 💚
You matter, don't ever forget that!
Please feel free to pop into the sharing circle and share with us if you'd ever like to, you'd be welcome 💛
hey 🌸
Sometimes when we are down life seems to do every effort to keep us down. It often gets harder just before it can get better.
You just did a very brave thing getting this job. Every day you are being brave again returning there.
I can tell how much you need to experience some kindness there. You sound like you can’t take the opposite anymore.
It might be too simplifying but you did it before. You know those kind of behaviors. Those behaviors define the people who engage in them. You need people who are more thoughtful than that. It sounds like you also need that money. Can you keep doing your job, keep your standards of respect but accept that this place is not gonna bring friendships for now? If possible don’t let the unkindness cut you off from the money and experience that you need.
What are the chances that with some experience there you can find a similar position somewhere else? You deserve to find a place with enough of kind and thoughtful people. You are right, even one person makes huge difference.
Would you consider finding some supporting connections here on 7 cups? Sure, online is not the same as in person. But it might be a first step to build your confidence. Maybe you can keep sharing via posts or in sharing circles like @Amanda84 suggests or in 1:1s with listeners?
