lovingCup504 Member Profile

Outcast

Depression Support / by lovingCup504

July 22nd

...See more I don’t know if I can be here anymore and continue to feel like this.. so much to say it’s hard to put everything into words .. beyond outcasted, alienated and I can’t seem to figure out what I always do so wrong. It’s like everyone’s in on a little secret, a little inside joke and the joke is me about me. I don’t know how to be in this world anymore.. I’m too this, too that, but at the same time not enough that or that, everyone sees but know one really knows anything.. don’t stop them from thinking they have me all figured out enough to know they don’t like me. I’m feeling surrounded. Finally got this job after being unemployed for months almost year just for it to feel like high school again except this time with grown adults all collectively deciding that one girl is enough of a problem to disrupt everything. Move away from her, don’t talk to her, we don’t like her.. make her presence feel so much like a burden but don’t tell her how to fix it or change or where she might’ve went wrong. Just back her into a corner until she breaks. Where did the compassion go? I feel like we get online and tell a bunch of strangers what we would’ve done in a situation but then when it’s right in front of your face someone needing rescue, needing just one friend, nobody’s watching so no need to pretend. If anything they jump on what’s funny, trending instead. Making jokes out of everything, in or your out.. and they always decide I’m out. This is not me.. ready to agree with a bunch of people who never took the time to get to know me. Maybe my body language gave off signals to stay away, probably because I’ve had so many people make me feel this way.. no matter where I go something I do is taken the wrong way.. or maybe I’m just having a bad day, I am socially so anxious and ten times more now, being unemployed isolated home alone with my family who always made me feel wrong, it is hard to open up and be yourself when you’ve never had anyone to do it with, now I’m just so hyper vigilant.. who is out to get me next, everyone seems like a threat.. reacting to me my skin, the way I look, the way I dress.. I don’t fit into the standards.. dark skin I keep a straight face and someone that means to other people danger. I didn’t have the money to buy nice clothes, or do my hair.. having to take multiple buses just to get there.. rushing to the bathroom 95 degree weather just to make sure I could shape shift and not wear my struggles.. but all they know is they don’t like me. Maybe even hate me. Move away from her, don’t trust her.

My 13

Depression Support / by lovingCup504

May 20th

...See more - Because im tired of not having a job - Because I can’t keep a *** job even tho I mean well.. people just don’t like me - because I trigger people for just being me - Because I don’t have a car and no one knows how hard that’s been as I get older and have more responsibilities - Because I don’t have a bf .. well someone who loves me and knows me intimately - Because i am constantly judged, silenced and misunderstood by the same people, family im forced to live with - Because I have no one no girls to actually laugh or cry with - Because even the cats don’t love me unless I have something to offer them - Because I have no idea how im gonna move away and out of this house without struggling to pay my own bills - Because there’s so much I have and wanted to get done for dreams/goals future plans and haven’t done any of it - Because my nervous system is fried and I can’t trust anyone anymore - Because God is always way too silent - Because it’s so hard for me to not care but so easy for everyone else not to the world is so cold and everyone claims their real online but never show it in the moment in person - Because im running out of money which means im stuck home and it kills - Because im tired of waiting always waiting *** that’s 15/13 hope their not too shallow im just so over this life

Idk alone

Family & Caregivers / by lovingCup504

February 1st

...See more I feel so alone right now.. feels like I can’t turn back can’t turn my life around now. Feels like now that I see all I’ve been it’s so hard to be this old, this grown and turn it around. It feels like there’s no time.. feels like I’m supposed to have it all together now. To be able to support myself now, my family, now. To figure it all out now. The people around me don’t forgive my mistakes, and I no longer want them to. But I can’t shake the feeling of the pain of never getting something I feel I deserved or really wanted to. Having to come to conclusions with that while still being responsible for their wellbeing .. it’s rough. I try not to think of the past .. but being here with them makes me wish I could either jump back in time and think twice or skip ahead to a time where this part of my life is over.. and I’m stable again. But maybe I was never truly stable. Fake smiles and forced jobs that I hated.. but even more than that I hate this moment, it’s lonely.. no friends, no job & not even really family, more so a business exchange. Loved as much as I contribute, as much as I have to offer as much as I live up to who they think I should be. A life indebted to them simply because I was born into it, even though I never asked to be. I hate when they say you should be grateful for the physical things, housing shelter yes so important..but does that mean I’m not allowed to feel and long for the other things I never got. Like a hug or a piece of advice, a place to fall back even when I make mistakes or when I’m not acting like “myself”. No. But they say you still have to be Greatful. Instead it fills me, they fill me with shame. Guilt.. for falling, for crashing.. for being this old and life not going exactly as planned. For having nothing. Even though it’s my life. Even though everything I learned I taught myself even if it wasn’t in the best way, nothing but trial and error, I had to learn everything the hard way, but when I fall because I didn’t have that I am still the only to blame and I am still the only one picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. Expected to smile again, like I never needed. I see me and I see I’m trying, they see me, it’s all me I’m the problem. And sometimes being surrounded by it all I can’t help but look in the mirror and think that too. Trying to stay positive, but it just isn’t working fast enough for me.. I keep trying to find ways to build my life back up again.. but it’s like it means nothing cause I’m alone. And without realizing I traded, never fully invested in other people and burned every bridge. It is my fault but I never meant for it to be.

I must be a freak

Depression Support / by lovingCup504

November 30th, 2025

...See more I think I may need to cry a little bit or something, let this all out. I wish I knew what was happening. It's so bizarre and I think not too many people deal with this. Trust me when I say I'm not a weirdo.. I don't live my life to make people uncomfortable, but no matter how much I try.. people take one look a me, 30 seconds and instantly judge me.. get uncomfortable. I've always been creative, fashion, dressing up has always been me. It's not like I wear the craziest loudest outfits but even when I do its like people love to scroll online, and like videos and comment on people they've never met. But in person, its a different ball game and it almost feels like people get offended when you're yourself. Or are at least are trying to be. They love to support you, just as long as it doesn't out shine them. Or as long as its socially acceptable to them and within the aesthetics they don't find threatening. I think it causes them to make assumptions about who you are as a person. Especially other girls. So maybe I get it I mean I do but is it really that serious? I try to be accepting of everyone but its never returned.. partly because I know how lonely it is to be an outcast. What am I doing so wrong that requires people to be so scared of me? So mean, so dismissive and avoidant, offended. I mean no one any harm. I cant even look in a direction, or walk down a sidewalk without people immediately pulling out their phones or even sometimes crossing the street and walking the other direction. I must be a freak. It hurts. I know I'm not always the most pleasant. As a girl, I am a bit of a tomboy, at least on certain days but why cant I be? Why do people automatically think the worst of me? I know it doesn't help that I may be depressed and it gets hard for me to smile and be upbeat but its 2025 and life is a roller coaster, who is happy all the time anyway? I'm a big softie and I love to love people, they just don't want to love me. They never give me a chance.. and are always so quick to write me off. I know I don't have the most cheery face but how can I? .. even when I try to smile, people immediately look away from me.. I have no where I can be myself. At least not fully. I try to water myself down so I don't cause anymore disruption but, even when i'm in a hoodie and sweatpants, it still seems like I'm too much and some gets upset just by my presence. Nobody wants to talk to me or get to know me. What's funny is that I find the same people avoiding me, looking at me when I turn back around. Not all the time, but sometimes I literally catch them I guess they didn't expect me to turn back around. I'm so tired of this, what am I doing wrong? Not to mention the fact I've always been different, ADHD, neurodivergent, I'm not sure, no diagnosis but I have always marched to the beat of my own drum but lately being on campus, I've bee trying so hard to contain my energy, to "mask" as they call it. Why cant I be free? Why can everyone else be themselves but not me? Why am I such a weirdo? Am I really that different? Off putting maybe? I must be a freak ;((((((( but I promise I'm not trying to be, I hate this.

heavy

Depression Support / by lovingCup504

June 9th, 2025

...See more I’m dreading having to go into work tmmro.. I start a new job and this isn’t my first one , not even my second in the last 2 months but with each one it gets harder and harder to pretend fake and smile . Depression is heavy it weighs me down so much, and I’m so emotionally tired but unfortunately I can’t stop. I’ve been trying to find jobs that I can at least do while still sad but that’s so hard these days while also still trying to build my career. I’ve been through so much this year, I graduated barely and made it out due to some events that led to my current emotional state . And it sucks because I realized I can never catch a break. Have to support my family, have to make them proud of which honestly I’m not doing so good at . They know nothing about depression and it isn’t something we discuss . The only reason they might’ve is because I ended up in the hospital right before graduation but after that life continued normally and it became kind of a secret again or untalked about. Still have to get up and contribute everyday. And now their are babies I have to babysit which is also difficult with how I feel. I guess I’ve learned to live with not having that kind of relationship with them but then when I am outside in social situations , I guess I carry that loneliness in my heart and it’s heavy . My relationships with other people (outside of my family) are another big reason that led to the fall I had this year and the way I feel the way I feel currently , which makes it even harder to connect w new people and be “approachable” or open to others, especially when I’ve felt how cold the world can be , not knowing how ppl truly feel , I’ve felt and seen the nastiest sides of people and have learned how important it is to be kind to others because you never know who is on their last string.. unfortunately not many other people take on that same mentality so I always have to be on defense whenever I am outside , many people aren’t as warm and friendly . so to keep going back into it everyday , it feels like more blows to an already heavy heart . I’m expected to be presentable , approachable , I can barely get out of bed sometimes . While I am looking for remote work, I still need income in the meantime.. and being unemployed made me even more depressed . This is all to say, I don’t know how I’m going to have to do this 9-5 Monday through Friday when all I want to do most of the time is cry and watch Netflix lol. My depression isn’t often misinterpreted as me being mean or unfriendly and so that’s also a factor ... idk that’s all I wanted to say reallyx

Down

Depression Support / by lovingCup504

February 13th, 2024

nervous

Student Support / by lovingCup504

January 18th, 2024

...See more No one or only just a few people understand what it’s like to have such crippling, social anxiety… to the point where it makes it even the most normal things, so scary and extreme. I’ve always been so stuck and scared inside of myself. In my family we were never taught to speak up or ever really sure how to embrace we really are. Instead it was almost like we were silently shamed, silently conditioned and made to feel like in order to keep the peace, keep the balance we needed to do whatever it took to be perfect, hiding our true feelings, voice, thoughts, and even some of the things that we were interested in or things we did. I remember keeping everything a secret. Coming home even after the worst of days and saying nothing. In some ways I still do keep a lot about myself a secret. In high school, I could always remember myself hiding, with my hoodie on leaving school early, skipping classes, missing days just avoiding people. I was scared then and I’m still scared now, but this time it’s worse because now I’m in college, and after years of hiding and running away, Covid and being online, now I have no choice and I’m expected to stand up in the class, engage with people, do presentations & no one knows how hard that is for me. Even if it seems so simple, it is truly new grounds for me, new territory and I havent opened up to another person in so long, maybe even in general. And it sucks because I feel like it’s hard for me to let that go, it’s hard for me to just “suck it up,” or “take a deep breath” , it’s way more than just baby steps for me. For me it feels like this is a deeply rooted trauma, a deeply rooted fear. My very first presentation at college was absolutely a disaster. I completely choked and lost my whole train of thought in the middle of it . I couldn’t finish and someone had to come up and help me, it was so embarrassing and I felt so ashamed. Now my last final year. All my classes are requiring this, just when I was so close to being done with it all and I feel so trapped. and I just wanna scream. I feel so weak. And I don’t mean to be like this, I hope I don’t sound pathetic. but this is how I’ve grown up to be… one of my teachers told me that I’m too old for this , as if I choose to be like this. As if I wouldn’t choose a different problem to have instead of this one, one that eventually comes out into the light onto the surface. one that I can’t hide. I feel like I’m the only one that’s ever known who I really am and now to stand in front of everyone , it feels so difficult. And I’m alone up there, and I’ve felt alone my whole life, so it just intensifies it. For everyone to see me, to look at me to hear me all at the same time, I’m in front of everyone and I can’t hide. It’s crazy because the classes I took I’m absolutely passionate about, I was excited to do it but as soon as I looked at the list and seeing all the required projects and assignments immediately, it took that excitement away, and I have no idea what to do. It sucks, it kind of feels like a disability, maybe that word isn’t the right word to use but it really does feel like something inside of me is preventing me, blocked and preventing me from functioning properly. And my pride or I don’t know my ego, my fear my fear isnt going down without a fight. So I can’t just take a *** deep breath I’m nervous , I’m scared everywhere I go I’m *** scared . I know I can’t keep hiding I don’t even want to but it’s not that easy and I don’t have support and I still feel embarrassed and low-key kind of traumatized from my last presentation. The people in my class I feel have had training. Friends that they can be them selves with, a good job where they get to interact with people and talk which they’ve probably been doing for years, maybe even school experiences. Ok that’s all lol, if you took the time out to read this, thank you. It really does mean a lot.

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