Personal History and Mental-Health Concerns

I have been self-aware about my difficulties since I was young. Even before I had words for what was happening, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was feeling and responding to things. I have spent a long time trying to understand myself, my reactions, and the experiences that shaped me.

I was separated from my parents when I was around four years old. From that point onward, I experienced prolonged emotional and physical neglect from my parents and other family members. Early parentification was also part of my childhood. I felt that I had responsibilities beyond what I should have had as a child, especially after my younger sister was born. I often felt that my own feelings had to be pushed aside, and I gradually became accustomed to handling things by myself.

Physical, verbal, and emotional abuse began when I was around eight or nine and continued for several years. I experienced repeated criticism, blaming, humiliation, threats, and physical violence. I was often made to feel responsible for things that were not actually my responsibility. I also experienced situations in which adults did not protect me when I needed protection.

Because of these experiences, I developed a strong sense that I had to survive and solve things on my own. I became highly independent, but that independence also makes it difficult for me to trust or depend on other people. I have also developed avoidance and difficulty trusting my father in particular because of my experiences with him and because I remember situations where I did not feel protected.

I also experienced sexual assault by classmates during childhood over a prolonged period. I felt pressured to comply because I was afraid of being excluded or rejected. This affected me deeply, even though I did not fully understand what was happening at the time.

Later, I experienced a prolonged harassment and stalking situation that lasted approximately one year and nine months. When the situation was reported, I felt that the way it was handled by the school was humiliating because I was placed in front of other students and asked to identify the people involved. Some of the people involved were also people I considered friends, which left me feeling betrayed.

I also experienced online harassment and predatory behavior from older men when I was younger. At first, I did not understand how social media worked or that strangers could have harmful intentions. Some adults repeatedly contacted me, called me, sent messages and unwanted material, and behaved in ways that made me uncomfortable. Eventually, I learned how to block and remove people from my accounts and became more careful online.

Over the years, I experienced repeated periods of intense anxiety, panic, emotional breakdowns, numbness, and what I understand as dissociation or depersonalization/derealization. During some periods, I felt disconnected from myself or from what was happening around me. I also became unusually unaware of my surroundings at times, which contributed to dangerous situations around traffic and other accidents.

I continue to experience strong physical reactions in certain situations. For example, being close to male relatives or other men can sometimes cause my heart rate to increase sharply and my hands to shake, even when I consciously try to control the reaction. Certain environments, situations, or memories can make me feel intensely alert or uncomfortable.

I have also experienced unusual sensory and perceptual experiences, particularly a feeling of being watched and other experiences that I would describe as hallucination-like. I do not always understand why they happen. They can occur alongside anxiety, dissociation, or intense emotional states.

I have wondered whether what I experience could be related to PTSD or complex PTSD because many of my experiences and reactions appear to resemble descriptions of trauma-related symptoms. However, I do not claim that I have PTSD or any other specific disorder because I have never received a professional diagnosis. I currently do not have enough financial access to receive a proper assessment.

I have experienced periods of severe emotional distress and have previously been at serious risk of harming myself. I have also struggled with harmful coping mechanisms, isolation, overworking, ignoring my own needs, and putting myself in unsafe situations. I am aware that some of these coping mechanisms are unhealthy, and I am trying to change them.

At the same time, I believe I am recovering in some ways. I have become much more self-aware and have learned to recognize patterns in my thoughts and reactions. I have developed coping strategies, although some of them still need to become healthier. I have also found some comfort and understanding through communities where people have experienced similar difficulties. Being heard and taken seriously has helped me feel less invisible.

My relationships with my family remain complicated. I can recognize that some family members care about me while simultaneously feeling deeply hurt by the way they have treated me. I have difficulty trusting people who were supposed to protect me but did not consistently make me feel safe. I often feel like the scapegoat or the person who is expected to take responsibility for problems within the family. I have also experienced repeated comparisons with other children and relatives, criticism, and expectations that I should simply tolerate things because the adults are older.

I am particularly sensitive to unfairness and inconsistency. When I see one child being treated differently from another, it can bring up strong emotions because I remember feeling that way myself. I want my younger siblings to receive the support and protection that I felt I lacked.

I do not know exactly how long recovery will take. I understand that healing from prolonged childhood trauma may take time, and I know that recovery is not necessarily linear. I may have difficult periods even while making progress.

What I ultimately want is professional help, a proper assessment, and an environment where I can feel safe enough to understand what happened to me and learn healthier ways of coping. I do not want my past experiences to determine the rest of my life. I want to become independent, build a future for myself, maintain healthy relationships with the people I care about, and continue healing.

Another major part of my experience is hyper-independence. I can recognize that I need help while simultaneously feeling that nobody will ever truly understand me. Because of that belief, I sometimes think, "Why should I ask for help? I can do everything myself." I have become accustomed to solving problems alone and carrying responsibilities without expecting someone else to step in.

I believe this may be connected to having been neglected and having to cope with difficult situations largely by myself from a young age. Independence became something I relied on for survival, but now it can make accepting support difficult even when I genuinely need it.

I have also experienced what I think of as eldest-sister guilt. I have often felt responsible for protecting my younger siblings and being the person who knows what to do. I felt that I had to become a mother-like figure for them and that I had to be the first person to handle problems.

One memory that remains particularly strong is from when I was around ten years old. My younger sister was only around three or four. My guardian was physically hurting her, and I remember seeing an injury that had been left on my sister. I wanted to protect her, and I had protected her at other times, but on that occasion I was extremely frightened and felt unable to intervene. I still carry guilt about that memory even though I was a child myself and was also afraid.

I have experienced many episodes of physical punishment and violence throughout childhood, although I cannot remember all of them individually. Some memories remain clearer than others. There were also incidents in which my guardian physically restrained and hurt me in ways that caused injuries. These experiences contributed to my fear and distress.

I used to cry very frequently when I was younger. Now I sometimes find that I cannot cry as easily, even when I am deeply distressed. I have wondered whether this means that I have become stronger or whether I am simply responding differently after everything I have experienced. I do not want to interpret this as meaning that my younger self was weak or a "crybaby." She was a child experiencing things that were difficult for her to process.

I also developed perfectionistic tendencies. I often feel that I need to be the first, the responsible one, the capable one, and the person who does things correctly. I feel pressure to succeed partly because I believe that I have another opportunity in life after surviving everything I have experienced.

I sometimes think of my survival as giving me another chance. I survived things that I never should have had to experience, and I want to use that opportunity to build a different life for myself. I want to become independent, but I also want to eventually learn that independence does not mean that I must do absolutely everything alone.

I recognize that these patterns may have developed for understandable reasons, but I also recognize that they can make recovery difficult. I want to learn how to accept appropriate help without feeling weak, guilty, dependent, or misunderstood.

I also experience frightening perceptual experiences that I have not been able to explain. They can sometimes occur after remembering or being reminded of traumatic experiences, but they can also happen unexpectedly, including when I am otherwise having an ordinary or enjoyable moment.

During these episodes, I may feel as though I am being watched or that there is a presence near me. Sometimes I perceive figures, movements, patterns, or other sensory experiences that feel extremely real and frightening. I do not know whether these experiences are related to trauma, dissociation, anxiety, another psychological condition, or something else, because I have not received a professional assessment.

When an episode happens, my body can enter an intense fear or freeze response. My heart begins to race, I become extremely frightened and quiet, and my body can feel stiff or unable to move normally. I sometimes close my eyes tightly because seeing my surroundings can make the fear worse. I may even find myself holding my breath because I am so frightened.

I have tried many basic grounding techniques. These include controlled breathing, counting, identifying things I can see or touch, touching real objects, focusing on sensory information, and other grounding exercises. These techniques sometimes help, but only for a few seconds or a very short period. I become slightly calmer, but the fear does not completely disappear, and the experience can return almost immediately.

Because of this, I do not feel that the usual grounding techniques are sufficient for me. I would like professional help to understand why these episodes happen, whether they are connected to my previous experiences, and what techniques or treatment might work better for me.

Another important detail is that discussing or writing about some of my experiences can sometimes make me feel as though I am experiencing them again. Using first-person language can make this particularly uncomfortable, so I sometimes find it safer to describe myself in the third person. This is not because I am trying to avoid discussing my experiences; rather, it can make it possible for me to talk about them without becoming as overwhelmed.

I would like a professional to assess these experiences rather than assuming what they mean. I am particularly interested in understanding whether trauma-related symptoms, dissociation, anxiety, sleep-related experiences, or another medical or psychological cause could be contributing to them.

I currently do not have a person whom I genuinely feel able to rely on during these episodes. I do not have a trusted teacher, counselor, therapist, parent, or sibling whom I feel comfortable turning to for this kind of support.

I especially do not want to put this burden on my younger sister because I already feel responsible for protecting her, and I do not want her to feel responsible for taking care of me.

Because I do not have someone I trust to stay with me when these episodes happen, I usually try to manage them by myself. This makes the experiences more frightening and difficult to cope with.

At the moment, I am experiencing the sensation/perception of being watched again. It feels extremely real and frightening to me. I understand that I do not know what is causing these experiences, which is one of the reasons I want professional assessment rather than trying to diagnose myself.

I would like help finding a safe and appropriate way to manage these episodes, particularly because the grounding techniques I have tried only provide relief for a few seconds before the fear returns.

ANd I know it's not real ok? My mind seems to be in denial um... I can feel it no matter what. It's watching me again and again. And I'm feeling so scared because I see it's watching me when I mention it to you all or other.

Oh my god it's watching me again I feel it's calling? No no I know I can't trust.. Even with the nights in I can see it , feel it. Even in daytime's sometimes but thankfully not that much because of how much my mind dissociates.