Putting it out there.
I am strangely at a loss of words. For everything right now in life.
I feel so scared of what I've done to myself. I am lonely and alone and isolated. I don't feel like eating. I have no hopes for a better life. It feels like a lie. Might be true for me in some far away parallel world.
It was only lately that I realised that my ENTIRE life has been a defence mechanism. I've been in therapy for 4 years now, for different reasons.
I just read a thread(not here on 7cups) where someone was criticising how lonely people here actually don't take steps to make their lives better and just vent and stuff. That made me even more scared of putting anything out here.
I have been calling a lot of helpline numbers these days. That helps.
It's a different kind of hard to admit that i am actually scared of getting better or taking charge of my life. Because of the belief that I will not be able to defend myself, and find true love and support and connection. I am scared.
@gregariousTangerine81
It sounds like you're going through an incredibly challenging and vulnerable time. Your feelings of fear, loneliness, and uncertainty are deeply valid and significant. It's understandable that grappling with these emotions, especially when they intertwine with your past experiences and defense mechanisms, can feel overwhelming.
Realizing that your life has been shaped by defense mechanisms is a profound insight, and it's natural to feel disoriented or scared when confronting such truths. Acknowledging these patterns and their impact on your life is a courageous step, even if it feels daunting right now.
Feeling isolated and questioning whether a better life is possible can be incredibly tough. It's important to recognize that these feelings, while intense, do not define your entire future. Your fears about getting better and the potential vulnerabilities that come with it are very real, and it's okay to be apprehensive about taking steps toward change.
Calling helplines and reaching out for support shows that you’re actively seeking help and trying to cope in a way that feels manageable for you. These are important steps in your journey, and they reflect your resilience and willingness to seek support, even when it's difficult.
It’s also important to remember that healing and growth are gradual processes. It’s normal to feel scared about making changes or stepping into the unknown. Trust that it’s okay to move forward at your own pace, and that taking small, manageable steps toward change can make the process feel less overwhelming.
Your fear of losing your ability to defend yourself or of not finding true connection is understandable. It’s a reflection of your deep desire for safety and meaningful relationships. Acknowledging this fear is a vital part of understanding yourself and your needs. You deserve to find genuine support and connection, and it’s okay to take time to explore how to build that in a way that feels secure for you.
Be gentle with yourself during this time. It’s okay to feel scared and uncertain. Allow yourself to experience these feelings without judgment. Your journey is uniquely yours, and each step you take, no matter how small, is a testament to your strength and commitment to finding a better place for yourself.
Remember, reaching out for help, even if it's just to share your thoughts and feelings, is a sign of courage and a step toward healing. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and you have the strength to navigate through this challenging time.